Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two: #24

TITLE: I'm Here to Save Your Day- The Adventures of Bo Wolf
GENRE: MG Adventure/Fantasy

When you're the greatest eleven-year-old fencer of all time, you naturally bring the smackdown on a playground bully who's taken over the jungle gym, but when Bo Wolf discovers the bully's mom- the lunch lady- is plotting to poison the school with her irresistible ginger snaps, he must save his friends from an imminent cafeteria-induced death.

17 comments:

Mystery Robin said...

I love the idea of an 11 year old fencer. For some reason, I can't tell if this is grounded in our real world, in which case a homicidal lunch lady is really creepy - or if it's kind of fantastical (as the genre would indicate and then I'm guessing the killer lunch lady is handled in a not creepy way). I think if it is a fantasy, I'd try to work a hint of the fantastical elements into the logline so the reader knows what rules we're playing by.

S. Kyle Davis said...

Having read your stuff before at WriteOnCon, I'm a little biased here, but I liked your logline. I again wonder if you should mention Beowulf or not. Probobly not on a logline, but I'll put it out there to see if any other critters have an opinion.

I think you've got it all in here. You have the inciting incident, the MC, the problem, the stakes, and a good bit of the voice. The only minor thing I'd say is to connect the mom with the incident with the bully better. Is she poisoning the school because her son was beaten? Make the connection clearer.

Other than that, great job, and get an agent already. I want to read your book!

Walter Thurman said...

I loved this. I'm not sure the bully is necessary, but it does add to what Bo is up against. Nicely done.

TracyA said...

I love the voice in this. I'm intrigued and would want to read more. My one confusion is regarding the possible connection between Bo smacking down the bully, and the bully mom's plot with cookies. Is there a way to clarify this?

Good luck!

SS said...

Hooked on this one. I love the voice.

Nicole Zoltack said...

Definitely hooked. Love the voice.

FunnyGirl said...

I like this a lot, but I think it could be two sentences, with a period between "gym" and "but."

Michelle said...

I think mentioning Bo's name upfront will put the reader right into the type of book you've written. This is even better than the last time I saw it in a contest--like S. Kyle Davis said, let's hope this snags you an agent, 'cause this book needs to get out into the wild! I would break it into two sentences for clarity, though. Good luck!

Barbara said...

I liked it and thought the only real issue was already mentioned. Is the lunch lady poisoning the kids in retaliation for what happened to her son, or is she just a bigger, badder bully?

Norwegian Myths said...

I think smackdown has more to do with wrestling than fencing, which is more gentile, no?

Also, why would a bully's mother want to poison the school? Don't get the connection. Perhaps provide one.

Love the voice...

Holly Bodger said...

I'm not sure I get the opening of this. Does he fence with the bully? How does fencing help him bring this smackdown? I honestly think this will be a nice opening to a query but doesn't belong here.

In the second part of this, you establish his goal and the stakes but I don't really see any conflict. He has already beaten the bully in the beginning. Is he going to battle the lunch lady now too? With a sword? And is she actually trying to poison the entire school, including her own son?

Try not to focus so much on voice and get the elements down first. You can add a tad of voice later if necessary.

Laura said...

The best thing about this logline is the fact that the voice is loud and clear, including the humor. I agree with other commenters that it can be tightened a little, and I definitely think it should be two sentences. Also, how does the fencing (funny!) play into the rest of the story? Perhaps a mention of it in what will be sentence two...does he use his skills defeat the lunch lady? And why does she want to kill them all?

Anonymous said...

This one just made me laugh - in a great way - and I can't wait to read it!

Jared Larson said...

Thank you fo the great help everyone! Excellent advice.

DJ said...

I am so in love with this. I always knew those lunch ladies were up to no good!

R B H said...

Tell me this is also a comedy. it seems like it would be and I would definitely read it if it was.

Spiral said...

This has a great voice. It makes me believe your 11-year-old hero has a lot of confidence - a great start. You might try to connect the conflict with bully's mom better, because I got a bit confused as to who would be the person creating the conflict or incident - the bully or his mom?