All seventeen-year-old Princess Fawn of Savara wants is to avenge her betrothed, but refusing to marry the son of the king responsible for his death could lead to a war that devastates both their countries.
This one, I'm not sure on. It's not a bad logline, but I wish I got a better sense of the character (a princess bent on revenge? Is she going to hunt the guy down and slit his throat or do a trade embargo on the kingdom?) and although I like the stakes here - (avoiding war) - I don't see where the story itself is going, which I think is the big thing missing.
With the whole "avenge her betrothed" thing, I doubt this is a sweet and innocent love story, so I'd like to get a better sense of the kinds of conflicts that she's going to face.
Fawn refuses to marry the son of the king responsible, but when THIS, THIS, and THIS OTHER EXCITING THING happen, she has to make a decision between MORAL and OTHER MORAL.
Or something along those lines, to let me know what to expect. Is the other son actually a good guy and worth marrying, even if his dad is a toad? Do we WANT her to decide to avoid the war, or do we want to feel that giving in would result in even more problems for the people of her country?
I think it does sound exciting, but I think you have a tense problem. I think it should be: "could lead to a war that will devastate both countries." Because it hasn't happened yet.
Nice logline, but it does feel like something's missing. How will she avenge her betrothed? Is there magic involved here? Why does she care if the war devastates the other country? I agree, it would be interesting to know what the son of the king is like.
I don't mean you should include all of these things, just throwing out suggestions for how to spice it up.
This makes it sound like the story is about a girl contemplating a decision - should I avenge my betrothed or not? I would guess that it's about much more. Perhaps say what her decision was, and what that results in?
We've got a character, a goal, some conflict and some stakes but we are missing what actually happens in the story or, at least, what starts the story (inciting incident). Is she already trying to avenge her betrothed when she finds out she has to marry the son of the king who killed him? What happens when she refuses? How are these consequences personal to her? How is she torn? Does she actually like the son of the king?
I like the idea of the story, but I don't think the two clauses as you have them fit. She wants to avenge his murder and she wants to refuse to marry the murderer's son. I would try to connect how she plans to avenge his murder
For me, there are a few things that aren't gelling in this logline. For one, how does she know that the father of her new fiance is responsible for the death of her dead love? Because if she knows, shouldn't other people, like, say, her father, who presumably is arranging these marriages? (The marriages must be arranged, otherwise refusing to marry the new prince wouldn't be a big deal. Or you need to tell the reader why else it's a big deal.) And if other people know the king is guilty, then shouldn't the family of the ex-betrothed be taking revenge on the king, too? And is this a case where a war would be justified? How does the princess know the war will devastate both countries? And here I am thinking that unless the new fiance is horrible, marrying him would be the perfect way to get revenge on the king because it will bring her closer to him...and potentially make his son miserable. The reason I have these thoughts is because there's no real context. Why is it that a marriage refusal will start a war? Who was her betrothed and why is no one avenging his death, if it's a well-known fact that the other king is responsible? There are too many unanswered questions here. To fix this, I'd focus more on the context, the why, the motivation. Why will refusing marriage start a war and why can't she avenge her betrothed's death?
You've got some great comments already. I'd love to see just a couple of words about why she's being forced to marry after her betrothed was murdered - is it political to stop the war, or does the war happen because she refuses? Also, how short a timeframe are we talking? It's just that the way the two concepts are linked made me wonder if all the events took place close together (which seems a little odd and also rather heartless of her own family, assuming an arranged marriage), or years after her betrothed's death.
A lot of people have already critiqued this but I'll put ion my two cents. I'd definitely read on. There are a lot of questions asked but log lines should lead to some questions. You can't answer everything in two lines.
"Seventeen-year-old Princess Fawn of Savara" is a mouthful. I'd suggest cutting the "seventeen-year-old" part because we know she'll be around that age since it's a YA. I'd also take out "could lead" because it's very passive. I want action.
I liked the logline. It showed the protag, the age, the goal (avenge her bethrothed), the thing standing in her way (she's being forced to marry the bad guy's son) and then her choice (if she doesn't, there could be a devastating war). So I'll read on to see what she decides.
I like it and want to read it, but I agree it it missing a spark. What about something along this line, only better:
When Princess Fawn's true love is killed by a neighboring king, she vows to get revenge. But if she doesn't marry his son, the evil king will wage war upon her country, putting the lives of her friends and family at risk.
I like this enough that I might read on, but I'm left wondering how avenging the death and marrying the son are connected. As is, it sounds like refusing the marriage is how she planned to avenge the death--except she can't because it will lead to war. And I don't think that's what you meant.
This one, I'm not sure on. It's not a bad logline, but I wish I got a better sense of the character (a princess bent on revenge? Is she going to hunt the guy down and slit his throat or do a trade embargo on the kingdom?) and although I like the stakes here - (avoiding war) - I don't see where the story itself is going, which I think is the big thing missing.
ReplyDeleteWith the whole "avenge her betrothed" thing, I doubt this is a sweet and innocent love story, so I'd like to get a better sense of the kinds of conflicts that she's going to face.
Fawn refuses to marry the son of the king responsible, but when THIS, THIS, and THIS OTHER EXCITING THING happen, she has to make a decision between MORAL and OTHER MORAL.
Or something along those lines, to let me know what to expect. Is the other son actually a good guy and worth marrying, even if his dad is a toad? Do we WANT her to decide to avoid the war, or do we want to feel that giving in would result in even more problems for the people of her country?
As is, the story doesn't sound exciting to me.
I think it does sound exciting, but I think you have a tense problem. I think it should be: "could lead to a war that will devastate both countries." Because it hasn't happened yet.
ReplyDeleteDoes the war happen? If not, how do you know it will devastate both countries? If it does, then shouldn't that read "leads to a war..."
ReplyDeleteNice logline, but it does feel like something's missing. How will she avenge her betrothed? Is there magic involved here? Why does she care if the war devastates the other country? I agree, it would be interesting to know what the son of the king is like.
ReplyDeleteI don't mean you should include all of these things, just throwing out suggestions for how to spice it up.
This makes it sound like the story is about a girl contemplating a decision - should I avenge my betrothed or not? I would guess that it's about much more. Perhaps say what her decision was, and what that results in?
ReplyDeleteLove this.
ReplyDeleteIt communicates the age of the protag, a bit of back story (excellent BTW), the stakes (war), and the conflict.
I would read more.
The only change I would make is to eliminate '...of Savara...".
For now, the name of her country isn't needed.
Good Job.
We've got a character, a goal, some conflict and some stakes but we are missing what actually happens in the story or, at least, what starts the story (inciting incident). Is she already trying to avenge her betrothed when she finds out she has to marry the son of the king who killed him? What happens when she refuses? How are these consequences personal to her? How is she torn? Does she actually like the son of the king?
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of the story, but I don't think the two clauses as you have them fit. She wants to avenge his murder and she wants to refuse to marry the murderer's son. I would try to connect how she plans to avenge his murder
ReplyDeleteFor me, there are a few things that aren't gelling in this logline. For one, how does she know that the father of her new fiance is responsible for the death of her dead love? Because if she knows, shouldn't other people, like, say, her father, who presumably is arranging these marriages? (The marriages must be arranged, otherwise refusing to marry the new prince wouldn't be a big deal. Or you need to tell the reader why else it's a big deal.) And if other people know the king is guilty, then shouldn't the family of the ex-betrothed be taking revenge on the king, too? And is this a case where a war would be justified? How does the princess know the war will devastate both countries? And here I am thinking that unless the new fiance is horrible, marrying him would be the perfect way to get revenge on the king because it will bring her closer to him...and potentially make his son miserable. The reason I have these thoughts is because there's no real context. Why is it that a marriage refusal will start a war? Who was her betrothed and why is no one avenging his death, if it's a well-known fact that the other king is responsible? There are too many unanswered questions here. To fix this, I'd focus more on the context, the why, the motivation. Why will refusing marriage start a war and why can't she avenge her betrothed's death?
ReplyDeleteEveryone has done a very thorough critique of this. Good luck getting that all in one or two sentences. ;)
ReplyDeleteGreat job on the voice. When it's only one sentence, it's so easy to lose that.
You've got some great comments already. I'd love to see just a couple of words about why she's being forced to marry after her betrothed was murdered - is it political to stop the war, or does the war happen because she refuses? Also, how short a timeframe are we talking? It's just that the way the two concepts are linked made me wonder if all the events took place close together (which seems a little odd and also rather heartless of her own family, assuming an arranged marriage), or years after her betrothed's death.
ReplyDeleteA lot of people have already critiqued this but I'll put ion my two cents. I'd definitely read on. There are a lot of questions asked but log lines should lead to some questions. You can't answer everything in two lines.
ReplyDelete"Seventeen-year-old Princess Fawn of Savara" is a mouthful. I'd suggest cutting the "seventeen-year-old" part because we know she'll be around that age since it's a YA. I'd also take out "could lead" because it's very passive. I want action.
Hope this helps and good luck!
I liked the logline. It showed the protag, the age, the goal (avenge her bethrothed), the thing standing in her way (she's being forced to marry the bad guy's son) and then her choice (if she doesn't, there could be a devastating war). So I'll read on to see what she decides.
ReplyDeleteI like it and want to read it, but I agree it it missing a spark. What about something along this line, only better:
ReplyDeleteWhen Princess Fawn's true love is killed by a neighboring king, she vows to get revenge. But if she doesn't marry his son, the evil king will wage war upon her country, putting the lives of her friends and family at risk.
I like this enough that I might read on, but I'm left wondering how avenging the death and marrying the son are connected. As is, it sounds like refusing the marriage is how she planned to avenge the death--except she can't because it will lead to war. And I don't think that's what you meant.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the excellent advice!
ReplyDelete