TITLE: CIRCLING
GENRE: Techno Thriller (science fiction elements)
A brilliant but sheltered young woman learns she was found in a crop circle as a baby, and when genetic testing reveals an anomaly in her DNA, she must evade capture by a power-hungry military captain while solving the circle's hidden clues to discover her true identity.
This is good, but I'd put a period after baby. And start a new sentence at When
ReplyDeleteThis is a good start but it needs some consequences. What happens if the captain captures her? What happens if she doesn't discover her identity?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'd suggest you turn this into two sentences. It's a bit too much for one.
It feels long, but I love the idea. :)
ReplyDeleteI really like this. I would break it into two sentences though.
ReplyDeleteHooked. Agreed on the one sentence thing, but there's enough here to give me a solid idea of what the story is, and I want to know more. =]
ReplyDeleteI love the crop circle and weird DNA stuff, very cool. I think you could make the hook a little stronger, though. "learns she was" feels a bit passive...I wonder if you can rephrase to make it pop more.
ReplyDeleteOne sentence or two, it's a strong log line. No doubt about it.
ReplyDeleteVery cool idea - not much to add that hasn't already been said! I like the idea of breaking it into two sentences. And am definitely hooked!
ReplyDeleteI agree with making it two sentences and that it is pretty good as it stands. The only suggestion would be to add something after "true identity" to up the stakes a bit more. Telling us why she needs to know her true identity or if she needs to figure it out before something else happens would show more impetus and urgency.
ReplyDeleteI love this premise. Definitely hooked. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting. It seems like it's going to be one of those action packed novels. I'd want to read.
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job! I really like your log line.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck.
I like this. Maybe put some attitude/voice?
ReplyDeleteI'm going to agree with the voice/attitude thing--it feel a touch on the bland side. Also, I'm just not sure why we care... If I were reading this, I'd read on to see how you handled the DNA stuff (I work in genetics, this would be critical for me :)
ReplyDeleteI would also split this into two sentences for ease of readability, but this one really grabs me in a way a lot of the others didn't. Though, I'll be the first to admit that may be genre preference.
ReplyDeleteYou might start with "Mary (or whatever her name is ) a brilliant . . .
ReplyDeleteand perhaps "A power hungry military captain who (whatever he plans to do with her) while solving . . .
But even as is, it was enough to interest me and make me want to read it.
I think this is a good skeleton for a log line, but I don't think it's quite where you want it to be yet. There are things you can do to shorten it and improve it. For one, try to figure out your character's dominant impression. What I mean by this is if you had to pick one adjective and one noun to describe her, you probably wouldn't just go with sheltered woman, right? Is she a brilliant scientist? A sheltered artist? A cunning strategist? These all say a lot more than "brilliant but sheltered young woman." Also, by describing her so concisely, you may give the reader a clue as to how she's able to evade a power-hungry military captain. Without that clue, you leave this open to unbelievability. The second thing I'd put in there is the motivation, the "why." Why is she getting genetic testing? That's not a normal thing. And how will figuring out the crop circles/her true identity help resolve the problem of the military captain? At this point, the captain is your main conflict, so focus on the stakes that are relevant to overcoming that conflict. Right now, as I read this, I'm thinking "well, if she can read crop circles, that makes her more interesting to the military and makes her problem worse." I'd believe it more if it was something along the lines of: "A cunning scientist discovers genetic anomalies in her DNA that prove her birth in a crop circle was more than coincidence. Chased by a power-hungry military captain determined to study her like a lab rat, her only chance at freedom is to decode the mysteries of the circle and trade the intel for her life." (Just an example, not trying to rewrite for you! Your story probably has a different plot. But there, at least I know how the search for her true identity is relevant to the conflict.)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the 2 sentences, but I'm definitely hooked. I'd love to read this.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was good, but I agree about starting a new sentence after 'baby'. Otherwise, good job! This makes me want to read on.
ReplyDelete