TITLE: Theft of the Star Tracker
GENRE: MG Adventure
When their highly technical science project is stolen, brothers Alex and Drew Richfield must learn to work together to foil school bully, Brett Larson. At stake are the brothers' reputations, relationship and the grand prize!
This is good. But I had one little- hmmm- moment. You say the brothers must learn to work together but I assume they already did that when they worked on their project. If they don't usually get along, are rivals or something, you should say so-must learn to put aside their rivalry in order to foil the school bully...
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't think we need to know the bully's name so much as why the brothers need to thwart him. I mean, no one likes bullies, but did he steal their project? is he going to use its technology to make someone's life hell?
I think sbjames hit everything on the head. Haven't they worked together on the project? What is the bully trying to do? Why would the bully doing that threaten their reputations?
ReplyDeleteAlso, are they twins?
Interesting concept, but give us more. :)
This sounds like a really fun book! My only suggestion is to maybe tell us what the awesome grand prize is, so we better understand why a school bully is so interested in winning a science competition.
ReplyDeleteI really like the concept of the two brothers, but the stakes feel a little too generic.
ReplyDeleteFoil the school bully from doing what? And who is going to stop them from foiling him? The bully himself? Or are you trying to imply the real challenge is that the boys need to learn to work together?
ReplyDeleteSo many names, no stakes at all.
ReplyDeleteI think we all know what you're trying to say here, but it's just not being conveyed in a clear-cut way. The way the first sentence reads, it sounds like the brothers are getting revenge on Brett Larson for no reason. You don't directly state that he's the one who stole the project, which is what I think you mean to say. Also, I tend to think it's not the best idea to come right out and say what the stakes are, as in "The stakes are this, this, and this." I'd like to see you reveal the stakes in a way that shows how they pile up. How does their science project being stolen lead to all these things, exactly? I know that's tough to convey in just a couple sentences, but it's possible.
ReplyDeleteThe first commenter did nail this well. With those suggestions, I think the first sentence will be great. The second sentence needs work. As said by someone else, don't say, "At stake..." I'm hoping that the "high-tech" project in the hands of the bully might be the true stakes...what will happen if they don't foil him?
ReplyDeleteGreat advice, everyone. So much easier to see the flaws and the possibilities through someone else's eyes.
ReplyDeleteAlready working on revisions - Thanks!
I liked this log-line. I drew me in. One very small thing- I've always heard exclamation points are not good to use. Ever.
ReplyDeleteBut again, I really liked this log-line.