TITLE: Lost in a Heartbeat
GENRE: YA romantic suspense
After a stalker assaulted seventeen-year-old Calleigh, she's forced to keep silent about what happened--screwing up her chance to heal--or else the psycho will kill her BFF. But as she falls for her new friend, Aaron, she discovers they're linked in a way she could never have imagined--a connection that could be deadly for Calleigh.
I really like how you've infused your logline with voice, and it sounds like an intriguing story. I think "assaulted" should be "assaults". Also, "she's forced" is a bit passive. It could be "...he forces to her to." I want to know how she and Aaron are linked but I'm not sure that needs to be here. It intrigues me to want to read on.
ReplyDeleteI think the story is intriguing, but this could be tightened a little more.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a good start. My only question is: how are these two sentences connected? You've introduced four characters--Calleigh, the stalker, her BFF, and her new friend Aaron--and it's leaving me a bit overwhelmed. I think simplification would help here; perhaps remove a few names. Would it still get to the heart of the story if you wrote: "After a psycho stalker assaults seventeen-year-old Calleigh, he threatens her BFF to guarantee her silence. But keeping those feelings pent up could have deadly consequences, especially when Calleigh's private quest to heal leads her to develop dangerous new relationships." Something like that removes Aaron's name and simplifies things. Just a suggestion/example to illustrate my point.
ReplyDeleteYou've created tension in your first line, but I'd suggest removing "screwing up her chance to heal" so it carries more punch.
ReplyDeleteI was confused by the introduction of Aaron, and wonder if there's a way to let us know how/why they met.
Good luck!
I would definitely read this story. That said, I think you could tighten this to increase the tension. I would use 'assaults' instead of 'assaulted' and would delete 'screwing up her chance to heal'. I really like the last part of the second sentence - 'a connection that could be deadly for Calleigh'. It's powerful. I also like K. Cooper's idea for your logline.
ReplyDeleteIt seems that the two sentences talk about two different issues. The stalker assaults her and threatens her friend. The MC gets over it moves on.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking she probably doesn't get over it and move on, and that Aaron is connected somehow, but I don't think that's conveyed here in the way it's worded. Perhaps rephrase the second sentence.
Some questions: how is she forced to keep quiet and by whom?
ReplyDeleteI don't see the connection between sentence one and two either; maybe make this clearer?
There is no goal here. What does she want--to save her best friend? If so, what does falling for Aaron have to do with this? How does it prevent her from doing so?
ReplyDeleteI agree with most of the above comments. Overall the pitch makes me want to read the story. Specifically, I do believe you could tighten the language, including removing "is forced" and replacing with something more active. Finally, I'd put in a more definite link between the first and second sentences, because as it is now they are a bit dijointed.
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence is really good. The first sentence has a strong voice but some structural issues; it reads awkwardly and feels like it has tense confusion.
ReplyDeleteOoh, I'm definitely intrigued. Nice suspense-building.
ReplyDeleteI have immediate sympathy for Calleigh as a victim of a psycho stalker, and see the conflict she faces regarding reporting her assault, but my immediate response is that she is wrong to keep silent as the psycho might just as well kill her as her BFF. So I question her judgement although I understand it. I was not certain who is liked to whom in the last line. Is Aaron linked to the psycho? Maybe a bit more clarity on that.
ReplyDeleteI had to read this through a couple times to process everything, which tells me this is too wordy and a bit choppy. Believe me when I say I totally understand how hard it is to get a pristine log line that flows, but it can be done and you're definatley on the right track... if you stick to just the MC(do we really need to know about the other characters yet?), the conflict (the stalker's actions) , the goal (healing or saving a life?)and the consequenses, you'll find the right words. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHi, I really like the concept behind this story, and I think you've had some great ideas for reworking it to strengthen and make your logline irresistable. I'd agree with K. Cooper's suggested changes, obviously depending on your plotline. Just something to think about, but I think you should aim to only have one "--" in the logline, it seems a bit much with two.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with your revisions.
Rach
I know I'm late with this, but since Aaron is going to be the suspected "Pyscho Assaulter" and that tension is going to be a major part of the book, I don't have any problem with mentioning him. Otherwise, I'd take the suggested revision of an early critter to tighten that 1st part.
ReplyDeleteSounds good!
I hope it isn't too late to weigh in with a comment. I like the intensity at the beginning of the blurb and the topic is a weighty one to tackle. Good job on that! However, I feel like there's a disconnect between the first sentence and the second, almost like we're looking at two different topics. Is Aaron connected to the stalker? (Who is the "they" referenced, Aaron and the stalker or Aaron and Calleigh?) I just feel the second sentence is vague enough that the tension established with the first is diminished.
ReplyDeleteHope this helps!