Thursday, October 21, 2010

Logline Critique Session One: #15

TITLE: Love? Please! (A Tale of the Holy Water Warriors)
GENRE: Paranormal Romance

All Fomorian Hells are about to bust loose on earth, making human souls the daily special, if the Tuatha de Danaan cannot protect the mortals. Teagan, a demi-goddess hiding in a Colorado town from her destiny, wants nothing to do with her mother's forgotten realm. She has a life, one that doesn't include the sexy warrior sent for her. Merric has other plans for Teagan. She holds the key to salvation for both him and the world, whether she wants to or not, and he'll do whatever it takes to convince her-- no matter what his heart might desire.


  1. Too long. Confusing. I'm assuming Tuatha is the mother? Start with Teagan, follow with Merric. Can you get more specific? Paranormals are filled with girls holding the key to this or that. Why are the hero and heroine kept apart?

  2. This confused me, too. It read more like a query than a logline. Streamlining it down to the main character and conflict would help, I think

  3. *nod* This one reads more like the back of a book than a logline. It's interesting, but "plans" "protect" and "convince" are very very vague. The stakes appear to be hell on earth, but the person who can keep that from happening doesn't ... want to help? The only thing she needs to overcome is the lack of desire to save the world?

    The sexy warrior's heart doesn't desire to convince her to stop the world from plunging into hell?

    I think I'm missing out on some key motivations or conflicts here.

  4. I agree with the above comments. It is too long and I think there are too many names to keep track of. I would stick to the protag and leave the others out.

  5. I agree with everyone else and would add one more thing: you need to focus on one character in a logline. Tell us the goals, conflict, stakes... for Teagan and leave the rest of them out of it, except as they relate to her.

  6. The first half sets it up as Teagan's story. The last half makes it Merric's. Also, perhaps start with the 2nd sentence.

    But, honestly, you have a girl who doesn't want anything, except to be left alone. That doesn't really draw me in.

  7. I agree with the others. I was lost before I finished reading the first sentence.

  8. (It might be just me - the first part of the title doesn't seem to go with everything else. Light and joshing, and then suddenly: Fomorian Hells are busting loose!)

    The logline is so long and detailed I kind of forgot what was happening in the first line by the time I had finished.

  9. I also think you could really tighten up. How about...

    Hell's really breaking loose and humnas are the latest daily special. To stop the demons, Teagan must team up with a world she'd rather forget and a warrior she'd rather not love.

    Well, that's just to give you some ideas - I'm not even sure that matches your story, but I thought it might help you. :) Sounds like you have a fun story!