Thursday, November 19, 2015

OTB Logline Critique #6

TITLE: Cargo Hold Five
GENRE: YA - Science Fiction

When the hunt for her kidnapped sister leads to a galaxy-traveling circus, Hazel joins The Greatest Show in the Sky to flush for clues. But when her investigation uncovers the circus’s involvement in the illegal Freak trade, Hazel is forced to get out quick, before the homicidal ringleader catches on to her, and the search for her sister dies with her.


  1. This is pretty good but I'm a little confused by the end as it sounds like she cannot search for clues if she wants to live. Do you mean that she has to work quickly before she's caught or is her goal just to get out? If the latter, how will she get the clues?

    Good luck!

  2. The idea of an intergalactic travelling circus is neat, and there are hints of a really interesting world in this blurb. However, it feels a little wordy for the amount of information provided. I would consider streamlining. You can cut a lot of verbiage just by making it more active. "Hazel did x for y, but found z, and now q." This will also help remove the repetition of the "When x happens" construction that is used twice in this blurb.

  3. I like the premise! The "illegal Freak trade" is certainly interesting - and if that isn't enough your mc has to find her sister. If you streamline it, and clarify, I think you'll have it.

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  5. Sounds like a blast! I'd just trim it down as previously suggested. Something like "But after discovering the homicidal ringleader's involvement in the illegal Freak trade, Hazel's search for her sister becomes a fight for her own life." I'm sure you'll come up with the right verbiage!

  6. I love the concept. Does that hint about the ringleader catching on to her mean that she and her sister freaks? Was her sister abducted because she's a freak? When you streamline as others suggested, maybe there will be room to mention why his illegal freak trade puts her in danger. Could she and her sister be traded?

  7. I agree that this starts pretty well, but gets a little clunky at the end. For instance, I think a phrase like 'get out quick' could be replaced with something more specific.

    Also (and I'm surprised no one else mentioned this!) the phrase 'flush for clues' is ungrammatical. Do you mean 'flush out' clues? That would be a tad awkward as well; I'd suggest rewording that part and probably using a different term to describe her search.

    1. I actually assumed it was a typo and meant to be 'fish for clues', but I might be wrong there.

  8. Is her sister a freak? The fact that they kidnap her means they're engaged in something illegal. I don't see why the MC has to discover this part in the story. Still, the stakes are good and the story seems interesting.

  9. This sounds quite intriguing. The last line bothered me a bit. She's forced to get out quick, but if she does, how will she succeed in finding her sister? Or It sounds like the story would be over before it is finished, if you know what I mean? I do think it sounds like a fun read.