Julia has a secret: she killed the guy she loved. It was an accident--sort of. In order to save her best friend's life she's going to have to face her past, but her ghosts won't make it easy, especially his.
I'd read more to find out how/why the death was accidental; how Julia's past will help her save her friend's life; and why the same past will make it difficult for her to do so. Nice.
I'm going to assume this is paranormal, even though it's not specified in the genre, because the hookiest thing for me is the hint that his ghost is "making it hard" on her.
How does facing her past help her save her best friend's life? It's so vague, it could be almost anything.
"When her best friend is kidnapped by someone who seems to know about Julia's secret, she's going to have to ..."
"When her best friend winds up in the hospital, showing the exact same symptoms as boy Julia accidentally killed, she's going to have to ..."
There's nothing really connecting the killing with the best friend's life.
Also, "face her past" could be more specific. As it's worded, she could save her best friend's life just by thinking really hard about what she did. What does she have to do? Tell the cops what she did? Go back to the sleepy town she ran away from? Confront the same drug dealers that sold her the bad drugs that she used to kill the guy she loved ...
I like the style on this one - the writer has a wry touch and a good grasp of twist, but I'd like to see the logline shine a bit more.
This log-line certainly piques my interests, but I think it could be much tighter. I agree that it should start with: Julia killed the guy she loved. It is very catchy.
I like what you are trying to say here but I think it needs to be more clear that the past she is facing and the secret are the same thing. I'd also like to see some consequences at the end and I think you need to connect why the guy she loved wants to stop her from saving her best friend.
I like that the YA voice sticks out in this logline, but I worry that it's carrying it. Your voice should enhance the story hook, not serve as one. Right now, we know Julia has a past that will cause her internal conflict. However, we don't know what the main external conflict of the book is because we have no idea how the murder connects to her best friend's life. The reason this is a big problem is because the vagueness here doesn't allow the reader to get a good grasp of what the story is actually about. If the dead boy's parents are in the mafia and blame Julia's bf for the murder, and coming clean is the only way to ensure her best friend won't get whacked, that's a much different story than if, say, Julia's best friend is possessed in the same way the murdered boy was, and this time Julia has to figure out how to exorcise the demon and come to terms with the fact that maybe she didn't need to murder the kid she loved in the first place. So, while I like the voice, and I like the internal conflict you've set up, I think you can push it further and really make it shine.
Is this paranormal? Not quite sure.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the conflict is unclear here. Perhaps a tiny bit more detail?
Finally, the wording here is a bit clunky. "Going to have to," for one thing, makes the reading difficult.
Story sounds interesting, especially a YA with an MC that's a killer, however accidentally.
I would read this. I liked the references to ghosts as well as the "sort of" accidental murder.
ReplyDeleteI'd read more to find out how/why the death was accidental; how Julia's past will help her save her friend's life; and why the same past will make it difficult for her to do so.
ReplyDeleteNice.
I'm going to assume this is paranormal, even though it's not specified in the genre, because the hookiest thing for me is the hint that his ghost is "making it hard" on her.
ReplyDeleteHow does facing her past help her save her best friend's life? It's so vague, it could be almost anything.
"When her best friend is kidnapped by someone who seems to know about Julia's secret, she's going to have to ..."
"When her best friend winds up in the hospital, showing the exact same symptoms as boy Julia accidentally killed, she's going to have to ..."
There's nothing really connecting the killing with the best friend's life.
Also, "face her past" could be more specific. As it's worded, she could save her best friend's life just by thinking really hard about what she did. What does she have to do? Tell the cops what she did? Go back to the sleepy town she ran away from? Confront the same drug dealers that sold her the bad drugs that she used to kill the guy she loved ...
I like the style on this one - the writer has a wry touch and a good grasp of twist, but I'd like to see the logline shine a bit more.
Cool premise, but I would leave out the first phrase. Start with "Julia killed the guy she loved. It was an accident..." That grabs me!
ReplyDeleteI also want more detail--how is it connected to her best friend, how are things becoming difficult? What are the stakes?
I'm commenting on the log lines that make me want to read a bit more.. this one does!
ReplyDeleteNice.
This log-line certainly piques my interests, but I think it could be much tighter. I agree that it should start with: Julia killed the guy she loved. It is very catchy.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others - could be tighter, but certainly piques my interest.
ReplyDeleteI like what you are trying to say here but I think it needs to be more clear that the past she is facing and the secret are the same thing. I'd also like to see some consequences at the end and I think you need to connect why the guy she loved wants to stop her from saving her best friend.
ReplyDeleteI'd read this. I like the 2nd sentence, it pulls me in. I wanna know why it was sort of an accident. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI like this. Enough of an intrigue to keep me reading. I think there's a bit of voice too.
ReplyDeleteI like that the YA voice sticks out in this logline, but I worry that it's carrying it. Your voice should enhance the story hook, not serve as one. Right now, we know Julia has a past that will cause her internal conflict. However, we don't know what the main external conflict of the book is because we have no idea how the murder connects to her best friend's life. The reason this is a big problem is because the vagueness here doesn't allow the reader to get a good grasp of what the story is actually about. If the dead boy's parents are in the mafia and blame Julia's bf for the murder, and coming clean is the only way to ensure her best friend won't get whacked, that's a much different story than if, say, Julia's best friend is possessed in the same way the murdered boy was, and this time Julia has to figure out how to exorcise the demon and come to terms with the fact that maybe she didn't need to murder the kid she loved in the first place. So, while I like the voice, and I like the internal conflict you've set up, I think you can push it further and really make it shine.
ReplyDelete