TITLE: The Man Who Did Too Much
GENRE: Cozy Mystery
(Quirky confirmed spinster and new (currently drunk) non-romantic friend. She mentions her dating background: a junior high kissing club.)
"How often did this club meet?"
"Once."
"And that's it?"
"Yep."
"Ms. Marquette, you are a strumpet."
"I'm so ashamed."
"No, honestly. One slobbery kiss from a thirteen-year-old boy--"
"Twelve."
"Twelve slobbery kisses?"
"No, one from a twelve-year-old boy. Two if you count the one on the cheek."
"That's no way to judge a kiss!"
"I know it isn't, but--"
George leaned in and kissed her.
Not a little peck on the lips. A full long kiss, mouth open -- though no tongue, thank goodness. It was wet but not slobbery, and he tasted of lime and mint and beer. She was too surprised to pull away, not that she could have since he had her pressed against the wall of the restaurant.
He pulled back finally, and she drew in a a gasping breath, because it had been a long kiss, but before she could say anything he kissed her again, but this time is was a short kiss, just kind of a little gulp of a kiss. She thought he might go in for a third, since he hovered a moment, one hand on her hip, and the other on her arm.
"You've made your point," she said in a squeaky voice.
"Sorry," he said.
"Okay," she said, her voice still squeaking. He stepped back.
"Yes, um, sorry. That's all it was, really, making a point."
I really like this - love the idea of him proving that kissing is a good thing. :)
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the dialogue leading up to the kiss - it's funny, and playful, and quick. The pace changes once the kiss starts - longer paragraphs, longer sentences (sometimes close to run-ons - you might want to tweak the sentence with two "but"s in it). Longer sentences aren't necessarily a problem - in fact, if you intended to make it seem like the kiss slows down time, then it works great.
ReplyDeleteLove love love this. I want to read the whole book based on just this sampling of your writing. :) No hyperbole, no cliches, no bones crushing or flaming lips - LOVE IT. :)
ReplyDeleteI love that 'gasping breath because it had been a long kiss' - exactly! Some written kisses go on for so long it makes me wonder if the people are breathing through gills.
Overall, I really liked this! I'm definitely interested enough to want to read more!
ReplyDeleteThe only real issue I had was this sentence: "He pulled back finally, and she drew in a a gasping breath, because it had been a long kiss, but before she could say anything he kissed her again, but this time is was a short kiss, just kind of a little gulp of a kiss." I think it could/should be broken up into two-three sentences.
Thank you! This is my W.I.P. and it is relatively rough. Agreed on the second kiss paragraph - good points.
ReplyDeleteI will be looking for critique people this summer. If anybody wants to see the first chapter, there's a link on my blog off this post: http://daringnovelist.blogspot.com/2010/05/next-dare-and-first-chapter.html
(I hope it's permitted to post that link! - sorry if it isn't.)
This was great. I love the timing and pacin. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is my favorite so far, and you know why? Because somehow, who these people are...their characters and everything that's gone into making them human...that's somehow woven through the scene in little indescribable ways.
ReplyDeleteLove it!
I really enjoyed this one. I like how it focused on the physical sensations, the order of events, etc. rather than a swirl of emotions. Very real for a first kiss, IMO. Taste, sensation, duration, external things. Perfect. The banter is excellent and engaging!
ReplyDeleteThis is perfect. I love it. And I feel bad that this is her first kiss.
ReplyDeleteFantastic. I love "gulp of a kiss," LOVE the 12-13 confusion. No constructive crits to offer, I'm afraid. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThanks again everyone! This has been a hard book to write - getting the exact balance of these two rather unconventional characters - and I really feel like I'm getting on the right track.
ReplyDelete(And Mel, don't feel sorry for her, she's been successfully dodging kisses for thirty years. Anybody but him would have ended up with a garden flamingo shoved up his nose, no matter how good a kisser he might be.)
I like this, and I don't believe George was kissing her just to make a point - at least I hope he wasn't.
ReplyDeleteVery good. Some more emotional reaction from her would make it excellent.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I've read them all, and this is definitely my favorite. :)
ReplyDelete