TITLE: Fall for Grace
GENRE: contemporary YA
Sixteen-year-old Kendall's squeaky clean teen star image is irreparably tarnished so she goes into hiding to escape the paparazzi. What she doesn't count on is the murderer on the prowl in her safe haven, a killer she unwittingly led to her refuge.
The beginning is good. The end starts to fall into generalizations and I lose interest. I think I need to know something of the murderer's motivations. Is it linked to the scandal regarding her image?
ReplyDeleteI would like to know the link between the first sentence and the second. Is she running from the murderer? Is he some sort of celebrity stalker?
ReplyDeleteI agree that the connection between going into hiding and the killer isn't clear. Also, though, there are some writing issues here.
ReplyDeletePerhaps the first line could be: "Sixteen-year-old pop star Kendall's squeaky clean image is irreparably tarnished, forcing her to go into hiding to escape the paparazzi." This eliminates the reduntant "teen" and the distracting rhyme of "clean teen." It also makes the cause/effect relationship a lot clearer.
*nod* I agree with the previous commenters. I'd like to see some connection between the sentences - some sense of how one led to the other and if the killer has anything to do with her teen star days.
ReplyDeleteA killer on the prowl is bad, but what does she DO? What's at stake? Does he start killing people? Is he threatening her? Is there some reason the cops aren't the heroes of this story, catching the murderer? Also, does her ex-teen-star life factor into this somehow?
Most of this seems focused backward rather than forward. Setup rather than the meat of the plot.
Love the squeaky clean teen star going bad--cool protagonist. I got bogged down on "unwittingly led to her refuge"--can you make that more specific? What attracts the killer? Is there something connecting her fall from grace to the killer? What does she have to do to get back on top?
ReplyDeleteHooked. This made me smile right away, and i could imagine immediately some of the problems that might come up in the book. That said, you likely have a bit more room to add a detail or two. So far, so good.
ReplyDeleteI feel like these two sentences are disconnected and it almost reads like she has two goals. I would change the first part so it sounds more like, "While hiding from paparazzi..." and then move on to the goal which I assume is to escape from the murderer and return to the life she tarnished?
ReplyDeleteTarnished how? What did she do? And how are she and the murderer connected? Are these two totally random acts or is the killer part of her fall from grace? The connection is missing here.
ReplyDeleteThe murderer part seems to come out of nowhere. As suggested by others, I'd like to see it tied together a little better. How long was she in hiding before the murderer showed up? Is it immediate?
ReplyDeleteThe sentences don't seem to be flowing together, they seem more forced than anything.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence seems to be telling. What made her squeaky clean image tarnished? Something short and sweet may help give us a glimpse of who she is too.
ReplyDelete*loves* I am totally hooked. Yeah, I agree that I'd like to know more about the murderer, but I'd totally read this.
ReplyDeleteI think you've got a good premise, but I think the log-line could be pared down while still giving a solid idea of the storyline:
ReplyDelete“A once squeaky-clean teen star hiding from the paparazzi unwittingly lets a killer into her refuge.” The only problem with my attempt is it doesn’t tell me your MC’s goal. But you don't have to like my attempt either. Go with what you think is best. :)
I think your first sentence would be stronger if it read: "When sixteen-year-old Kendall's squeaky clean star image is irreparably tarnished, she goes into hiding to escape the paparazzi."
ReplyDeleteI'll echo what others have said about the second sentence: you need a connection between the two. If she led the killer there, presumably he has something to do with her previous life, so mention how he fits in to that, and what she's going to do. eg. But when a murderous stalker finds her safe haven and the police don't believe her, Kendall must fight him alone.
Or something like that (word it better and obviously with what actually happens in your story instead of what I just made up).
Incidentally, I read your first 250 in the last SA contest and it's interesting to find out why Kendall was escaping.