TITLE: Uriel's Fall
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Uriel has been raised since she was a cherub to be successor to the great and might Lucifer: an advocate for humanity and a counter-balance to the archangel Gabriel. As she begins to spend time
amongst humanity she realizes what she thought her job was and what she was actually created to do are two very different things. Torn between the loyalty instilled in all of Jehovah's angels and ancient gods with good advice and bad intentions she'll need to decide which is right, or if she should be giving credence to the voice in her head.
Much too long. And confusing - she's an advocate for humanity on behalf of Lucifer? She's torn by the loyalty instilled in Jehovah's angels - loyalty to whom? There are a lot of gods and devils and stuff, but I have no idea what the story is. Go back to square one - who *specifically* is your hero and what do they want?ReplyDelete
What I like about this is that you are specific. It gives a very clear picture of what your novel is about and I think it's really interesting. However, I think it is way too long for a logline. One sentence or two, but not a paragraph. This is more of a summary. Also, the last line was difficult to follow.ReplyDelete
This sentence felt convoluted and too passive - "what she thought her job was and what she was actually created to do are two very different things." I also wondered what the voice in her head is telling her. Is this the ancient god?ReplyDelete
Too much backstory, I think. It gives a good picture of Uriel's past, but is too heavy in a logline and much of the rest of the logline is vague. "what she thought her job was" and "what she was actually created to do".ReplyDelete
Focus is missing on this one, I think. The main character, the inciting incident, the conflict (all internal conflict, based on this, with no real bad guy except herself), the stakes (what happens if she fails at ... whatever it is she needs to do?).. the goal (listening to the voice in her head?)
The premise sounds interesting, but the logline needs more focus, I think.
I agree that this is too long and a bit confusing, especially the last line about the voice in her head. Sure, there are some interesting twists to your story, but they don't seem to come through clearly enough.ReplyDelete
I agree that you need to get rid of the backstory. If you focus on the actual story and then add a clear goal and some consequences, you'll have a much stronger logline.ReplyDelete
I thought this was very confusing. I had the same impression as Funnygirl. Bring the camera in a bit closerReplyDelete
What is her job as Lucifer's successor? (what she thinks)
What does it turn out to really be.
What does that mean to her? How will it affect her life? What problems does it present?
I think it sounds like a great story, but this logline gives a broad background without much detail for what actually happens in the book.ReplyDelete
It seems to me that this logline is all backstory, and while the whole "successor to Lucifer" thing is interesting, it's also ambiguous. Do you mean she's being raised to take over for the devil, or to fill in Lucifer's spot in heaven, the one left empty when he was cast into hell? Because depending on what you mean, those are two very different characters and two very different stories. I'd start by distilling your character down into two words: an adjective and a noun. We don't need her name to be hooked, but we readers do need to know what type of character Uriel is and how she fits into the plot. So, is she a dark angel? A loyal angel? Or is she more of a fighter, i.e. angelic fighter? You can speak volumes about a character based on how you describe them, and it will eliminate your need for backstory. One adjective. One noun. Make it really focused. Then, what is the inciting incident? What happens on earth to make her feel conflicted? Does she fall in love with a human? Is she appalled by a murder she witnesses? Your logline gives me no clue about what happens (read: plot), so I'm left guessing. Speak about the big event (should be in your first 30-50 pages, and if it's not, something is wrong), not how she was raised as a cherub. Finally, what are the stakes? What does Uriel stand to lose if she can't figure out what's good and right? It can be hard to think of your novel in such simple terms, but when you can distill your plot into one or two sentences, your logline becomes a powerful tool.ReplyDelete
I am learning so much about log-lines by reading these and the comments that follow each one. I think you, like me, made your logline more of a back cover blurb (which I think this would rock as). So, my advice? Use some of the other commentors' advice and shorten this down to that one sentence that encompasses the whole book... and I think you will be able to do that well.ReplyDelete