TITLE: Voices in the Dark
GENRE: YA Historical
In a last ditch effort to gain his racist father's respect, Hawthorne reluctantly takes part in a murder, only to learn he has killed the wrong person. When the murdered boy's brother comes after him seeking revenge, Hawthorne is faced with either saving himself and the other murderers by killing the brother, too, or turning everyone in to save future lives and his own soul. And then a third alternative presents itself.
I ... am not feeling any sort of sympathy for the mc at all.
ReplyDelete"Oh darn, killed the wrong guy" isn't very sympathetic when killing ANY guy is sort of what the bad guys do, not the good guys. Very dangerous to have an mc whose motivations and actions make him unlikeable.
Additionally, the "And then a third alternative presents itself" is about as vague as you can get. What's the third option? How does it "present itself"?
Having "his own soul" as the stakes seem very odd unless this is Christian fiction or paranormal (two places where souls are frequently at risk)
I think you need to give us a tiny bit more information about the killing to make Hawthorne more sympathetic. I know you aren't working with many words here, but maybe just a word or two about who he thought he was killing or something. And then the end really loses me. I don't think turning everyone in will save his soul. It might save some lives if those people are bent on more killing, but then make that clear, and either leave out the "third alternative" or tell us what that is. But I love YA Historical and I'm interested in the plot. :)
ReplyDeleteI can see where the others are coming from about making the MC more sympathetic, but the mitigating factors you already mentioned were enough to tip the scales in Hawthorne's favor for me.
ReplyDeleteThis definitely sounds intriguing, although I think the last sentence is unnecessary. Also, I'd change "Hawthorne is faced with" to something like "Hawthorne must."
I love the frist sentence, it clearly states the motivation, but I don't know what happens with the father-son relationship after. There's a lot of violence related to the MC that might not make him likeable, but I think you just need to rephrase and add some more emotional detail about him so that we can understand where all this violence comes from.
ReplyDeleteThere is a quandry here but no goal. What is Hawthorne trying to accomplish in this book? This needs to be one tangible thing. "Make a decision" is not a goal--it's a point in the character arc. Tell us what he's trying to do and who is going to stop him (ie, the other killers).
ReplyDeleteThe first line turned me off a little bit. Why is he so intent on gaining his 'racist father's' respect. Enough to kill for him? Hard to root for a MC like this.
ReplyDeleteToo confusing. Plus it's hard to garner enthusiasm for a main character who kills someone so his father will respect him - and goofs up and offs the wrong person. (You may be able to make this work in the book, but not in the logline.)
ReplyDeleteI think this has the making of an interesting story. What I'm wondering (and perhaps it is the goal of your story) is not what choices Hawthorne has, but rather what he thinks of himself for having done this murder? What does he hope to achieve after the murder? Does he still want to gain his dad's respect or is he now after something else?. Does he think he should save himself and if so why?
ReplyDeleteHi, you've got some great comments already, so I'll try not to repeat. I assume, given this is YA Historical, that the novel is related to the KKK? You might want to mention this within the novel, or give a little more context regarding the historical backdrop rather than just "a murder."
ReplyDeleteI found the second sentence
to be too long and quite unwieldy - I had to read it a few times to understand it, and I must admit I still don't quite get the concept behind the book. I'd agree also that the sentence regarding the "third alternative" is very vague as well. If I could suggest, what about combining sentences two and three, and trying to give more specific detail about what his actual choices are, plus the consequences of making the wrong choice.
I was unclear of Hawthorne's goal. If it was to gain his father's respect - didn't he already do that with the first murder?
ReplyDeleteYou've got some very controversial issues here - racism, murder, soul-saving - which makes for a great story, but I have to agree with the others: nothing makes me care about Hawthorne. Even though it appears he's stuck between right and wrong, it's not compelling enough for me to want to read more. My ideas: Beef it up w/ stronger words, nix the "third alternative" line, and give him at least one solid personality trait for voice.
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone for you comments and suggestions. There are great thoughts and ideas here for me to work with and hopefully make this better. Queries, synopses, and log lines have always been a royal pain for me and I appreciate the help.
ReplyDeleteThanks again, and best of luck to everyone at the auction!
You're telling us more of the story than you need to I think. I'd leave out the saving his soul part and definitely the third alternative, and then tighten up the rest.
ReplyDeleteMake your logline a one or two sentence quip about how he's torn between evading being killed and turning himself in.
ReplyDeleteThis is too much and too little at the same time.