TITLE: What Would Satan Do
There are days when it is appropriate to stomp the hell out of a frog, and days when it is just better not to. The trick is to know which is which.
Satan shot an evil look at the creature on the sidewalk. F*** frogs, he thought, using the new vernacular he hadn't quite got the hang of yet. F*** them to f***ing h*ll.
He had on his favorite Italian shoes - made out of baby cats or something really nice he couldn't remember - and they were no good for stomping much of anything, let alone juicy amphibians. But the little bastards were everywhere, just begging to be obliterated and, in the case of a few particularly cheeky ones, having their innards ground into the pavement.
The frog croaked and Satan snapped - Italian shoes be damned, this frog was going to die. He raised his leg high, preparing to stomp down. But then the clock tower tolled, and he realized he was late for class. When he looked back, the frog had hopped away, thereby narrowly escaping stompy, cat-shoe death.
He heaved a weary sigh. His shoulders slumped. After a few strange looks from passersby, he also put his foot down and stalked off to class.
The day had started so well. He wasn't sure why - yesterday's therapy session had, after all, been a complete waste of time. The woman hadn't told him anything helpful. She'd been too busy screaming after he had set her on fire.
I'm laughing at the last line. Yes, I'd keep reading. I want to know where you are going with this. I got a little tired of the frog though - not sure why the little green creature was important enough for three paragraphs?ReplyDelete
Very funny! I'd worry this tone would get hard to keep up or tiresome for a whole book, but I'd definitely give it a go.ReplyDelete
I loved this - and I'm afraid I don't have much helpful to add. The tone was funny, the references to foul language, Italian shoes, and the therapist were made off-the-cuff making them work well, and I'm intrigued to know what comes next. Hooked for sure ^_^ReplyDelete
You're very brave. Not just anyone can pull off frog stomping in an opening scene. My guess is that Satan is in high school. Talk about hell! Dante missed a whole level of torture in the Inferno.ReplyDelete
The tone is rather caustic and might get tiresome if something soft doesn't happen fairly quickly.
I've found with humor writing people either love it or hate it. There's no middle ground. So, I wish you lots of luck.
Loved your first line! Loved Satan trying out the "vernacular". Loved his shoes made out of baby cats. This promises to be fun. Definitely hooked!ReplyDelete
You had me laughing at the title!ReplyDelete
I loved the frog stomping scene, and even setting the therapist on fire, but I did expect you to get on with the story once he headed to class, and then you went on to the therapist bit. (Which doesn't relate to the day starting well. It's about yesterday)
I'd read more because it's funny and I'd like to see where you take it, but I'd read with reservations. Is there a story here and how long will it take you to get to it? Because as funny as it is, the story isn't evident (to me) in these first 250 words.
Why you **** ****** frog **** ******* kittens **** ***.ReplyDelete
And another thing, I really have to get out more, and read stuff like this. I'm hooked for two-hundred pages of torture, you *** *****.
Hooked. A little too much frog, but still hooked.ReplyDelete
I thought I should try to leave a serious comment. It's just hard to access.ReplyDelete
Consider kicking hell into a frog. It avoids the cliche and the frog would certainly be receiving hell.
I think you can sustain this boys attitude. Even when he changes, he'll no doubt have unique satirical ways of looking at things.
I'd drop 'also' to read he put his foot down.
I'm sold! Great!ReplyDelete
I liked the therapist bit the most. I think I would have enjoyed this more if I knew early that Satan was still young. How old?ReplyDelete
The transition between 2nd to 3rd para was rough, I think.
I would read more. Definitely.
I was intrigued from the first line. I would definitely read more. I love the tone/humor. I think the part I enjoy the most is the description of the loafers. It is not a cliche description and thus sticks out to me. Very creative. I enjoy the irony that an all powerful Evil is bothered by frogs and therapists. I agree that the word "also" could be removed to make the one line flow more smoothly. All in all this is an outstanding 250 words!ReplyDelete
Thanks for the compliments and sage advice.ReplyDelete
I'd read on. This was funny and engaging as far as I am concerned. Good luck!ReplyDelete
I really love this, but I'm a total sucker for funny. I particularly liked the part about him using the vernacular he hadn't quite gotten the hang of. That made me laugh.ReplyDelete
I think you've nailed this voice in page 1--the question is can you sustain it for a full manuscript and tell a story. I don't know.
Another issue is that funny anything is a tough sell. I don't know why and it kills me because readers say they like it, but for some reason editors are always put off by it.
So I think this is a tough road to follow, but you write what you write and as I said, I think this is great. I'm definitely hooked here. Nice job.