To stop the renegade alien sent to Earth to control her, eighteen-year-old Olivia Ryan must join forces with the boy responsible for her mother's death.
Ooh, I like this, especially the last part about teaming up with the boy responsible for her mother's death. I think it would be even better if you could succinctly fit in why a renegade alien is out to control her.
Good and succinct. I think it'd be even better with a little more detail (and I like having the MC first in the loglines - makes it easy to tell who I should be rooting for).
I like this but I think it could be better. The premise is clear but the voice is lacking, give me something that paints a picture, punches it up. That said, I would read more.
You've done a great job at getting almost everything in a short sentence. The only thing that could use more is the consequences. What happens if the alien controls her and why does she want to stop it from happening?
With just that last part in the logline I would be interested in this story to see how realistic the characters and the storyline are. If done right, this could make for great conflict.
This logline is a great start and I love the conflict the heroine has to overcome. You might consider giving a "why" to the first part. Why is the alien wanting to control her? But that is my only suggestion. Good job on this.
Thanks,everyone! Your comments have been very helpful. I've been working on rewriting it, trying to inject some voice and squeeze in the main consequence (and not have it sound totally cliche and overdone), but I'm not sure it's working. This is what I have so far.
Eighteen-year-old Olivia Ryan is an alien with superpowers—not that anyone bothers to tell her this before a renegade alien shows up with the intent to use Olivia’s dormant power to wrest control of the universe from its creator. To stop the renegade and protect everyone she loves, she must embrace her abilities and join forces with the boy responsible for her mother’s death.
64 words in this version vs. 25 words in the original
What do you think? This one has more detail, but does that really make it stronger?
I like this concept but I think the sentence needs rearranged. Start with Eighteen year old Olivia Ryan...
ReplyDeleteNice! Specific, conflict-ey. The only thing I'd love to know is why must Olivia be controlled?
ReplyDeleteOoh, I like this, especially the last part about teaming up with the boy responsible for her mother's death. I think it would be even better if you could succinctly fit in why a renegade alien is out to control her.
ReplyDeleteGood and succinct. I think it'd be even better with a little more detail (and I like having the MC first in the loglines - makes it easy to tell who I should be rooting for).
ReplyDeleteI'd read more.
I like this but I think it could be better.
ReplyDeleteThe premise is clear but the voice is lacking, give me something that paints a picture, punches it up.
That said, I would read more.
I like this. It's short and to the point. The conflict is clear. I'd definately read more.
ReplyDeleteYou've done a great job at getting almost everything in a short sentence. The only thing that could use more is the consequences. What happens if the alien controls her and why does she want to stop it from happening?
ReplyDeleteGood, but why must she be controlled? What do the aliens want from her? I think that's all that's missing.
ReplyDeleteWith just that last part in the logline I would be interested in this story to see how realistic the characters and the storyline are. If done right, this could make for great conflict.
ReplyDeleteHooked! Give me more!!
ReplyDeleteSeems incomplete. Join forces to do what?
ReplyDeleteI think it's fabulous as-is. I can make assumptions about what's going to happen, and if they're not precisely true, no big deal.
ReplyDeleteI would read this.
Short and sweet and awesome. Would absolutely read this.
ReplyDeleteThis logline is a great start and I love the conflict the heroine has to overcome. You might consider giving a "why" to the first part. Why is the alien wanting to control her? But that is my only suggestion. Good job on this.
ReplyDeleteThanks,everyone! Your comments have been very helpful. I've been working on rewriting it, trying to inject some voice and squeeze in the main consequence (and not have it sound totally cliche and overdone), but I'm not sure it's working. This is what I have so far.
ReplyDeleteEighteen-year-old Olivia Ryan is an alien with superpowers—not that anyone bothers to tell her this before a renegade alien shows up with the intent to use Olivia’s dormant power to wrest control of the universe from its creator. To stop the renegade and protect everyone she loves, she must embrace her abilities and join forces with the boy responsible for her mother’s death.
64 words in this version vs. 25 words in the original
What do you think? This one has more detail, but does that really make it stronger?