TITLE: From The Other Side
GENRE: YA Horror
When misfit Verity is brutally murdered by the boy she loves, she awakens to find herself filled with uncontrollable rages and an unquenchable desire for vengeance. And if she doesn't find a way to harness her hatred and her deadly new powers---soon---she won't be able to stop killing, not even the one person who may save her.
Oooh, I like this.
ReplyDeleteI think the last phrase is a little awkward - I think you're saying that she even the person who may save her is in danger of getting killed by her, but I tripped over it even on re-reading.
Even so, I like this a lot. I get character, inciting incident (and hoo boy! What an incident!) conflicts, goals, and stakes. Love it!
Is there a name for what Verity has turned into? Not clear if she's a poltergeist or a vengeance demon or a vampire. How is it that she has gotten these deadly new powers? (I like the sound of them, though.) I also like the tension of her needing to control her new urges to accept help from someone. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was almost there, but not quite. The ending, as Tami said, is awkward. You say 'she won't be able to stop killing' which implies she has killed already. Has she killed already? Who did she kill? And who is the someone who can save her?
ReplyDeleteBut I thought it was interesting, and I like that it's from the killer's (or potential killer's) POV.
I liked the inciting incident. I would suggest cutting "And..." from the start of the second sentence. You don't need it. For some reason the "rages" as plural bothered me and I wonder if singular "rage" would work. I'm no grammarian though so I could be way way off :)
ReplyDeleteI didn't quite understand why once she got vengence (assuming killing the boy that killed her) she would continue to kill others who didn't do anything to her.
Best of luck!
I have a few issues with this one:
ReplyDelete1) how does one awaken from death? Maybe you need to say she turns into a blah so it's clear what she is
2) You don't need both "uncontrollable rage" and "unquenchable desire for vengeance". Pick one or the other and try to make it simple like, "She wants revenge."
3) What deadly new powers? Maybe this would be clear if you said what she is now.
4) How does someone save her if she is already dead? And how does this relate to her goal (vengeance)? If what she wants is to kill the boy who killed her, the conflict needs to be the thing or person who is going to prevent her from reaching it. Remember, her goal must be TANGIBLE. Vengeance in general is not tangible. Killing a specific person is tangible.
I agree with a lot of what's been said above: What is she now? How did she awaken? What are her powers?
ReplyDeleteYou don't need both "rages" and "vengeance," nor both "hatred" (which is already implied) and "deadly new powers."
The final clause is awkward. Maybe say, "If she doesn't find a way to harness her deadly new powers, she won't be able to stop killing---and she may destroy the one person who can save her."
But that's just a suggestion. :)
I'm very much intrigued by the story itself---I'd keep reading!
this sounds like it could be interested, i'm almost there.
ReplyDeleteif she's dead how is she saved? is it her soul that's saved?
I love that this is YA horror, and perhaps I'm a little biased because that's what I write, but I thought this was pretty good. Not quite there yet, but a good skeleton to build upon. There are several things left out that need to be in this logline; they will serve as part of the hook.
ReplyDelete1) What does Verity become? Defining that will help the reader better understand how she can be saved. Because being saved might mean accepting death or being brought back from the dead. Until you define that, your plot and conflict is a bit hazy.
2)What are her powers? Does she shoot lasers from her eyes? Kill people by thinking about it? Suck blood? That's also part of the hook, and yet you leave them totally undefined. "Deadly new powers" is too vague. No need to hold back.
Also, you can condense some of this. I'd recommend something along the lines of: "When misfit Verity is brutally murdered by the boy she loves, she transforms into a [creature] blessed with the power to [explain deadly powers]. Driven by a thirst for vengeance, she turns into a dangerous killer, but she must find a way to harness her bloodlust before she murders the one person who could bring her back from the dead." (Not sure if this is 100% in line with your plot, but I hope it serves as a good example of how to remove the extra "uncontrollable rages" and "unquenchable desire for vengeance." Too much of that is overkill.)
You've summed it up nicely, but haven't given me a reason to want to read it - she was murdered, she is filled with hatred and rage. Nothing intrigues me or makes me want to read the book or care about Verity - maybe try to stress her inner struggle rather than her rage, desire for vengeance, hatred, deadly new powers, not able to stop killing. (We need to sympathize with her a bit, and just the word "misfit" isn't enough to counteract all the violent terms associated with her.)
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'm scared!This is too heavy for me (admitted wimp). But I do agree you should tell us what she wakes up as, and I hope she gets revenge on the old BF! I'd want to read it except I know it'll give me nightmares. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI think you could cut out a few words here, it's a bit wordy. 'Misfit' for example, mighn't be needed. Also 'brutally' isn't needed - we get that it's brutal from the murder (and besides, the 'boy she loves' provides enough drama).
ReplyDeleteThe middle bit is also weak - you've overloaded on the adjectives, with 'uncontrollable rages' and 'unquenchable desire' and 'deadly new powers'.
But there's definitely something good here. :)
I liked the inciting event. But what does she become? If she has the abilty herself to harness her powers and stop murdering, what is that other person suppossed to save her from?
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked and would definitely continuing reading. I liked Jess's suggestion for tightening up the ending. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI thought this was pretty good. I also like the concept that the main character is the paranormal one, which is less common for the genre. I think you're onto something here.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked, but I'd like to know what she is and what is meant by "save".
ReplyDeleteDoes save mean the one person who can help her rest in peace or bring her back to life or save her soul or learn to control her new powers? Is she a ghost. Or is she a revenging angel? Or a zombie?
A bit of clarification and I think this will be a great logline.
Nice job! I agree with the other comments on tightening, and I'd also like to know what is meant by save--since she's already dead.
ReplyDeleteI'm reminded a lot of "Jennifer's Body" in this logline. She's murdered and wakes up ready to kick some teenage butt. I'm curious what makes this different. Perhaps tightening this up and giving the novel purpose would help.
ReplyDelete