Wednesday, October 13, 2010

October Secret Agent #17


I was surrounded, standing in nothing but my bra and panties in the girls' locker room. I tried shielding torso with my thin arms--as if there was anything to cover.

I glanced into Gina Tavelli's steely eyes and saw amusement. Not like I should be surprised--I wasn't new to this situation. But we were seniors now, two weeks away from graduating. What was the point?

"Move it, scarecrow," she said. "We don't have all day."

Instinctively, I backed up against the cold tiles of the shower, the smooth surface sticking to my sweaty skin. Where was the coach when you needed her?

Savannah Bosworth closed in on me from the left. A single auburn curl fell over one of her dancing eyes.

I looked from her to Gina. Their harassment had never been about physical harm. They always aimed to humiliate me, and I usually put up with it, but this was going too far. I spread my hands together over the front of my white cotton panties.

"Move your hands," Madison Meeks bellowed from the right. She was closing in on me too, her olive skin radiant in the dim light.

"Come on, this is ridiculous. We're eighteen, not twelve," I said. I wanted them to see I wasn't scared of them.


  1. I like it! I think a lot of girls can identify with what I've seen so far. I'd keep reading.

    One little thing:

    "I tried shielding torso with my thin arms--as if there was anything to cover."

    I think you're missing a "my" before "torso."

  2. I can totally relate to the "as if there was anything to cover" comment, so right away I have a commonality and want to read more. I really want to know what these girls are going to do...and right now I'm getting a very squeamish vibe and even though I don't really like feeling squeamish, I want to read on.

  3. I like this too. You've done a great job at creating tension in only 250 words!

  4. You've got a lot of tension and conflict here, but I don't see your MC reacting logically to the situation.

    She's about to have who knows what done to her, and she's thinking about how flat chested she is? In the next paragraph, her reaction is - I am so bored with this. Then - Where is the coach when you needed her - sounded flip and sarcastic, and I would expect a more desperate thought about where the coach was. Then she says she's fed up, but she still cowers, and if she wasn't scared of them, why didn't she just get dressed? Why is she acting intimidated?

    You have the makings for a great opening here. Perhaps take another look at how you show her reactions to it all?

  5. I agree. I'm definitely wondering why they are picking on her and what's going to happen next. Not to mention why this time they are going to get physical!

  6. I get that her emotions and thoughts could be all over the place.

    I question "Move your hands" Unless we are getting into a very unlikely stripping or rape scene, this seems without reason, by the supposedly cool girls surrounding her. If you could invest a couple more words into explaining their humiliation technic, it would help focus your first 250 (or first page) for an agent who likely reads the first page and because of lack of time moves on. (so they often say on blogs etc.)

    Also, where does Gina want her to move it to, and why wouldn't our heroine move away at that moment?
    Clean up these minor points and you'd have a very sellable story.

  7. I'm hooked, but embarassed for her, which makes me not want to read it. I like I watching but not speaking up that what the girls are doing it wrong.

    Which might mean that you did a REALLY good job making me feel her discomfort.

    I'd read on.

  8. I totally feel her pain, but I wouldn't keep reading (because I'm scared for her). I guess that means you did too good a job ;) Maybe hint that she'll get out of this okay -- an ally, she has dirt on one of her tormenters and lets the girl know it so she'll get everyone to back off etc.

  9. This reads a bit like the shower scene in "Carrie." You've done a good job creating the tension. I like the way you introduced the tormentors. I think it's called "blocking" in theater. One question: Why would she spread her hands together over the front of her panties if she wanted her tormentors to see that she wasn't scared of them?

  10. The tension was good, but I thought the tone was a little scattered. A few things lighter in tone (worrying about her flat chest, commenting that they're not twelve any more) and then some with more menace (sweating, backing up, covering up her panties). I'm not sure if I should be worried or not. She doesn't seem that worried. But involving her panties brings it to a whole other level. I might read on to see what happens next, but I'm just not sure what sort of story this is going to be.

  11. So this was interesting. I think bullying is a hot topicv and I would love to find a great book about it.

    One thing I'm having a slightly hard time reconciling here is that your MC seems a little tougher than the type of kid I imagine would normally be picked on. Even that she's arguing and not breaking down, I'm not sure how realistic that is, however much i like to see it.

    I'm definitely a little curious as to what these girls are planning to do, but I don't lknow that I'm dying to know. I feel like you tried really hard to get in all 3 girls names and physical descriptions and to me that's not a 1st page necessity. The queen Bee and her minions could suffice.

    I am having a little trouble putting my finger on this one--but I feel something is missing--maybe what are they planning to do? It just feels a little weird.

    But overall I think this has potential and the writing is good. I think it just needs some thought as to how best to make it can't put it down.