TITLE: Crossing Dark Water
GENRE: YA paranormal thriller
When a Jeep loving girl who's hooked on off-roading sets out to free her sister from a mountaintop mental hospital, she collides with a secret cartel that deals in magic--and must risk her own sanity to save her sister's.
Hooked! Oh fun, I like where this is headed.
ReplyDeleteAwesome. To the point, interesting protag (off-roading chick - I love it!) and conflict. Good job.
ReplyDeleteNice logline. Maybe hyphenate Jeep-loving. I love how she must risk her own sanity to save her sister. Nice stakes!
ReplyDeleteRock-solid! If you need it shorter for anything, you could cut the 'Jeep-loving', since the 'hooked on off-roading' gives her a pretty strong character hook on its own.
ReplyDelete- Lianne
This one was easy. It's great as is. Says it all clearly and succinctly and sounds as thrilling as you say it is!
ReplyDeleteI hate jumping on the bandwagon, but this one is great. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteWanted to add that I love the title. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHooked. Great job!
ReplyDeleteAgree that you don't need both "Jeep-loving" and "hooked on off-roading". The only thing I would do would be to choose more specific wording about the conflict. "Collides" is kind of vague. Do they try to kill her? Turn her into a donkey? I guess what I'm saying is that it is not completely evident how/why/if this cartel is going to stop her.
ReplyDeleteGreat logline.
ReplyDeleteI really like this one. There's a clear goal, motivation, and conflict. I think you could push this even further by getting rid of either "Jeep-loving" or "hooked on off-roading," since they say the same thing. Also, the one thing that is missing is why her sister needs rescuing from a mountaintop mental hospital. If her sister checked in voluntarily, the rescue doesn't seem real. But if she was forced there...I'm guessing that would play into the cartel and deepen the plot. I'd really put that in there, because "rescue from a mental hospital" isn't something that's typically done. As a reader, I want to know why, so I know there isn't a plot hole there. Also, by telling us that "why," you set up the run-in with the magic cartel better. Suddenly, it becomes less coincidental (she just *poof* collides with them) and more purposeful (they are involved in the mental hospital or something). If you explain the mental hospital rescue in your logline, I think you'll really nail it.
ReplyDeleteGreat job on this one, but I'd be a little more specific about "collides". You've done a lot of set up about the jeep, so it sounds like she got into a car accident with them. Or maybe they have. ;)
ReplyDeleteAs for jeep-loving and off-roading. They aren't exactly the same thing. Off-roading could be with motorcyles, so I think both are fine if you want them to include them.
I have some questions:
ReplyDeleteWhat kind of cartel? A drug cartel? Some other kind?
Why does her sister have to be set free? If she needs treatment, why save her?
What does driving a Jeep have to do with saving her sister?
What kind of magic?
Why does she have to risk her sanity? Is sanity that easily lost? Is her sister sane? If yes, then why is she in a mental hospital? Maybe clarify she was signed into a mental hospital by her father (mother, grandmother?)so they would get the family money (home, business, something else?).
I really like this one. It's clean, precise and to the point. I would definitely be interested in reading more.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't cut "Jeep loving girl" or "off-roading" as it gives a sense of character.
Nice! And I agree with leaving both jeep-loving and off-roading in, 'cause I know way too many Jeepers and they're a breed of their own. Some Jeepers don't off-road and not all off-roaders drive Jeeps. I'm happy and hooked with this one as is.
ReplyDeleteI want a Jeep!
Good job! I wouldn't change anything except to add a hyphen in Jeep-loving. And I like "collides" and don't think you need any more detail there.
ReplyDelete