TITLE: BACK TO ME
GENRE: Women's Fiction
Kate Dalton's heart raced as she replayed the voicemail, listening for clues hidden somewhere in the deep, Southern tones of Jake Bailey's voice. She missed most of what he said the first time. She was too busy celebrating that Jake had finally come to his senses and realized he couldn't live without her.
"Hey Kate, it's Jake. There's something I really need to tell you before you hear it from someone else. Give me a call…please." He was almost pleading at the end.
Her heart sank. Jake was getting married, she was sure of it.
How could he be getting married? A year ago, when they rekindled the relationship they'd had in college, she thought they were finally getting their happily ever after. It had only been six months since they'd broken up. How could he have met someone so fast? He was supposed to come back to her, just like he always had.
She quickly ran through the possibilities, but couldn't think of any other reason Jake would need to tell her something before she heard it from someone else. What would their mutual friends from college know that she didn't?
Surely Abby would have mentioned if she knew he was dating someone. Whenever they broke up, which had been more frequent than she would have liked over the years, they joked that they shared custody of Abby. They both knew Abby's true loyalty lie with Kate, however.
I like this. I love the line "He was supposed to come back to her, just like he always had." This could be based upon the life of my sister. :)
ReplyDeleteI would really like to see some action soon though and not have the book stay in Kate's thoughts much longer.
Thanks for your comment! I might have pulled from my own experience a little bit with that line, haha.
ReplyDeleteAnd I promise, the very next line is her calling him back and them having a conversation, so that's it for her internal dialogue!
I think this is very good. My only comment would be the last line feels clunky to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling that this is a little heavy on introspection and background. Try to see which pieces fit well here, and move the rest back a scene or two; get us into the action a little faster. Also, I think it could be clearer that when we hear his voice, it's the second time through.
ReplyDeleteI really want to know what happens next. My gut says OMG no he's marrying Abby. Well done.
ReplyDeleteViolet
I think this is good so far. A hint of intrigue, but not too many questions. I'd worry if the introspection continued past this point, but I'd read on to see what will happen with Jake and Abby.
ReplyDeleteThe internal dialogue is very realistic. If he's marrying Abby, I'll help lynch him.
ReplyDeleteI thought it started out okay, but then it goes into her thinking he's going to get married, and it stays there for four paragraphs. I wanted you to just get on with the story.
ReplyDeletePerhaps get rid of everything after the third parg, and get the story going, then go back to the backstory later? Tell us what she did next, not what she thought.
I like he way it started as well, but when you got to the last paragraph about Abby, I thought I started to lose interest a bit.
ReplyDeleteI think I agree there is a bit too much backstory coming into play before the story gets rocking and rolling on its way.
This reads like a published novel at Harlequin or some other romance publisher. I can't think of any meaningful critique. I find it easy to read, intriguing, if you like romance, and I do.
ReplyDeleteThe only confusion I had came from her heart. She thinks Jake is back at the same time she worries he's getting married. Perhaps a couple extra words here would help. (I know 250 please). Like: She was too busy celebrating the possibility Jake's message was "I've come to my senses ... etc."
"Jake had to be getting married (and not to her) she was sure of it."
Hooked.
I agree with Barbara and Locksley. Lose one of the pargraphs about him getting married and it's good. I'd read on for a bit, but she needs to DO something.
ReplyDeleteI'm bored out of my mind. I'm sorry, but this is all backstory - and cliche backstory at that. We have a million characters introduced and we know nothing about them. Immediately the MC seems desperate and not capable of being in an adult relationship. I'm not rooting for her and I have no idea what this book is going to be about.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked! I think most girls can identify with hoping an ex will come to his senses and want her back! I wanna know what he's calling about!
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. It has back-story but that's okay especially if the next few paragraphs don't have back-story but action and dialogue. I would certainly read on and give the writer the benefit of the doubt.
ReplyDeleteI really really want to know why he is calling - it is a fabulous hook for a reader. PLEASE let us know.
I've read a good bit of this story and it's fantastic. She does a great job of bringing you to and from the current time period, getting in her head, and putting you in the situation. It might be that I can relate to a lot of what is said in the story, but when I read the flashbacks it puts me there. I can see her, I can see Jake, I can see the places.
ReplyDeleteI personally love stories that have parts from someones head, so that could be another reason why I'm hooked, but I promise it gets so good. It hooks you to the point where you want to hear what Jake says to her next and more importantly it keeps you cheering for them. I'm completely invested in these characters.
I liked this. I read the other comments, and I don't have the same problem with the introspection. If I got a call from an ex who I was still in love with, I would have a flurry of these kind of thoughts before I called him back. Hopefully she gets to calling him back in the next paragraph or two though. He can't be calling because he wants her back, then there would be no story. So what is it? I'm going to die if the comments above were on the right track and he's with Abby!
ReplyDeleteSo I think this is a nice beginning and of course the obvious conclusion from his bessage is that he's getting married. But then I think you dwell on it a little too long and it really slows the pace.
ReplyDeleteI think the whole 4th and 5th paragraphs could probably be eliminated without losing anything. And that would give you more room on the first page to bring more action into the scene.
Is it the most original set-up? No. But that's ok. I think it all depends on where you go with it. But watch for places where you're slowing the pace.
Thank you Secret Agent and everyone else for your comments!
ReplyDeleteFor those who were curious, Jake is not marrying Abby. In fact, he's not getting married at all. He's calling to tell her that he has cancer.
The whole chapter is posted on my blog if anyone is interested: http://www.bluejeansandpearls.com/2010/10/16/back-to-me-chapter-1/.
I knew it! I knew he wasn't ringing about getting married that is why I asked. Well done - good twist. I'll read the excerpt.
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