Too vague for me. This, I could see on the cover of a book - far more of a teaser than a log line, and it would be utterly hilarious next to whatever cover art would go along with it.
"The dragon was easy" didn't make me think "defeating the dragon". If you know what I mean.
What are the goals? What is at stake? What's happening here?
Again, it's a GREAT teaser, but it's too vague for me to judge anything about the story except to hope that it's as funny as the teaser indicates it might be.
This was too vague for me. The open book/not knowing how to read thing is funny, but it feels like the set-up to something that we don't get to see. Why is he battling the Queen?
Who is 'he'? I don't find out until the third sentence. Maybe move that up a bit. How old is Segorian and why is it an issue if he doesn't know how to read?
I like your tone and think you should definitely put this in your query, but it's wrong for a logline. You haven't told me what he needs to do, why he needs to do it or what happens if he fails.
I agree with those who've said this reads more like a few lines out of the query than an actual logline. The tone is great, though, which makes me think you can do better.
This doesn't tell me anything. And it's contradictory. If women were an open book to your MC, it wouldn't matter if he knew how to read or not. The fact that he 'can't' read women means they 'aren't' an open book to him.
I agree with both sides here. I am immediately hooked by the funny voice, but it's true it doesn't really tell me anything. However, I would read on to see if it's as good as I hope.
Fan-freaking-tastic. I would read this.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha. Best one I've read so far. I would read this based on the logline in a heartbeat.
ReplyDeleteToo vague for me. This, I could see on the cover of a book - far more of a teaser than a log line, and it would be utterly hilarious next to whatever cover art would go along with it.
ReplyDelete"The dragon was easy" didn't make me think "defeating the dragon". If you know what I mean.
What are the goals? What is at stake? What's happening here?
Again, it's a GREAT teaser, but it's too vague for me to judge anything about the story except to hope that it's as funny as the teaser indicates it might be.
This was too vague for me. The open book/not knowing how to read thing is funny, but it feels like the set-up to something that we don't get to see. Why is he battling the Queen?
ReplyDeleteWho is 'he'? I don't find out until the third sentence. Maybe move that up a bit. How old is Segorian and why is it an issue if he doesn't know how to read?
ReplyDeleteI love the tone.
ReplyDeleteSorry. A bit too tongue-in-cheek for me. It's a one-liner setup joke "women were an open book" that doesn't make me laugh.
ReplyDeleteI like your tone and think you should definitely put this in your query, but it's wrong for a logline. You haven't told me what he needs to do, why he needs to do it or what happens if he fails.
ReplyDeleteI like this - very fun and hooky, but like Holly said above, I'm not sure if this is a true log-line. That being said, I'd definitely read more!
ReplyDeleteI agree with those who've said this reads more like a few lines out of the query than an actual logline. The tone is great, though, which makes me think you can do better.
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't tell me anything. And it's contradictory. If women were an open book to your MC, it wouldn't matter if he knew how to read or not. The fact that he 'can't' read women means they 'aren't' an open book to him.
ReplyDeleteI agree with both sides here. I am immediately hooked by the funny voice, but it's true it doesn't really tell me anything. However, I would read on to see if it's as good as I hope.
ReplyDeleteROFL... I would definitely read this!!
ReplyDeleteI have absolutely no idea what is going on, but I would still want to read this.
ReplyDelete