I'm not sure what/who her adversary is. Noelle comes off a little nutty in that she's trying to get information from the dead. Without context, it's not very grabby. Maybe try and work in some concrete facts - "Despite being the child of devout athiest (or whatever you have in your story that is contrary to believing in life after death), Noelle has always believed there was something beyond death. With her life in ruins after a terrible accident she has no memory of, she struggles to get in touch with the only other person who was there - her dead boyfriend."
Not great, but it has the added element of an adversary.
Too vague for me, I think. I get no sense of Noelle's personality to allow me to want her to succeed, and the "accident" and "ruined her life" aren't specific enough to give me a sense of stakes or conflict.
The "dead boyfriend" is hooky, but would be hookier if things were less vague.
I agree with the others. Remember, you have 100 words - use them to your advantage. Give us more reason to care about Noelle. What was the accident. Why is her boyfriend dead - same accident or different? We need a bit more info.
139 characters. I'm guessing this is a twitter logline. Works good as a twitter line, but for this contest, it can be longer. Not much else to add beyond that. More to work with will mean a better logline, I'm sure.
I like the twist - her dead boyfriend. But the beginning of the sentence doesn't work. It's too wordy but doesn't give any details, isn't hook-y. Tell us a little more about her, how she is after the accident, something that makes us want to read her story.
We have the character and her goal but that's about it. Who/what is going to make it difficult for her to find her dead boyfriend? (I'm assuming this is possible in your book...otherwise, you have an unattainable goal!) What happens if she can't find him?
Too bland. What was the accident? She may not know, but someone must have told her about it. Did the ex die in the same accident? How is her life ruined? What's different? And what will be the difficulty in reaching her ex? Are there evil ghosts standing in her way?
As is, she can't remember what happened so she'll ask her dead ex. There's no conflict mentioned.
I really like this! It's not telling me the antagonist, but that makes me think the antagonist might be her dead boyfriend. Awesome. My only issue is word order, which I think could be switched around to make it pop more--but do whatever you think is right.
“With no memory of the accident that ruined her life, Noelle seeks the one person who can fill in the blanks—her dead boyfriend.”
I'm not sure what/who her adversary is. Noelle comes off a little nutty in that she's trying to get information from the dead. Without context, it's not very grabby. Maybe try and work in some concrete facts - "Despite being the child of devout athiest (or whatever you have in your story that is contrary to believing in life after death), Noelle has always believed there was something beyond death. With her life in ruins after a terrible accident she has no memory of, she struggles to get in touch with the only other person who was there - her dead boyfriend."
ReplyDeleteNot great, but it has the added element of an adversary.
Too vague for me, I think. I get no sense of Noelle's personality to allow me to want her to succeed, and the "accident" and "ruined her life" aren't specific enough to give me a sense of stakes or conflict.
ReplyDeleteThe "dead boyfriend" is hooky, but would be hookier if things were less vague.
I agree with the others. Remember, you have 100 words - use them to your advantage. Give us more reason to care about Noelle. What was the accident. Why is her boyfriend dead - same accident or different? We need a bit more info.
ReplyDelete139 characters. I'm guessing this is a twitter logline. Works good as a twitter line, but for this contest, it can be longer. Not much else to add beyond that. More to work with will mean a better logline, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteI like the twist - her dead boyfriend. But the beginning of the sentence doesn't work. It's too wordy but doesn't give any details, isn't hook-y. Tell us a little more about her, how she is after the accident, something that makes us want to read her story.
ReplyDeleteI love it. :)
ReplyDeletewhoa...like this one.
ReplyDeleteNice hook at the end. I would definitely go for more.
It is short, succinct and tells me it is otherworldly.
Like it.
I like it too--it tells me what I need to know about the plot in a clever way.
ReplyDeleteWe have the character and her goal but that's about it. Who/what is going to make it difficult for her to find her dead boyfriend? (I'm assuming this is possible in your book...otherwise, you have an unattainable goal!) What happens if she can't find him?
ReplyDeleteI think there's really good potential here, but I'd like to see a few more details about the world building and about Noelle.
ReplyDeleteThe dead boyfriend aspect is intriguing, but this sounds a lot like The Everafter. I think you need a little more detail to set it apart.
ReplyDeleteToo bland. What was the accident? She may not know, but someone must have told her about it. Did the ex die in the same accident? How is her life ruined? What's different? And what will be the difficulty in reaching her ex? Are there evil ghosts standing in her way?
ReplyDeleteAs is, she can't remember what happened so she'll ask her dead ex. There's no conflict mentioned.
This is intriguing, but I'd need more before I could answer honestly whether I was hooked or not.
ReplyDeleteI really like this! It's not telling me the antagonist, but that makes me think the antagonist might be her dead boyfriend. Awesome. My only issue is word order, which I think could be switched around to make it pop more--but do whatever you think is right.
ReplyDelete“With no memory of the accident that ruined her life, Noelle seeks the one person who can fill in the blanks—her dead boyfriend.”
I thought this gave a great introduction, super concise, but I think it could give a little more information as to what happens later.
ReplyDelete