TITLE: WISTFUL
GENRE: YA Regency Romance
"I now pronounce you husband and wife."
At the sudden roar of applause that thundered behind us, I clasped my hands tightly together to hide the trembling.
My new husband, the Viscount Vaugh of Jerrell, didn't notice. He was too busy wheezing as he turned around. He leaned heavily on his cane before reaching out his other hand for my own. I tried not to grimace when I felt his crinkled, paper-like skin on mine.
As we walked down the aisle, I glanced up at our reflection in the looming cathedral windows. What a pair we were. A young girl of fifteen and an elderly man. If it weren't for my lavish white ballgown and his matching waistcoat, we would have looked like a grandfather going to church with his grandchild.
Once we reached the end of the aisles, he let go of my hand and smiled at the crush of people coming toward us. I didn't know any of them. They were all guests my mother and Lord Vaugh had invited down from London to attend our wedding.
My mother's face suddenly slid into view. "Darling, the wedding was absolutely beautiful," she exclaimed with a beaming smile. Her blond hair was so tightly pinned back it didn't move when she pulled me into her embrace.
The hug snapped me out of my stupor. "Mother." I let out a shaky breath. "I don't know if I can do this," I whispered.
LOVE. The moment I read that first line and realized this was YA, I was hooked. And further with the part about the Viscount and his cane and crinkly skin -- I cringed along with your heroine. This is a very compelling opening. Consider me hooked!
ReplyDeleteI immediately feel creepy when I find out he's an old man and she's fifteen...um, gross. As long as I don't have to read about the sex, I think I'd read further to see how she's going to get out of it.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I've never read a YA Regency! Really no nits with the writing, which is sound. I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteThis is pretty solid as is. Just a few suggestions. She wouldn't know what the Viscount noticed, so you may want to say 'seemed' not to notice, or just not mention it at all.
ReplyDeleteWould the cathedral windows be clear glass or stained glass? Seems in a cathedral, as opposed to a small local church, they'd be stained glass, and would she be able to see her reflection in them?
And when you say 'a young girl and an eldery man' does she really think of him as an 'elderly man,' or is she thinking of him as someone old enough to be her grandfather (which you mention a bit later). It just seems you need something more descriptive than 'eldery.' Describe him as she would. If she really would describe him as eldery, then keep that, because it does say something about who she is, but whatever word you use there, let it reflect her personality.
And I believed that she might not know 'any' of the guests. I assumed she was probably poor and someone didn't want the riff-raff at the wedding. But then you introduced her mother, and it seemed she had some status and education, and at that point, I began to question why none of the MC's family and friends were there, or why she wouldn't know the Viscount's friends, at least by name?
All nitpicky things. Nicely done!
I really want to write this, but I'm too busy being creeped out. Your 13-16 year old girl market (the YA market) isn't going to like this at all.
ReplyDeleteHave to agree with Anon...this isn't for the YA market-I would say 'from what we see here' but no young girl would get past the wheeze and the paper-like skin. Yuck-o-rama. Strong writing, I think you're banging your head against the wall if YA is the target.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your input! Don't worry, there's no icky old man sex. :) The MC actually runs away by the end of the first chapter (before the day is over) and the rest of the story continues on from there.
ReplyDeleteI liked it, but what do I know, I'm a grandfather.
ReplyDeleteI called my wife over. She has read over a thousand romances, no maybe 2000, and I have the book shelves to prove it. She was creeped out and claimed ot have never come across this twist.
I, however, can see how this works.
If you keep getting this gross out impression, you could start the story when she's on the run, and at some later points in the story— flash back, in that way everybody, heroine and audience could be cheering her on and icked out at the same time. N'est-ce pas?
Hooked! The moment you described the groom's papery hand, I was properly horrified. It's not overwritten, and I'm already completely sympathetic to the plight of your MC. Great work and best wishes.
ReplyDeleteI was totally interested the moment I saw YA Regency.
ReplyDeleteOld men marrying young girls were normal then, but still sickening to the young girls even then, I'd imagine. If she runs away by the end of chap 1, then I don't think you need this at all. Why no show her on her wedding night running away?
I am curious of what will happen. I would definitely read more.
I liked it - very realistic in the Regency period (the period I write in).
ReplyDeleteIt is strong enough that most people would read on. If you fear the younger market might not, perhaps, near the beginning, have her internally think that there is no way she was going through with this.
“Regardless of what she had just promised before God, she inwardly vowed this marriage would be in name only."
It shows a bit about her character - strong - and would perhaps ease the icky feeling.
All in all very well done - I'd read on.
I agree with Bronwen- make it apparent pretty quickly that the wedding won't be consummated. Otherwise, I'm hooked. Good mix of description-- not so many adjectives that I get bored, but I can easily picture the scene. Well done!
ReplyDeleteDr. Krog
Jenn, the fact that she takes off changes everything...as others have said, make that known from the start,,,takes the creepiness out.
ReplyDeleteI agree. Start on the run. Mostly because people aren't going to want to put any stock in this just to have it nullified by the end of the chapter.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is very strong, however.
Thanks everyone else for their comments! I wanted to ask your opinion on this. My first draft started with the MC on the run, but it had too much backstory in it. This way, I started the story right when she's about to leave.
ReplyDeleteLike I said before, she takes off at the end of this chapter. My query/blurb states the fact that this will only be a marriage in name right away so the agent will know. Should I still think about changing it anyway?
I may end up adding a line in there just in case. Thanks again!
Your writing is solid. As an adult, I don't have a problem with the way your novel starts. But if you're targeting young adults, I'm not sure if they'll get past the "Eww" factor. Maybe you can start with the protagonist explaining to herself that this episode is going to be over very soon. Maybe you could have her thinking about the first thing she's going to do once she gets out of her situation.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Interesting reactions. Interesting story. I think it's very nicely done.
ReplyDeleteI think betwqeen youn g girls and old men were pretty common back then for all kinds of crazy reasons so I don't think there's a problem with that, even if they did have sex which would be not fun to watch. But I think the general idea is fine and I don't have a problem starting here either. I agree it would seem like if you start with her running away it would seem like you'd need a lot of backstory.
I do think a line like Mother I can't do this would more likely come right before the wedding, but that might just be me.
As far as it being for the YA audience, I realize that YA romance is becoming a hot new area. I'm not sure that I see YA regency as a natural fit for it, but I could be totally wrong. I'm just not sure that YA girls of today will really relate and then 15 could end up being really super young and even though it's in keeping with the time period, it might serve you better to have her a bit older.
All in all, I think the writing was really nice here and the premise is interesting. I would say you'[ve got a nice hook here. Interesting reactions. Interesting story. I think it's very nicely done.
I think betwqeen youn g girls and old men were pretty common back then for all kinds of crazy reasons so I don't think there's a problem with that, even if they did have sex which would be not fun to watch. But I think the general idea is fine and I don't have a problem starting here either. I agree it would seem like if you start with her running away it would seem like you'd need a lot of backstory.
I do think a line like Mother I can't do this would more likely come right before the wedding, but that might just be me.
As far as it being for the YA audience, I realize that YA romance is becoming a hot new area. I'm not sure that I see YA regency as a natural fit for it, but I could be totally wrong. I'm just not sure that YA girls of today will really relate and then 15 could end up being really super young and even though it's in keeping with the time period, it might serve you better to have her a bit older.
All in all, I think the writing was really nice here and the premise is interesting. I would say you'[ve got a nice hook here.
It's been a loooong time since I read them, but this reminds me of the Victoria Holt novels I read as a young teen. They were very popular and I don't remember any specifics, but this plot sounds like it could be one- which is a good thing!
ReplyDeleteI was immediately hooked. All throughout history, women have been considered property and married off for monitary, political,"religious" reasons(I put that in quotes because I'm thinking of the poor young girls wed to old dudes in poligamous societies who are used to "reward" loyal followers of a made-up religious sect. Yes, it is still happening.Count your blessings, girls.)
Great voice and great start. I love that our protag is not going to stand for it and I want to read about her fight for independence!