Wednesday, March 30, 2016

March Secret Agent #2

GENRE: Adult - Fantasy

One night, just one, Damien wanted to make it all the home without having to punch somebody.
It shouldn’t have been so difficult.

The short walk from his parents’ home to his own was up the city’s main roads, not through the side alleys with their inhospitable residents. And nowhere near the lawless low-ground, where drink was cheap and life even cheaper.

The route he’d taken was firmly in the mid-ground, near the heart of the city, and packed on both sides with homes and shops. Inns and drinking-houses.

 It was also quiet. And empty.

An unnerving silence had settled over the wide road minutes ago, as its residents hurried into homes and alleys. Out of sight. An upstairs shutter clattered as it was pulled closed.  A low drone of conversation barely filtered from the open window of an unusually subdued tavern. The silence, poisoning the air with anxiety, meant only one thing.


 Damien held to the right side of the road, in the shadows.  He’d be damned before he ran from a bloody high-grounder.

A wild laugh echoed from up ahead, and Damien could just see the outline of two gentlemen walking indolently down the center of the street, their heavy capes silhouetted by the faint moonlight.
A low curse caught his attention.

Stopping to glance back, he saw a woman fumbling with her key, hand visibly trembling.
Gods damn it.

“Excuse me,” he said quietly, walking back towards her.

She looked up, startled, but waved a dismissive hand at him.


  1. Sorry, but I'm not hooked here. You're working in a lot of background info and there isn't any action happening. I think this info would work better if this scene had another purpose that moved the plot forward. Right now I don't know anything about the MC except that he's generally disagreeable. There are no stakes and nothing to hint at what happens next. If the two people walking are the bad guys here, I think it would up the tension if that was more clear.

    Hope this helps. Good luck.

  2. I agree with Chelly. I think there needs to be a little more action, moving the plot forward, a little less background. I think you can work that background in as you move forward, but introduce more tension, more action in your opening scene. Of course that is just my opinion. Good luck!

  3. I agree with the others. Also, and this is a really picky comment, but it seems as if Damien is a really trendy name with fantasies. I don't know if you can google something like that but I might put this down just because of the name. I know that's not fair at all, but it just makes me feel as if I've read too many books just like this.

  4. Your opening line is awesome. The voice, tone, and sense of character in it pulled me in immediately. Unfortunately, the rest of this sample didn't hold my attention. As the other commenters have said, you got bogged down in unnecessary details. I don't need to know about the routes that Damien *isn't* taking, for example.

    I'm much more interested in the high grounders and any threat they may pose. And in Damien himself. After your opening line, he almost disappears from the narrative until you mention that he's kept to the shadows and approaches the woman. He's gotta be present for your opening scene.

    Thanks for submitting your entry!