Thursday, October 21, 2010

Logline Critique Session One: #23

TITLE: Emma's Heaven
GENRE: Women's Fiction

All Megan wants is for her three-year old daughter to be found after disappearing from the front yard two years ago. She sees Emma everywhere and her family questions her sanity, but when she snaps a photo of a little girl at the town fair, Megan doesn't understand why people won't believe that she's finally found her daughter.

15 comments:

just sayin' said...

The premise is intriguing, but it's a little lost in the writing. This needs to be tightened up to make it less awkward. In the first sentence, for example, "to be found," which is passive. Better would be "All Megan wants is to find her three-year-old daughter" (although I wonder, was the girl three when she disappeared, or is she 3 now?) Also, "after disappearing from the front yard" refers to Megan, not Emma.

annalisag said...

The premise makes me think this novel could be really exciting, but currently the loglines make it sound flat. Skip the beginning and maybe start with snapping the photo and finding her missing daughter.

Mystery Robin said...

How about: After two years of misery since her daughter was abducted from her front yard, Megan has finally found her in the crowd at a county fair, but why won't anyone believe that it's really her missing girl?

Or something like that. I, too, think you should focus on the fact that Megan has found her and no one believes her.

Holly Bodger said...

Agree about the passive comment...this needs to be about what Megan does, not what happens to Megan.

You also seem to be missing the conflict here. Conflict is the thing that will come between the MC and her goal. If her goal is finding her daughter, what is stopping her once she takes a picture of her? The people not believing she is sane is not enough unless they have her locked up in the mental hospital. Tell us what mountain she is going to climb.

Nicole Zoltack said...

The premise of the story is awesome, but I think the logline needs a little work.

After her three-year-old daughter disappeared from her front yard two years ago, Megan obsessively searches for her. When she snaps...

Although I do like the family questioning her sanity-bit.

I would read this story.

Anonymous said...

I like it and can agree with the content, but try re-phrasing those same ideas and see if it gets more active. But, I still like it.

Kris said...

I don't think you need the first sentence--that the child was lost is clear in the last two sentences. What are the stakes for Megan? Her sanity? Her child? What will happen if the family doesn't believe her? What if they do?

Kathleen said...

The premise *is* intriguing, and although we don't know where you're going to take us, I think it may be enough. I just finished working on an assignment for a course in which the successful "log line" turned out to be no more than the inciting incident. Some stories are best summed up by where they begin, not by the overarching plot.

Nya Rayne said...

I like the premise, but it reads like a million other stories out there about a mother looking for their missing child. What's different about this story? What's going to make me want to read this book?

Jen said...

I agree with others, you could start this with the snapping of the photo. I think you've got a good premise, and I'd read it.

meradeth said...

When I read this I couldn't help thinking that I would have agreed with her family in thinking she's just losing her mind. What makes this time different? I think this might help bring out the main difference, and selling point, of this!

theflightytemptress said...

This is unnecessarily complicated. It looks like a good story, but you don’t need to tell us so many details in the log-line. Also: is the story more about Megan’s struggle to convince people this girl is her daughter, or is it more trying to save her daughter from kidnapping? If it’s neither, then I think you need to rework that last line.

Joie said...

I want to know what she intends to do, now that she thinks she's found her daughter, and what might prevent her from doing it. This seems to be mostly setup for the real meat of the story.

SS said...

I think this logline sets up the premise for the story, but doesn't touch on what happens later on. Does the book go into Megan trying to get her daughter back? Wouldn't this be main conflict in the story, rather than Megan simply not understanding why people don't believe her?

Jemi Fraser said...

Great premise. I agree with the suggestions to tighten up the sentences - make it move more quickly. Sounds like a great story. :)