Thursday, October 21, 2010

Logline Critique Session One: #4

TITLE: Fossegrim
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy

When seventeen year old foster kid Sage Reynolds wakes up on the bottom of the ocean with a freaking fish tail, he figures he's covered all his bases in 'the screwed department', that is...until he realizes what he must sacrifice in order to reclaim his humanity.

16 comments:

Kathryn Packer Roberts said...

hmmmm...interesting. This is a maybe for me.

Tami said...

Vague stakes are vague.

I'm intrigued by the "boy turns into a mermaid" bit, but the tension fizzles without specific conflict and consequences.

It's not a flat no, but I'd hesitate before deciding whether to read more.

Steena Holmes said...

The first 2/3 of your first sentence is great- you grabbed my attention and I totally get the 'screwed department' aspect. But it's the rest that fizzled out.

Authoress said we can use 2 sentences - I say expand on the next section, what does he have to sacrifice and why does he want to reclaim his humanity? Just give us more info :)

S. Kyle Davis said...

I understand not wanting to give away too much of your plot. I had the same concern. However, you want to be sure that you include something more tangible.

Also, did this happen TO him, or did he do something that incited this? Off the bat, I'm not sure if this is an active character. If he is, let's see a bit of it.

Holly Bodger said...

Agree that this is a great beginning. I'd get rid of "that is..." and replace it with a second sentence that defines his goal and what happens if he doesn't meet it (consequences). And remember not to be vague. Give us something like, "But then he realizes that he can only reclaim his humanity if he is willing to sacrifice the lives of his pet hamsters" (but you know, not that really! :-))

S. L. Bynum said...

I like how you try to show some voice in this logline. Here are a few suggestions to improve:

"seventeen-year-old" should have hyphens.

for the last part, it might sound better as: "he figures he's covered all his bases in the 'I'm screwed' department, until he realizes what he must sacrifice in order to reclaim his humanity."

And it might interest someone more if you say what Sage actually has to sacrifice.

Shannon said...

I agree with the above comments. I'd like to know what he will have to sacrifice. That said, I think a teenage merman is a unique idea, and I'd like to read this.

Huntress said...

Interesting.
Some agents like giving the age of the protag out right. Others don't. Be sure and research or flip a coin when you submit. There are other ways to establish the age without giving a number, BTW.

I suggest leaving off the 'foster kid'.

Mystery Robin said...

I love the idea of a boy turning into a merman. :)

Chris V said...

I think I'm reiterating a lot of what other people said by saying that I love the idea of a kid "suddenly" becoming a mermaid, but I feel it's definitely imperative to know what he must sacrifice in order to reclaim his humanity. Even if it's not extremely specific, we need at least a somewhat detailed hint of what he has to do. I know it's kind of vague, but I think that's because the rest of it is full of detail ("foster kid"; "Sage Reynolds"; bottom of ocean", etc.). We need that same amount of detail throughout.

Courtney Abruzzo said...

The beginning has a great sense of character and voice--enough to hook me. But I do agree we need to get a sense of the sacrifice for it to really sell.

Barbara said...

Why/how does he end up a merman under the ocean? Does it just happen out of the blue. And what the sacrifice?

RB said...

Don't know much about loglines but I can honestly say the first part wasn't what grabbed me. Mermaid? Ok. 17? Fine. Foster child? Whatever. Sacrifice? Sacrifice! He has to sacrifice to become normal!? Wasn't it against his will to become a mermaid? Now there's the story. I'm sold.

Nya Rayne said...

Vagueness and all, I'd read this. I love the voice!!

Lyla said...

I agree with Nya. The voice totally has me. I didn't even think of the vagueness until I read the comments (which are right, you could probably specify.) But it had me anyway.

Ant said...

I love this! I'm ignoring the above comments because the voice really hooked me. Having voice in one sentence outweighs any complaints about vagueness in my book :)