Not even being the Police Chief's daughter will keep Kimberly out of handcuffs and not the fuzzy kind, if she interferes in the hot homicide detective's murder case again.
Even though it doesn't tell us much, I still like this one. Maybe reordering the words would give it a little something extra...
If she interferes in the hot homicide detective's murder case again, not even being the Police Chief's daughter will keep Kimberly out of handcuffs--and not the fuzzy kind.
Why is she interfering? What are the stakes if she fails? What's her goal?
This reads more like a teaser on the front of a book jacket than a logline. I think the humor in it would make it a very appealing book jacket teaser (and anyone who got the "fuzzy handcuffs" joke would definitely know what kind of read they were in for) but I think it's missing some critical info for a logline.
It gives me just enough back story to tantalize my senses without slapping me with unneeded details.
The daughter has an important father, is a trouble-maker, (fuzzy cuffs...lol), and is interested in solving a murder. Then throw in the love interest. Yep...darn good. I wouldn't change a thing.
I love it! I assume this isn't YA. So, she's the police chief's daughter, but a grown up, right? This is definitely the kind of book I'd pick up in a book store when I want a fun mystery. :)
I like this, but it's missing conflict. Yeah, she could end up in the wrong kind of handcuffs, but what is her goal? What does she want? What is standing in her way? I get a great sense of the character, but not what she's up against, or why.
This is intriguing but I had to read the start a couple times because I stumbled on wording. Maybe "Being the Police Chief's daughter won't keep Kimberly..."
The fuzzy handcuffs gave a good glimpse of voice and character.
With the mention of handcuffs and a "hot" love interest, I thought this would be a romance, but you have listed mystery as the genre. I'm not saying lose what you have, but I'd reword it and add another sentence (you have room...100 word limit) regarding the mystery element.
How about: Being the Police Chief's daughter won't keep Kimberly out of handcuffs -- and not the fuzzy kind -- if she interferes one more time in the hot homicide detective's murder case. But "Mary" can't sit by while her best friend's murder goes unsolved.
So that 2nd sentence is totally made up since I don't know your plot, but I hope you see what I was trying to do there...
You get the voice across well here, but I want to know why she keeps interferring. Why is this particular homicide important to her? Is it just an excuse to be around the hot guy, or is it something more? We need her motivation, I think.
A few things: 1) There is no goal here. Does she want to interfere in the hot homicide detective's murder case? If so, why? If not, what does she want to do? 2) There is no conflict here. It's almost implied that someone will put her in handcuffs if she interferes but that is more of a consequence than a conflict. Who is going to stop her from reaching her goal in #1? Her father? The detective?
In one sentence, you've managed to get across your writing style, Kimberly's personality, that her dad is the police chief, and that there's a hot detective involved and a murder case. Well done.
I have to agree with Tami that this reads more like a teaser to me than a logline. Why is she interfering? It sounds to me as if she's more likely to cause problems with the case than to solve it herself.
"Not" is used twice here; I wonder if you could re-word this to get rid of one or both of them.
Interfering in the hot homicide detective's case wihtout good reason -- aka evidence -- seems quite rude and bad judgement, showing a lack of respect for law enforcement that I wouldn't expect from a daughter of the CoP. It makes her seem small and petty. Why is she interfering? Does she have good reason other than the hots for the hunky detective? If not, I don't see that I would much like her as a MC. If she has good reason, maybe bring that up so that we don't think she's a ditz.
Good hook. The only thing you might add is her age. When I first read this, when I saw "daughter", I thought it was YA, but then the fuzzy handcuffs threw me.
I can't get any indication of Kimberly's age from this,except that fuzzy handcuffs are more of an adult thing...I'm guessing/ hoping this might be YA or older. And while I get the fact that she thinks one of her dad's detectives is hot, this just doesn't leap out and entice me to keep reading. WE need to know why she's interfering with the case, or at least a hint of that. Good luck!
Gad, some people analyze things to death. Either it grabs you or it doesn't. (And it's labeled Mystery, so you know it's not YA.) Sure, this could be tinkered with, but it comes closer than almost any logline submitted in this round to hitting the mark.
Sara is completely right. I'm left with the impression that this is going to be a fun "cozy mystery" and I'm intrigued. Yeah... of course there are some details you left out... but the most important thing is that I say... "Oh yeah... okay show me the writing."
Even though it doesn't tell us much, I still like this one. Maybe reordering the words would give it a little something extra...
ReplyDeleteIf she interferes in the hot homicide detective's murder case again, not even being the Police Chief's daughter will keep Kimberly out of handcuffs--and not the fuzzy kind.
you lost me in giggles with "and not the furry kind", a reference probably lost in your target audience.
ReplyDeleteWhat's the plot?
ReplyDeleteWhy is she interfering? What are the stakes if she fails? What's her goal?
This reads more like a teaser on the front of a book jacket than a logline. I think the humor in it would make it a very appealing book jacket teaser (and anyone who got the "fuzzy handcuffs" joke would definitely know what kind of read they were in for) but I think it's missing some critical info for a logline.
I like this and would read more.
ReplyDeleteIt gives me just enough back story to tantalize my senses without slapping me with unneeded details.
The daughter has an important father, is a trouble-maker, (fuzzy cuffs...lol), and is interested in solving a murder. Then throw in the love interest.
Yep...darn good. I wouldn't change a thing.
I love it! I assume this isn't YA. So, she's the police chief's daughter, but a grown up, right? This is definitely the kind of book I'd pick up in a book store when I want a fun mystery. :)
ReplyDeleteI like this, but it's missing conflict. Yeah, she could end up in the wrong kind of handcuffs, but what is her goal? What does she want? What is standing in her way? I get a great sense of the character, but not what she's up against, or why.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
This is intriguing but I had to read the start a couple times because I stumbled on wording. Maybe "Being the Police Chief's daughter won't keep Kimberly..."
ReplyDeleteThe fuzzy handcuffs gave a good glimpse of voice and character.
With the mention of handcuffs and a "hot" love interest, I thought this would be a romance, but you have listed mystery as the genre. I'm not saying lose what you have, but I'd reword it and add another sentence (you have room...100 word limit) regarding the mystery element.
ReplyDeleteHow about:
Being the Police Chief's daughter won't keep Kimberly out of handcuffs -- and not the fuzzy kind -- if she interferes one more time in the hot homicide detective's murder case. But "Mary" can't sit by while her best friend's murder goes unsolved.
So that 2nd sentence is totally made up since I don't know your plot, but I hope you see what I was trying to do there...
Best of luck!
You get the voice across well here, but I want to know why she keeps interferring. Why is this particular homicide important to her? Is it just an excuse to be around the hot guy, or is it something more? We need her motivation, I think.
ReplyDeleteA few things:
ReplyDelete1) There is no goal here. Does she want to interfere in the hot homicide detective's murder case? If so, why? If not, what does she want to do?
2) There is no conflict here. It's almost implied that someone will put her in handcuffs if she interferes but that is more of a consequence than a conflict. Who is going to stop her from reaching her goal in #1? Her father? The detective?
In one sentence, you've managed to get across your writing style, Kimberly's personality, that her dad is the police chief, and that there's a hot detective involved and a murder case. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Tami that this reads more like a teaser to me than a logline. Why is she interfering? It sounds to me as if she's more likely to cause problems with the case than to solve it herself.
ReplyDelete"Not" is used twice here; I wonder if you could re-word this to get rid of one or both of them.
Hope this helps.
Lost me at 'and not the fuzzy kind'. The writing went down hill from there. Needs some rewiring.
ReplyDeleteThe handcuff part made me laugh and gave me a great sense of character and voice.
ReplyDeleteBut I didn't get a sense of what makes this a mystery. What sort of murder does this center on--since mysteries center on action not just romance?
Interfering in the hot homicide detective's case wihtout good reason -- aka evidence -- seems quite rude and bad judgement, showing a lack of respect for law enforcement that I wouldn't expect from a daughter of the CoP. It makes her seem small and petty. Why is she interfering? Does she have good reason other than the hots for the hunky detective? If not, I don't see that I would much like her as a MC. If she has good reason, maybe bring that up so that we don't think she's a ditz.
ReplyDeleteFunny! Love it! Wouldn't mind a bit of clarification on why she's interfering with the hot detective's case, but I'm still hooked.
ReplyDeletePS~May want to double check to make sure the title's not been used- it sounds familiar, but I could be wrong (and not for the first time).
Good hook. The only thing you might add is her age. When I first read this, when I saw "daughter", I thought it was YA, but then the fuzzy handcuffs threw me.
ReplyDeleteI like the story, but I think we need a little more as to why she feels like she needs to interfere.
ReplyDeleteI can't get any indication of Kimberly's age from this,except that fuzzy handcuffs are more of an adult thing...I'm guessing/ hoping this might be YA or older. And while I get the fact that she thinks one of her dad's detectives is hot, this just doesn't leap out and entice me to keep reading. WE need to know why she's interfering with the case, or at least a hint of that. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGad, some people analyze things to death. Either it grabs you or it doesn't. (And it's labeled Mystery, so you know it's not YA.) Sure, this could be tinkered with, but it comes closer than almost any logline submitted in this round to hitting the mark.
ReplyDeleteSara is completely right. I'm left with the impression that this is going to be a fun "cozy mystery" and I'm intrigued. Yeah... of course there are some details you left out... but the most important thing is that I say... "Oh yeah... okay show me the writing."
ReplyDelete