TITLE: Small Universe
GENRE: Upper middle grade
Jeremy is delighted to discover the passenger plane he is flying is in fact a cleverly disguised spaceship, until alien pirates nab a group of the passengers, including Jeremy's parents. Jeremy must now fly across the universe to rescue the passengers from scientists, zoos, and haute cuisine.
Hooked! This one sounds like a fun, rousing adventure, although I'm a little curious as to why an MG kid is flying a plane, I'm willing to let the author 'splain it to me through the story.
ReplyDeleteThis is great, but it's missing the, "If he doesn't, then everyone will die" at the end (or whatever the consequences will be if he fails).
ReplyDeleteThe book certainly sounds fun, but this entire premise is confusing to me. It makes me ask questions, and not good ones, about your MS. Why would his plane really be a spaceship? If he didn't discover it, would it still land at his destination? How cleverly was it really disguised if a MG-age kid figured it out? These kinds of questions aren't the "I want to know more" questions. They're the "is this a viable premise" questions. Show us a bit to let us know you've really got it all figured out and handled, without giving too much backstory.
ReplyDeleteLove it as-is. Especially the "haute cuisine" (which shows the stakes...his parents get eaten which implies they die.)
ReplyDeleteI really like it. I can suspend my disbelief due to the genre. My only question is whether or not middle grade would get "haute cuisine", and since that's one of the stakes, you might need to change the wording of that one for your audience. Perhaps the parents are in danger of becoming a fancy desert or name a specific dish. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'd break up that first sentence with a period after spaceship. Then start the second sentence with, "That is until . . ." to enhance the emphasis on what goes wrong.
ReplyDeleteI also did not get the haute cuisine line (and I have degrees!), so you might make that clearer. Maybe rescue them "from becoming" haute cuisine might do the trick.
Otherwise, book sounds kinda fun.
I liked it, but perhaps a bit more on what Jeremy has to do. Right now he's just flying across the universe, maybe a line that says he must battle, or outwit, the (description of aliens). Get a little more excitement in.
ReplyDeleteTotally hooked! This one sounds like a lot of fun.
ReplyDeleteYou guys are all fantastic, thanks so much for all the comments so far. I am currently typing with my right hand and hitting myself in the head with a coffee cup with the other.
ReplyDeleteIn my rush to submit (omg omg only 25 spots rush rush rush), I only read through the line 20 times, and I left out a word.
It should read: Jeremy is delighted to discover the passenger plane he is flying IN is in fact a cleverly disguised spaceship . .
Everybody has been hugely helpful. Will sit down and revise again later.
Hugs to all.
You guys are all fantastic, thanks so much for all the comments so far. I am currently typing with my right hand and hitting myself in the head with a coffee cup with the other.
ReplyDeleteIn my rush to submit (omg omg only 25 spots rush rush rush), I only read through the line 20 times, and I left out a word.
It should read: Jeremy is delighted to discover the passenger plane he is flying IN is in fact a cleverly disguised spaceship . .
Everybody has been hugely helpful. Will sit down and revise again later.
Hugs to all.
postscript
ReplyDeleteSKD - thanks heaps for your helpful comments. As I try to revise though, I'm wondering how much more I could include without the logline becoming a cover blurb instead. The questions you ask are all ones that I enjoy explaining in the book, and I didn't think the answers belong in a 100 word logline.
Do you think a logline also needs to prove to a reader that the writer has the plot under control?
SS, I think you can't possibly answer all those questions in a logline. Now that we know Jeremy is flying IN the plane, that resolves the main "wha?" question I had. (The other was "haute cuisine" -- I can't imagine kids getting that, but others have offered helpful suggestions along those lines.) Sounds like a fun book!
ReplyDeleteI love this one. I would read it. It sounds fun and funny!
ReplyDeleteI will vote again to NOT drop the "haute cuisine." Though I think you left out the word become before haute cuisine). I thought it was clever.
ReplyDeleteYou've already established a strong voice in this log line that makes it clear you are writing to a young audience, and so if you throw in a word they would not know, like haute cuisine, wouldn't this encourage them to look it up, learn it, and use it themselves? Isn't that the point of reading? Isn't every word new at one point until we come across it the first time?