TITLE: The Totally True Tales of Tansy Berry, Tooth Ferry
GENRE: MG Fantasy
Out of work tooth ferry Tansy Berry must enlist the help of Dr. Chip, a crazy elf dentist with an obsession with the mythical Sweet Tooth, to help her battle her ex-boyfriend, the cool but fickle Jack Frost, and Chief Extraction Officer Ruth Canal in order to save not only her job, but the teeth of all the children in the world.
not sure why you've chosen to misspell fairy.
ReplyDeleteShe's not an actual fairy. They ferry, or carry, the teeth from one place to another. It's explained on the first page of the manuscript, as well as in my query letter, so I'm hoping that's enough to convince prospective agents that it isn't a spelling issue ;)
ReplyDeleteI thought of the spelling thing, too, but hoped it was intentional. No other signs of spelling errors or terrible grammar.
ReplyDeleteHowever, HOLY TOLEDO, that's one heck of a sentence. I feel out of breath just reading it mentally.
If I pick it apart slowly, I see enough things to make me intrigued and want to know more, but having to slow down THAT much makes me worry that the ms might be written the same way.
Hooked, a little. I know how hard it is to write these log lines!
Oh! Also! That's a LOT of characters introduced in a log line. Tansy, Dr. Chip, Jack Frost, Ruth Canal ...
ReplyDelete...maybe a good idea to intro fewer characters by name (or at all) in a log line.
Agreed. This isn't a query (not that you should name that many people in a query either). It's a pitch, which should be focused on the distilled plot. Just name the MC.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really cool concept, but, other than the overwriting issue Tami mentioned, I'm also not seeing the threat. I see consequences, but not the conflict. What is it her ex and the CEO are doing?
Okay, first comment is get rid of the names of all characters except the main one. The query can have these details but they are too confusing for the logline.
ReplyDeleteSecond thing, you've kind of meshed the conflict, goal and consequences all together and I am having trouble figuring out which is which. The goal appears to be "save her job" and the teeth. The conflict is her boyfriend (although conflict should be more than just a person's name). As for the consequences, those seem to be the same as her goal but they need to be bigger. If her goal is to save her job, the consequences can't be the same. We need something bigger and more personal (ie, what does it mean if she loses her job?)
I like this but had to read it a couple of times to get everything. I think it would work better as two sentences and it probably would be better to mention fewer characters.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely too long and drawn out. Why is she battling her ex? What is he trying to do? (specifically) How does it affect her? And I did wonder how she is saving her job when she doesn't have one.
ReplyDeleteI do love the names you've chosen, though, especially Ruth Canal. Sounds like a fun story!
Thanks so much for all the feedback! Why is it that errors are only glaringly apparent to me once they are pointed out by someone else? ;)
ReplyDeleteHere is my second go. Any comments are much appreciated.
Tansy Berry is part elf, part human, and all Tooth Ferry. So when she’s fired from the only job she’s ever loved, she fights tooth and, well, tooth to get it back, and in the process uncovers a black market Sweet Tooth scheme that threatens not only her career but also the teeth of all the children of the world.
I just want to read it! And have it made into a movie with Kirstie Alley (she was such a good tooth fairy!)
ReplyDeleteI'd read this. It's quirky and seems like it's going to be a riot!!
ReplyDeleteYour revision is waaaay better. I still say it's a little too long, but then I think I'm a crazy word-counter when it comes to log lines. I would read the book based on the new logline, not the old one.
ReplyDeleteI think it sounds like a fantastic story, and agree that the revision is much better. The first was definitely a bit confusing.
ReplyDeleteFor the revision, it could be made a bit neater still, perhaps:
'Tansy Berry, part elf, part human, and all Tooth Ferry is fired from the only job she's ever loved. As she fights tooth and, well, tooth, to get it back, she uncovers a black market Sweet Tooth scheme that threatens not only her career, but also the teeth of all the children of the world' ?
While I think the premise will probably make a great very young middle grade or even chapter book, I do think you may have too many names in your log line. I appreciate all the play on words with the names, but they don't all need mentioning in the log line. Chip away at those names and leave the lines a bit more "bare" so to speak. See what you have and rewrite from there.
ReplyDeleteI like the rewritten version and would love to read this story - so would my kids!
ReplyDelete