Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 1 #11

TITLE: Cracked
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy

Charmingly wicked half-demon Meda is forced to hide from hell's army in a school for demon-hunters--who mistakenly believe she's a saint.

26 comments:

emeraldcite said...

Simple, to the point, and enticing. Well done!

Heather Hawke said...

This is very snappy, but I am confused on one point. If Meda is wicked, why would hell's army be hunting for her? I'm also unclear on the stakes. What will happen if hell's army finds her or if the demon-hunters discover her true nature? I think my issue is I don't know who Meda eventually aligns herself with. And I am intrigued, so I want to know.

Shiela Calderón Blankemeier said...

I like as well. Made me say, "oooo." Very good!

KimberlyFDR said...

I like this. It's simple and to the point. We know that Meda is trying to keep her secret in the midst of those who want to hunt her. Is she overcompensating and that's why she's seen as a saint? I'd love to read this novel!

martintj said...

Needs more. You have more word count to work with, tell us more about Meda (description). Tell us more about what she does-she is forced to hide, but then what? Does she hide forever?

Jonathan 3d said...

Great, but why does she have to hide. Maybe she escaped from hell's army? Then it's not passive, either.

... Meda escapes from hell's army and hides in a school...

R.A.Desilets said...

I think just one more sentence will round out your log line. It is very short, and I do like the premise (and what few words I have read from Cracked already). I love that you are so concise, but just one more line should help you hook the reader a little bit more.

A.E. Martin said...

This was a pretty good logline in that it was short but you could just include a little more info such as why does Meda have to hide from hell's army? What did she do? And even why the school of demon hunters think she's a saint? While the logline does give ample information it doesn't exactly tell me what the stakes are for Meda, I don't get a sense of what challenges she has to face in your novel other than hiding and being mistaken for a saint.

Rachael said...

This is nice and concise and is just enough to get me interested. Like other commenters, I would probably add a few words about why she needs to hide, but other than that, you nailed it. Congrats!

Ruth said...

I think this does the job. Nice work.

Holly Bodger said...

And then what? This sounds like what happens to incite the story but it's missing everything else. How long does she need to hide for? What happens if they find her?

Also, who believes she's a saint? Hell's army or the entire school of demon hunters? And why does this matter? Do demons kill saints? Eat them for dinner with a nice side of green beans?

Good luck!
Holly

Author #11 said...

Thanks everyone, for your feedback! It sounds like some of you would like more information--but I have a hard time giving more without giving too much (so frustrating!). Here's the long version (157 words), and if anyone has any ideas on how to find a happy medium, I would really really appreciate it!


At seventeen, Meda is already an experienced serial killer. It’s not her fault. She doesn't do it because she likes it (though she does). Meda eats souls, and there's really only one place to get them--and it's not the Piggly Wiggly. Then Meda learns she's not the only soul-eater; she's actually part demon, and the other demons are out to get her.

Fortunately, Meda finds the perfect place to hide--in a school for demon-hunters. The modern Knights Templar are dedicated to fighting demons and protecting Beacons, people marked by God as good for mankind. Because the demons are determined to kill her, the Templars are convinced Meda is a Beacon trying to fulfill her destiny. Meda's goals are far less saintly. She just wants to find out why the demons are out to get her and, well, that's easier to do with back-up--even if her back-up would kill her if they knew the truth.

Iris St. Clair said...

Very cute. I'd read this. Well done.

A.E. Martin said...

I tried to do some condensing of your longer piece, here's my version:


When seventeen year old Meda learns that she’s part demon and not the only one who eats souls, she finds herself on the run from demons who are out to kill her. Taking refuge in a school for demon hunters, she finds protection from those who think her destiny is marked by God since demons are after her. But if they found out what she really was, Meda will find it a lot harder to protect herself from the demons who seem determined to capture her one way or another.

Ann Bedichek Braden said...

I personally really like the short version. I think the snappiness of it goes well with the awesome voice I remember your first 250 words having.

However, I love that Piggly-Wiggly line so much that I'm tempted to try to fit it in...

Half-demon Medea eat souls, and there's only one place to get them -- and it's not the Piggly-Wiggly. But when she finds herself on the run from a hoard of other demons, she hides in a school for demon hunters, where they mistakenly believe she's a saint.

Barbara said...

I like the longer version. The short version tells me nothing. She's forced to hide. Ok. So she hides. ENd of story.

The longer version makes more sense. My condensed version, 100 words --

Meda eats souls, and there's really only one place to get them--and it's not the Piggly Wiggly. When she learns she's actually part demon, and the other demons are out to get her, she finds the perfect place to hide--in a school for demon-hunters. The modern Knights Templar are convinced Meda is a Saint trying to fulfill her destiny. Meda's goals are far less saintly. She just wants to find out why the demons are out to get her and, that's easier to do with back-up--even if her back-up would kill her if they knew the truth.

Just a thought.

Yttar said...

I like this. I'm not really sure how a demon's able to fool a bunch of demon hunters into thinking she's a saint, but that's what makes me want to read this.

Ramona Dark said...

This is pretty great, but the problem is that the MC is not active. She's hiding, but I'm sure there is something that she's struggling to do which would make this active. What is that? Hope I've helped :D

GSMarlene said...

The short version works for me, but that's not fair cuz I'm lucky enough to have read the entire book. Which I got to do after reading an earlier long version and begging to help critique.

Some of the suggestions from the long version are great - the piggly-wiggly comment does it's job and demands the reader to want more!

Adam Heine said...

I like the short version a lot. It's clear and it made me laugh. The only thing I'd add (since you have space) is some hint of what Meda plans to do about Hell's army.

Anonymous said...

I think this is great. Crisp and to the point. The only thing i would add is why she is hiding. Great job!

Heather Hawke said...

I like Ann's latest version. I'd delete "mistakenly" as that goes without saying. Here's my take on it:

Half-demon Medea eat souls, and there's only one place to get them -- and it's not the Piggly-Wiggly. When Medea's demon kin try to kill her, she has to find out why (needs better goal) or the vengeful Knights Templar will discover she's not really a saint.

Author #11 said...

Thanks for all the suggestions guys! How about this version--is it too cutesy?

Charmingly wicked half-demon Meda is forced to hide from hell’s army in a school for demon-hunters--who mistakenly believe she’s a saint. Now she must figure out why the demons are after her (or, more importantly, how to make them un-after her) before her hosts figure out her goal isn’t world peace--just not to get ripped to pieces.

Ann Bedichek Braden said...

I think they addition of what she needs to do definitely strengthens it, and I like the un-after her part.

I would ditch the last part though ("just not to get ripped to pieces") b/c when I first read it I wasn't sure if Meda or her host were the ones who were going to get ripped to pieces. I've since figured out you mean Meda, but if you cut it you won't lose anything (b/c the stakes when hell's army is after you are pretty easy to infer). Also, the peace/pieces word play doesn't work quite well enough to make it worth it. And I think without that last tag it will have that same sharp rhythm that your original had (which worked so well.)

I would love to read this manuscript!

MKHutchins said...

So, I do like that first sentence, the original log-line. Probably because you haven't worked on it as long, the second sentence doesn't feel as polished. "Figure out" is used twice, for example, and I don't think you need the parenthesis:

"Now she must figure out why the demons are after her before her hosts discover her goal isn't world peace -- it's not getting ripped to pieces."

Ailsa said...

I really like your version in the comments above - it gives a reason for why she is there, which is important. I really like the original, too, it just doesn't give enough of 'and then what'.