TITLE: The Persephone Paradox
GENRE: YA Contemporary Mythology
When 17-year-old Zoe attempts suicide to escape her stepfather's abuse, The Fates send a demi-angel to lead her to her true destiny. But if she can't discover her own worth and learn to wield the powers she inherited as a daughter of the goddess Persephone, then the evil Greek god who has targeted her soul will use Zoe to conquer humankind.
Is "YA Contemporary Mythology" a genre?
ReplyDeleteAside from that, I like this and it sounds like the kind of thing I'd open up to read more on.
This sounds almost like two stories. It's the opening that throws me. It reads as if the abusive father is a throwaway that just leads in to her attempted suicide. If the abusive father isn't a thread that is strung through the novel perhaps omit mentioning the father. If the abuse does play some part in the novel, perhaps find a way to connect it to all the other stuff.
ReplyDeleteI think the phrase 'discover her own worth' perhaps weakens the second sentence a little, but I like the sound of the story.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that raised a red flag for me was that you got a demi-angel appearing, and I don't think that there are any angels in Greek mythology? (Apologies if I'm way off, I'm no expert, it's just something that sticks out.)
A few comments:
ReplyDelete1) You need to tell us what her true destiny is right up front
2) "Discover her own worth" is not a tangible goal. Neither is "learn to wield the powers she inherited..." We need a goal that we can SEE her achieve in the end. Maybe you just need to be more specific about what she is going to learn to do.
3) I don't think we need to know about the stepfather. "Escape abuse" is enough.
the only issue i have with this is the discovering her true destiny
ReplyDeletethis makes it sound like she has a predetermined path and has no choices to make along the way.
I think this is logline overload here. We have a seventeen year old, a stepfather, the fates, a demi-angel (?...never heard of that before), Persephone, and an unnamed evil Greek god. We also have a suicide, abuse, a surprise inheritance of powers, and someone trying to steal this girl's soul. Simplify! What is Zoe's goal? Her main motivation? The major conflict? Focus only on that.
ReplyDeleteThere are no demi-angels in Greek mythologies. Only demi-gods. As for genre, it would be YA urban fantasy. You've made up a genre.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a good story, but you need to make it less vague as to her destiny. I'd cut the part about discovering her own worth. Keep it simple. The learning to wield her powers (what powers?) is great as is. The other stuff you can include in the query, but make it less vague.
I agree with the others: cut the part about the abuse. It might be important in the story, but it's too much info here.
Ditto on the comments that your genre doesn't make sense. YA UF is a good genre to write in. :) Own it.
ReplyDeleteThere's just too much going on here. You're going to have to chose the one major storyline and just hook us in with that.
Good luck!
I suggest you go with a standard genre, at least if you intend to enter the contest. I think you're safe with simply YA contemporary fantasy. It's clearly related to mythology.
ReplyDeleteIt does sound like a cool story.
You're story sounds interesting. I think the log line does need to be refocused to simplify the the information. I'd cut the first sentence and focus mainly on the fact that Zoe is a descendant of Persephone, and with the help of a demi-angel (which doesn't exist in Greek mythology but that's okay, we're writers and have some creative freedoms), has to learn to harness her new powers before someone else uses them.
ReplyDeleteHope this helps and good luck!
Author here. Thanks everyone for your comments! If anyone is still reading, here's a revision:
ReplyDeleteWhen 17-year-old Zoe attempts suicide, The Fates send one of their agents to lead her to her true destiny—a path that lands her in Hades with her spring-goddess mother, Persephone. If Zoe wants to choose her own fate, she must master her gift-with-all-things-green before an evil god uses her powers to conquer humankind.
I still think you're missing the mark, even with the revision. For one, I thought Hades had a pretty tight hold on Persephone, so does that make Hades Zoe's father? (Or maybe my mythology is a little off, skewed by so much fiction in this area.) However, why is this "evil god" unnamed? And you have "true destiny" and "choose her own fate" which are conflicting ideas here. And if she can't master her own powers, how will an evil god use her? Can the evil god use her powers? It's not like he can force her to use them if she doesn't have mastery over them. I don't quite get it. I'm still not seeing Zoe's goal or motivation in here. What does she *want*? Why does she *want it*? What's getting in her way? (Presumably the evil god is what's getting in her way). I'm not 100% sure what your story line is here, but maybe something like:
ReplyDeleteAll seventeen-year-old (spell it out!) Zoe wants is to forge her own destiny, but breaking from the path The Fates set out for her could have deadly consequences. As a daughter of Persephone, Zoe has control over all things green, but ignoring her Greek past--and future--could mean take over by an evil god bent on conquering Earth. [This has her goal, which hints at her motivation, and it shows the conflict and how not mastering her powers has consequences. Also, the reason I left out the suicide is because it seems like a temporary inciting incident, but isn't the real incident that sets off the main plot. Suicide attempts may make the Fates send someone to her, but isn't it the plotting by the evil god that really sets off events? Without the evil god, the story wouldn't happen, at least not how you have your logline written, so the evil god is your inciting event. Focus on that.]
I like K Cooper's revision but I would say it still needs a tangible goal. "Forge her own destiny" is not something we can see happen in the end. We need something specific, like "get a job selling flowers on the street" (but not THAT!)
ReplyDeleteAuthor here again. Thanks so much! I'll keep working on it.
ReplyDeleteReally cool concept here and storyline -- this is the kind of thing I'd pick up in a second to read. That said, the logline does try to get too much info in that is extraneous to the main conflict and goal but I think loglines are hard to write! I like the revision and suggest you go with something like that. Otherwise, really interested in the story!
ReplyDeleteFirst version was too complicated, but you're on the right track with the revision. I like K. Cooper's suggestion also.
ReplyDelete