When her twin sister commits suicide, eighteen-year-old Camilla rewinds time to stop her, but in doing so she must confront her own brokenness and how her actions contributed to her sister's death.
this one was concise but still gave me a good feeling of the story, what was at stake. i would change the brokeness as others have mentioned, as it tripped me up, too.
A few things: 1) "in doing so" should be "when she does" 2) brokenness? Be more specific. Her wounds from the past? Her fear of green vegetables? 3) What is the conflict here? Who/what is going to stop her from stopping her sister's suicide? 4) What actions? Again, be specific. Did she betray her sister somehow? Kiss her boyfriend? Steal her lipstick?
This is about some great emotions. Is there something that will prevent her from going back in time? Maybe it's an interior enemy, maybe it's her own fear of confronting emotions.It would be nice to know. The stakes are clear, if she can't change things, her sister will die again.
I'm torn about this one. It seems upfront, but knowing what I do about suicide, I'm not sure...
For example, the only person responsible for committing suicide is the one doing it, so there's no way to stop her sister unless Camilla's a psychotherapist...Unless you're going for the "my sister gave a cry for help and I ignored it" premise.
I agree with those who say get rid of the brokenness...makes her sound like a clock. Do you mean dysfunction or inability to connect with others? Something else?
Great logline, I just can't personally deal with kids killing themselves in books (and real life).I hope you treat the subject with respect and teach your readers there are so many other ways to handle what may seem like a huge problem now but by next week will be nothing. I have a feeling you will do this well, but wow, heavy.
I'm hooked and would definitely want to read more. I like how clean and precise this is. Sure I have questions, but that's what a log line is supposed to do! It leaves me wanting more.
Suicide is such a touchy subject right now, but I'm hoping this has a happy ending and some sort of hope for those who consider suicide. It has everything to draw the reader in and make you care, especially with the twin thing, as twins are uniquely connected to each other in many ways. Agree that "brokenness should be changed to better convey your MC's faults or the challenge, and keep the somber tone, which I'm guessing is the main conflict?
Great job. Love the idea of rewinding time. And agree with the others on changing 'brokenness' if you can do it in a concise way. If not, I think 'brokenness' gets the basic idea across. You might want to consider punching up the stakes more by breaking this into two sentences and saying, "But if she doesn't confront ... her sister will die again."
I like it. I'd fiercely hope this is handled respectfully (suicide is a tricky topic), but yeah, I'm hooked. :)
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot. It's so concise! Not crazy about "brokenness" though.
ReplyDeleteI like it. You don't leave me confused or with questions of any kind. I know what I'm getting. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteThis is great. I can see the story, the character, and what's at stake. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a great read. I love how straightforward the idea is and the magical elements.
ReplyDeleteThis works! Sounds like something I would read. I would consider changing the brokenness. I stumbled over it too.
ReplyDeletethis one was concise but still gave me a good feeling of the story, what was at stake.
ReplyDeletei would change the brokeness as others have mentioned, as it tripped me up, too.
A few things:
ReplyDelete1) "in doing so" should be "when she does"
2) brokenness? Be more specific. Her wounds from the past? Her fear of green vegetables?
3) What is the conflict here? Who/what is going to stop her from stopping her sister's suicide?
4) What actions? Again, be specific. Did she betray her sister somehow? Kiss her boyfriend? Steal her lipstick?
This is about some great emotions. Is there something that will prevent her from going back in time? Maybe it's an interior enemy, maybe it's her own fear of confronting emotions.It would be nice to know. The stakes are clear, if she can't change things, her sister will die again.
ReplyDeleteI'm torn about this one. It seems upfront, but knowing what I do about suicide, I'm not sure...
ReplyDeleteFor example, the only person responsible for committing suicide is the one doing it, so there's no way to stop her sister unless Camilla's a psychotherapist...Unless you're going for the "my sister gave a cry for help and I ignored it" premise.
I agree with those who say get rid of the brokenness...makes her sound like a clock. Do you mean dysfunction or inability to connect with others? Something else?
Great idea, just needs some tweaking.
Hmmm ... I like this. A lot.
ReplyDeleteGreat logline, I just can't personally deal with kids killing themselves in books (and real life).I hope you treat the subject with respect and teach your readers there are so many other ways to handle what may seem like a huge problem now but by next week will be nothing. I have a feeling you will do this well, but wow, heavy.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked and would definitely want to read more. I like how clean and precise this is. Sure I have questions, but that's what a log line is supposed to do! It leaves me wanting more.
ReplyDeleteI liked this and right away felt sympathy for the MC. I would probably pick the book up based on the logline just to see how it opens and reads.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, great! I get a real sense of the plot and its dark tones. Heavy stuff.
ReplyDeleteSuicide is such a touchy subject right now, but I'm hoping this has a happy ending and some sort of hope for those who consider suicide. It has everything to draw the reader in and make you care, especially with the twin thing, as twins are uniquely connected to each other in many ways. Agree that "brokenness should be changed to better convey your MC's faults or the challenge, and keep the somber tone, which I'm guessing is the main conflict?
ReplyDeleteGreat job. Love the idea of rewinding time. And agree with the others on changing 'brokenness' if you can do it in a concise way. If not, I think 'brokenness' gets the basic idea across. You might want to consider punching up the stakes more by breaking this into two sentences and saying, "But if she doesn't confront ... her sister will die again."
ReplyDelete