Tuesday, April 28, 2009

#11 1000 Words

TITLE: Spoiler
GENRE: Science fiction


Mama never ate a Citizen child. No cheat in her group ever killed and ate kids, and nobody in Ranger’s group did, either. I have never known a cheat who did, so I think it’s a story Citizens tell each other to make what they do to us seem necessary. We did eat cats and dogs, and some Citizens think that’s just as bad as eating their children.

I’m sitting at a wooden table next to a fish’n’chips place by the water, in a city far from Oregon, writing this in a notebook I took from a bench in a coffee shop. I don‘t know what year this, I don’t ask anymore. But I’m sure it‘s at least a generation before the gamma trick. The day is so bright, the water out there brilliant blue, with little sailboats, and a gigantic boat, a ferry, crossing by. Until now, I’d never seen the ocean. It smells so wild, full of life unseen. In a hundred years, even before I’m born, the green islands out in the Sound and the place where I‘m sitting now will be under water. The ocean will cover the fish’n’chips stands and all their wonderful smells, the streets behind me, now busy with the cars of people who think things will always be like they are now, and lap at the hills, drowning the trees. I came to understand this, but it won’t help me. Or anybody. It will happen.

Maybe nobody will ever read this or believe it if they do, but I have to give the truth, for Mama and all the rest of us, because I don’t think I’ll be allowed to stay here much longer. Dr. Charlotte will be yanking me back. She still owns part of me

The first time she sent me, I landed in the right park, but came in too high. The fall knocked the breath out of me but didn’t break anything. Nothing in my kit was breakable. I scrambled to a tree and sat against it, hoping nobody had seen me fall.

I was instructed not to talk to anyone in this time, but I did. On the first day of the first trip. A plastic disk sailed toward where I was sitting under the tree and a boy chased after it, a boy with brown speckles on his face and shoulders and arms, pale legs below striped shorts.

He stopped and stared at me, and I knew he was a Citizen. Cheats don’t do that. He talked to me. Said, “Hi.”

I raised my eyes and looked at his face. For what seemed like too long, we looked at each other. He was bigger than me, almost a man, but Citizens are always a little scared because cheats are dangerous. This one just looked like he wanted something from me.

A woman yelled, “Hey, you kids better come finish these sandwiches.”

The boy jerked, like he’d been startled while poking at a snake. So he was scared of me. I don’t remember if he said anything before he walked away. But I saw him stop for a second or two before he went on.

I sat in the shade with the kit on my lap and waited for dusk. There was a strange sound high in the air, the sound of a machine. Through the branches of the tree above me, I saw a little airplane. A hundred years from now, aircraft are almost silent. You have to be alert or they’ll sneak up on you.

I should have hidden myself, to avoid more contact, but I didn’t. The boy came back.

“Brought you a sandwich.” He squatted on his haunches in front of me and held out something wrapped in clear plastic. Doctor had instructed me to talk to no one, to eat nothing until I had finished my task. I was not allowed to take food. But I did. I held out a hand and let the boy put the sandwich in it. He looked satisfied.

“My name’s Casey,” he said, watching me hold the plastic-wrapped food on my kit. He said, “What’s your name?”

I gave it to him, disobeying again. “Lil.”

“Hi, Lil,” he said. “Where you from?”

“Not here.”

A strange look came over his speckled face. “I know,” he said, and seemed to be waiting for me to give him more. He said, “I saw you pop out of the air, right about there.” He pointed up at the branches.

He would tell the Citizen Protection Patrol. But what could he tell that anybody would believe?

“Casey,” a man yelled, “time to go!”

“I have to go,” the boy said, standing up. “You wanna come with us?”

I didn’t understand what he wanted. I would be killed in this time because I didn’t know what Citizens meant when they said ordinary words.

The boy went away with his group. I stuck the sandwich in my kit and waited, sitting against the tree on the bristly grass, waited until shadows spread and melted together, and trees, bushes, firepits, and tables were black shapes over the grass. Other people, too, way over there, talking. I got up and walked down to the river and waited there, turning my back on the wide, pewter flow of water, watching the road. The sky was purple, faint stars showing.

In the dusk, twin lights appeared, and the red car. Standing in deep shadows, I watched it come to a stop. Watched a blond woman get out of the car and go around and bring out three little blond kids. The children were very quiet as their mother, talking fast and breathy, took the tiny boy and the older girl by the hand and led them toward the water, the air full of her voice. My scalp prickled when the older girl looked at me. Charlotte.

16 comments:

  1. Hi!

    I really enjoyed reading this. Your worldbuilding and plotting intrigued me from beginning to end. I think you have strong visuals here--pewter water, purple night--and elements such as Citizens and cheats (can't wait for that name to be explained) were really interesting.

    Although the opening paragraph caught my attention, I have to say that it didn't seeem to relate to the rest of the excerpt. I think if you'd worked it in later, it would have made more sense, and this can easily start with paragraph 2 and still have impact.

    I would recommend that your setting include more than just visuals. We have four other senses, and especially considering this is someone alien to our time, you could really build Lil's world, and ours, by capturing her sensory impressions of our world. Don't just tell me there are smells; tell me what the smells are, or even better, tell me what they remind Lil of.

    I have to say although you have a strong voice, it was quite unisex. I didn't think Lil was a girl at all. This might be explained by the way her world formed her, but it does explain why Casey felt he could approach her. It says a lot that she takes his jumping at his mother's call as a sign he's afraid of her.

    I didn't get one thing about your timeline--if Lil says that the world is under water a hundred years before she's born, how is Charlotte, her 'owner', alive now? Are human's exceptionally long lived? And I would love to know how Charlotte 'owns' her.

    I would definitely read on from this. Great opening. I wish you the best of luck with it.

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  2. First of all you had me at, Mama never ate a Citizen child.
    I really liked this piece.
    A few particulars:

    Good opening: The MC's voice shone through, and you did some immediate world building, terminology included, without any dull backstory.

    Conflicts and questions were raised: Why was the MC sent back in time? Who is Charlotte? What is happening in the future? I really want to know.

    The writing was clean and unobtrusive and IMHO just a nice job overall.

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  3. Not my genre (or pov) so my comments could be biased.
    I think you have a good opening and intriguing premise (from what I could gather from these thousand words).
    Anyway, the first half reads well the last half felt clunky. The last two paragraphs in particular...maybe you're missing some words? I'd suggest shorter sentences instead of listing everything she sees and does.

    Good luck

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  4. Great first sentence! Who could stop reading there? I liked the whole first paragraph, but it faltered a little in the second.

    I'm sitting here writing...whose she telling that to? Is that what she's writing. This part wasn't as strong as the first.

    I liked the boy and how he gives us some info on Lil because as its been said- there's a lot to be answered, but that's good. I do want to know more about the Lil and the boy.

    One thing that didn't click- he would tell the Citizen Protection Patrol- so they have one, they know they need protected, in the first paragraph it seemed that they were aware of the cheats, but you said he wouldn't be believed. Why?

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  5. I was really, really intrigued by your opening – but then you leave it behind. The whole time I was reading, I was waiting for you to get back to the fantastic hook.


    “It smells so wild, full of life unseen.” This line sounds like your trying to hard. Life unseen as a smell?

    “The ocean will cover the fish’n’chips stands and all their wonderful smells, the streets behind me, now busy with the cars of people who think things will always be like they are now, and lap at the hills, drowning the trees.” This is a bit hard to follow. I had to read it twice to make sure I followed it.

    “Maybe nobody will ever read this or believe it if they do, but I have to give the truth, for Mama and all the rest of us, because I don’t think I’ll be allowed to stay here much longer. Dr. Charlotte will be yanking me back. She still owns part of me” Missing a period on the last sentence there. So, what is the truth? That the world once looked like this? I don’t really understand what it means. However, I think the transition is effective. Maybe the line before Dr. Char… can be something simple, like I don’t have time to keep admiring the view, etc.


    “The first time she sent me, I landed in the right park, but came in too high. The fall knocked the breath out of me but didn’t break anything. Nothing in my kit was breakable. I scrambled to a tree and sat against it, hoping nobody had seen me fall.” So he’s writing this not from this trip, but from the trip after this one?


    I like the interaction between Lil and Casey. Is Lil a girl? I can’t really tell. Feels like a little boy, but then Lil could be either or.


    “He would tell the Citizen Protection Patrol. But what could he tell that anybody would believe?” I start to get confused again here. Since he seems to be from the future, would this stuff be in place? Do cheats look human? They must, or Casey would be scared right?


    “I didn’t understand what he wanted. I would be killed in this time because I didn’t know what Citizens meant when they said ordinary words.” What time is Lil referring to?

    The last two paragraphs really slow down the pace. Too much description and it seems to be unneeded information with the exception of the appearance of Charlotte.

    And what is a kit? I have no visual in my mind of what this means. Just a backpack?

    I’m interested, for sure. I would keep reading until the end of the chapter to see if I get answers to the bit that I find confusing. Is this YA, or just normal science fiction? I think if I had a book cover – or a good query with this if I were an agent – I’d ask for more.

    Cool. Good stuff. Love me some end of the world-feeling sci-fi, I do. :D

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  6. I, too, enjoyed the first paragraph but the shift to where she was 'now' was a little jarring. Not sure it works right there?

    Otherwise, I'd go for it. This is definitely my type of tale!

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  7. By book cover, I mean back of the book blurb.

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  8. Great first sentence. The rest of the first paragraph has voice, story questions, conflict, etc. I really liked the opening.

    And then you switch to present tense in the second paragraph, and that threw me off. Not a lot, but just a little. And then, after I'm comfortably situated in the present tense, we fly back in time in paragraph four. So that three time switches in four paragraphs, which, for me, is two too many.

    That said, I think this story sounds intriguing and I'd read on. You write very well and have some really great lines in this - "She still owns part of me," "you have to be alert or they'll sneak up on you." Nice world-building and conflict. Well done.

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  9. Okay I love love loved the first sentence... it made me read further... It was an immediate hook!

    Now, the second she started telling me about how she was sitting there writing in a notebook, I kind of got turned off a little... but that's just my own personal opinion I don't like when the writer tells me about how the story is being written.

    That being said, you have a definite voice here and I am intrigued with the story enough to want to read on.

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  10. I enjoyed this, but found it a little difficult to follow...mainly because there's so much information you're imparting. My suggestion would be to slow it down a little, explain about someone eating children, a doctor owning a child, etc.
    Good luck with this!

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  11. I liked this and want to read more, but there were a few things that confused me.

    Is Lil a boy or girl? **He was bigger than me, almost a man**-->This description in particular made me think boy, but then the name sounds like a girl.

    What is a kit? **The fall knocked the breath out of me but didn’t break anything. Nothing in my kit was breakable.**-->This made me think the 'kit' was some part of the MC's body, but maybe it's something he was riding in? Needs to be clarified.

    **Doctor had instructed me to talk to no one**-->I would use the name Dr. Charlotte again because by the end I'd forgotten and had to go back to see who Charlotte was, so that last line didn't have as much impact.

    I like your first paragraph, but it doesn't seem connected to the rest of what is happening here. If this is something being written in the notebook, maybe put it in italics? And then I think this thought should also be tied pretty quickly to the rest of the story the MC is writing for everything to flow logically.

    Also, since your character is jumping through time not just in the story but in his thoughts (and since you are jumping between past and present tense), you need to be careful to make everything as clear as possible to not confuse the reader. **A hundred years from now, aircraft are almost silent. You have to be alert or they’ll sneak up on you.**-->A hundred years from when Lil met Casey, or a hundred years from the writing in the notebook, or are these happening around the same time? I assumed the writing in the notebook was happening much later, but maybe not. Either way, I think this statement should be in past tense since the rest of this part is. And even if you don't want to use exact years, I'd like some clearer reference to when each event is taking place in relation to each other.

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  12. I really like this and think it's a great idea. Loved the opening, although I think you drop off a little too much now and again. I'm guessing that she's in our time now and doesn't get that there's no "Citizen Protection Patrol?" If I'm right, wouldn't Dr. Charlotte know that? Maybe not.

    A few specifics about what distracted me: the part about Oregon; you started out with the non-eating of a Citizen child and I'd like another reference; this part - A plastic disk sailed toward where I was sitting under the tree and a boy chased after it, a boy with brown speckles on his face and shoulders and arms, pale legs below striped shorts.
    The sentence felt a little too long, a little overwritten, too many adjectives.

    Mostly it's just some tightening here and there, evening of the pace. Hooked.

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  13. I missed the Charlotte reference straight off, and would agree it needs to be stronger, so that when the young Charlotte.

    The mixed tenses was a little confusing until I understood it was a story about time travel. I agree with other reviewers that the reflective nature makes the POV quite tricky keep straight

    I've always been a sucker for time travel stories - and I really want to know about Cits and cheaters - and how LIl differs from Citizen.

    Great job.

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  14. Thanks, everyone. I appreciate knowing what works and what seems to be an impediment. As for Lil being maybe a boy, I recall a writer who discovered, to his surprise, "There are some girls who don't jiggle." No matter how much they stick out in all the right places.

    As for Dr. Charlotte, she is among the Useful Citizens, privileged, and yes, her kind have access to HGH-4, and by the time she took Lil from the Euthanasia Center, Charlotte was 120 years old. Lil's life expectancy when she was born under the porch of an abandoned house was 0-25. Scooped up by the CPPs or hunted for sport or bounty, her kind are leftovers from the Clean-up of useless humans.

    This is not YA. It contains explicit violence and a Rush wet dream society. Kill 'em all; they're a drag on the entitled.

    I shall seriously consider all reactions to the first 1,000 words. Thanks, guys.

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  15. I loved this. Great voice, no pandering even though we've stepped into a world we don't know.
    Fantastic opening line.

    At first I was confused trying to make sense of the world Lil is from. All I came away with was it is a divided world with two opposing factions, us and them. And perhaps that's all I need to know for now. I wanted to read more to understand that world.

    The change of tense threw me, but I got it. The time he was from (passt tense), the time he was in (present tense), the early time epoch on an previous trip (past tense).

    The story slowed during the present tense portion pondering the changes to come and what to write in the notebook, but this grounds us as to what's going to happen and stands as foreshadowing, as did the first paragraph.

    If there would have been more, I'd have read that too.

    Very good work.

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  16. Your opening line was brilliant, caught my attention immediately. Like others here though, I was waiting to get back to that. The stuff written after was still good, it just seemed anticlimatic after such an attention-grabber opening. One other thing I noticed is your MC has a distince voice, in the phrasing, the shortness of sentences, etc. There are a couple sentences in the beginning however, that are too "good" and messed up the voice for me. For example, "I have never known a cheat who did" might be better as "I never knew a cheat who did". Its a very slight subtlety, but you have a great voice created for your MC and it'd be a shame to lose it anywhere in the story. All in all though, I'm very intrigued to see where this is going. Good job.

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