TITLE: Nothing Left to Lose But Me
GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance
It was time to get crazy. Let loose. Go wild.
Like the time I kissed Matt "Cold Sore" Cooper on a dare in sixth grade. Or when I guzzled three glasses of table wine at my cousin Tracy's wedding and kept heckling the band to play the Chicken Dance song.
Okay, no. Maybe not like that.
More like Girls Gone Wild. Except I'd never be stupid enough to flash my boobage. I do have some self respect (not to mention barely a B cup). Either way, I was due for a bender of parties and guys to make up for everything I missed. My inner bad girl was thirsty for red plastic cups filled from the keg of immaturity.
This was the plan. I should have known the Powers That Be weren't going to make it easy for me. We never did agree on what was best for me. I had no idea that being a free spirit was going to be so stressful.
Maybe you have to be wired to be a girl-gone-wild. Was I wired that way? I didn't know. My wires were tangled up worse than the Christmas lights in our garage. A wad of knots inside a good girl who spent the last year caring for her dying father. How would I know I wasn't wired for players and parties? Although the fact that I love the Disney channel and wouldn't wear a thong if Robert Pattinson begged me to might have been a billboard clue.
I <3 her voice. I'd definitely keep reading here. Though it could use a little more action and a little less exposition, I'm hooked. The title alone got me :)
ReplyDeleteGood job!
I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice and the phrase: "red plastic cups filled from the keg of immaturity."
And "Boobage"? Hehe... that's funny.
Great voice. I was eating it up until the last paragraph. The sentence that begins "How would I know I wasn't wired..." seemed strange. I took it as if she already knew this. Maybe "How would I know if I was wired..." Or maybe it's just me.
ReplyDeleteRegardless - I'm hooked.
I loved the voice and language, the way you used words. And, I too, loved 'boobage' and 'keg of immaturity.'
ReplyDeleteI did think it went on too long though. I was ready for the story after the keg of immaturity, and instead got more explanation. I groaned, but read on. By the last paragraph, I was bored. It's great writing, but it wouldn't have held me. I'd have given up on this. Perhaps get that info in somewhere else?
And you may want to look at the logic of the fourth paragraph. It was time to get crazy like girls gone wild, except she wasn't about to do anything that girls gone wild do, so it seems kind of contradictory to me, and I didn't see what she does plan to do as being any more risky or daring than kissing cold sore cooper or getting drunk at a wedding. I actually thought they were better examples than the girl gone wild thing, since she has no real intention of doing the girl gone wild thing.
It really is good. It drew me in right away, but I think those last two paragraphs aren't helping it.
I loved the voice too. I could picture any of the teenagers I interact with daily using these words and expressions.
ReplyDeleteThe only part that drew me out of the story was "The Powers That Be". Everything else sounds like a teenager, but that phrase confused me. Does she mean her parents? or just the universe in general? or, since it is paranormal, some other power?
Hook, line and sinker. Read easily and was true to a "good-girl kinda wanting to go bad".
ReplyDeleteNot sure how you got into my head, but am anxious to see how my life turns out.
OMG -- reading this was like taking a class in "how to get your voice on." I would read three hundred pages of this voice!!
ReplyDeleteI stopped reading at the word "boobage". This is all narrative and no action.
ReplyDeleteThe voice is good (loved "red plastic cups filled from the keg of immaturity"), but I wish I had a better handle on her age. The mention of kegs make me think she's college age, but the fact she still thinks a sixth grade kissing dare is wild makes me think much younger. I get that she feels she's socially behind her peers, but I'm just not sure who those peers are.
ReplyDeleteCould stand to trim a bit from the last two paragraphs. You say so much more above, in spare, sassy way. I'd probably be reading on for the voice, but would hope to see what stage in life the narrator is pretty soon.
How can someone say "boobage" is all narrative and no action? Perhaps never saw GGW.
ReplyDeleteThis is excellent, until the end (clumsy). I'm guessing you were trying to squeeze it to the 250 limit.
Very nicely done!
So many great comments above.
ReplyDeleteI see a Ms. Jerkyl/Hide inner struggle. Should I be good, should I be bad. That's a very nice twist. I liked the flow. Play the chicken dance was cool too. You have a very creative spirit.
The last sentence had three main thoughts...time for three sentences (when nobody is looking).
Hooked.
I agree with everyone, the voice was very enticing to me. But I do agree that it does seem to go onto the explaining random things a lot. Although it helps us get to know her voice, it doesn't really help with the action.
ReplyDeleteI do love all the details into her life that you put in the last paragraph, but I think it would have been better if you started the story and just added those little details about her along the way. I'd keep reading though :)
I'm glad to know that this is paranormal. Otherwise, the first 250 words read to me like the Gossip Girl-type books we've seen way too many of. Also, the references to GGW and Robert Pattinson could easily date this book. I'd read on though, to find out about the Powers That Be and her relationship to them.
ReplyDeleteI thought this voice was great. Very distinct and consistent throughout. I do think you need to e careful not to linger too long on explanations and move on once you;'ve made your point. But I really thought it was super cute.
ReplyDeleteI think the story shows a lot of promise. I don't really know what's going to happen but I'm definitely interested in finding out.
I seem to be the only person grossed out by the cold sore kiss. Somehow I think that could e changed to something more like a "cooties" boy, even if it needs to be earlier than 6th grade.
BNut I liked this.