TITLE: Finders Keepers
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Sixteen-year-old Ellie Brown inadvertently stirs up the interest of a secret society of goblins living underneath her small, mining town when she rescues not a wild crow, like she thinks, but the future goblin king.
You said inadvertently, so the "she thinks" bit is redundant. And most crows being wild, I don't think you need to say it. The logline would read stronger as "rescues a crow that turns out to be the future goblin king." Good luck with this. I like it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with sbjames. This sounds like it would have some fun/cool scenes! The only other thing I can think of is that, except for the age of the protagonist, I thought this sounded kind of like a middle grade plot.
ReplyDeleteI liked this and would read it. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteLove it!!
ReplyDeleteHooked. I wouldn't mind knowing how the "interest" of goblins turns into conflict - once she rescues the future king, what's the plot of the book?
ReplyDeleteNothing at stake, no conflict after the crow rescue, and yet I still want to know more. =]
This is really good. As someone who is always rescuing animals, this speaks to me.
ReplyDeleteI like this, too. It definitely peaks my interest, but I did want to know what the core conflict is. Maybe you could add in a phrase or another sentence that says what the problem is here, because I imagine this goblin society wouldn't be too resentful of Ellie rescuing their king. Something needs to say "Uh, oh, she's in serious trouble. What's she going to do now?" and I'm not getting that feeling.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot. What does she do with the King? Does he thank her? Does her curse her? What are the ramifications of rescuing a goblin king--does she automatically get to be a goblin princess?
ReplyDeleteI'd love to know just a bit more on what might happen as a result of her mix-up, and thus, what the stakes are. In other words, does this interest she stirs up result in good or bad things happening to her? It's hard to tell.
ReplyDeleteI agree that this is a great set-up but we need to know what her goal will be as well as what the consequences will be if she doesn't meet it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others about tightening up the last part, but I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteAnd lose the comma in "small mining town".
I really liked this one, too, but is the secret society of goblins the people who put the goblin king in harms way in the first place? Does the Goblin King want to go back to the goblins, or is he running from them?
ReplyDeleteBut, you know, I'd read it anyway without that info.
I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI would totally read this. I love the goblins! There should be more goblins in YA. Makes me want to watch Labyrinth.
ReplyDeleteI really like this premise, but I'm not sure why rescuing the future goblin king would cause conflict with the secret goblin kingdom. Wouldn't they be grateful?
ReplyDeleteWhat are the stakes?
I really like this. As previous commenters have mentioned, perhaps it needs a little more about the consequences of stirring up the interest of a secret goblin society.
ReplyDeleteI agree that I'd like to know a little more about what "stirring up interest" means. Right now it seems too vague for me to have a clear idea of what's going to happen.
ReplyDeleteI also think that the last line could go something like "she rescues the future goblin king disguised as a crow."
Though it seems interesting because it deals with goblins rather than the usual fantasy creatures.
I liked this and I'm hooked, so in that sense your logline has worked. I think it could be stronger though. I'd move 'inadvertently' to the last part of the sentence and remove the bit about the crow. It makes the sentence choppier and the writing is slightly awkward. "Sixteen-year-old Ellie Brown stirs up the interest of a secret society of goblins living underneath her small mining town when she inadvertently rescues their future king."
ReplyDeleteI'd then add a sentence about the consequences of this rescue, as others have suggested.
I'm hooked! Nice.
ReplyDelete