Thursday, October 21, 2010

Logline Critique Session One: #9

TITLE: Sakura Girl
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy

Almost-Senior Holly is banished to Japan to spend her last summer of freedom with her grandmother instead of her friends, but when she discovers that she's the key to releasing a captive Time Dragon and rewriting history things start getting interesting - especially when the dragon looks like a hot seventeen-year-old boy with a mysterious scar.


  1. *weeble wobble*

    Not hooked, interesting, hooky, not hooked again.

    (Yes, I know, I'm VERY helpful)

    "banished" to Japan sounds odd and sort of has me assuming she did something to deserve it. Losing a summer with friends is the only stakes I see, and those appear to be pre-story stakes. "Time Dragon" made me go "oooh, cool" but "boy with scar" isn't interesting enough to replace conflict and stakes. What does she risk to achieve the goal of releasing the dragon? Or is her goal to rewrite history? What happens if she doesn't succeed?

  2. What if you change almost senior to an actual age - give us more of an idea who Holly is? Not sure if you need 'her friends' since once we get a better picture of her (senior college, senior high school, senior grade school) we'll get it that being taken away from her friends is horrible. Place a comma after 'history'.

    I'd also start with how she feels - "With her last year of summer freedom ruined, seventeen-year old Holly can't see how life could get any worse after being banished to spend it with her grandmother in Japan, until she discovers ..." - that gives you an idea at least.

  3. Ok, I like this, but it should be two sentences. Man, is it long right now. Change the comma to a period, lose the but, and capitalize when.

    Finally, the "dragon is a hot guy" thing isn't handled quite delicately enough. Make us see that this is something seriously cool, and not just typical paranormal romance faire. Is him being a hot guy really central to the plot? Is it all about their relationship?

    Let us see the stakes. If she doesn't [get the dragon back into captivity] then [Japan will will WWII]. Or whatever. That's really the central story here.

  4. What a great name for a main character!!!

    "Things start getting interesting" is vague and a waste of words. What actually happens to make her want to enter this conflict? And is releasing a captive Time Dragon a good thing or bad thing? What are the consequences of her doing so or not doing so?

  5. Girl is emo about her parents making her do something - then hooks up with a hot guy.


  6. I agree with S. Kyle that 'the hot guy' puts the emphasis on the romance, (making it a generic story) when it should perhaps be more on the consequences of releasing the Time Dragon and changing (or not changing) history.

    And you might mention what point in history (Maybe the bomb wouldn't have been dropped on Hiroshima) That aspect would be more unique and interesting, I think, than the romance.

  7. I second S.K.D. on that one. Actually, I second S.K.D on both posts. Like it, but needs a few changes to be perfect. But definitely like it.

  8. This sounds too much like a hundred different animes that I've watched. Not hooked.

  9. Definitely a unique enough concept to interest me, though I'm curious how releasing the Time Dragon actually does anything to change history. Does he rewrite it to suit his own tastes? Take suggestions from Holly? Does she have to convince him to keep it the way it is?

  10. I think this sounds great. There is room to detail some more action though - what is the main conflict?

  11. Thanks for all the comments guys! I really appreciate it. I've tried to work on this a little bit based on your feedback. Is this any better?

    When seventeen year old Holly is forced to spend the last summer of
    high school with her grandmother in Japan, she doesn’t expect to fall in love with a time dragon posing as a hot seventeen-year-old boy. But when she discovers that her blood is the key to freeing him from his five hundred year prison and rewriting history, she must decide if he’s worth the price – if she fails, she’ll not only lose him, she’ll lose any chance at having a future.

  12. I liked the first one a little bit, but I was a bit confused. There seemed to be too much information for just a log line. But after reading your second attempt (MUCH better, by the way), I think the problem with the first one was just the way the information was organized. If you end up participating in the "Big Special December Thing", I would definitely use the second one. Good job!

  13. Just wanted to add that I would read this. After seeing Japan, dragon, and altering history I was hooked. Plus falling in love with the dragon. Swoon.

    Sure, I think the writing could be stream-lined a bit because it seems awfully long. But I think your second attempt was much better.