Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS36

TITLE: SOUL PURPOSE
GENRE: YA paranormal


Rose was accustomed to hearing the wails of the dead, but enduring the screams of the dying was unbearable.

29 comments:

  1. I'd definitely want to read on. Presumably as it's YA, the dying won't be TOO gruesome, she says hopefully...? :)

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  2. I'm hooked. Great first sentence!

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  3. Good opening sentence. I don't read YA but I'd pass it to my daughter.

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  4. I don't read YA either, but I was intrigued.

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  5. I'd definitely read on. Strong words like wails, enduring, unbearable really worked to draw me in. I already feel for Rose. Nice work!

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  6. Great opening. Its not my genre, but the sentence is very intriguing and hooked me right away.

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  7. Yep, definitely hooked.

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  8. I'd read on. YA that's more than vamps and weres. Good job.

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  9. I like it--I'd read on. :)

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  10. Good start! Would definitely read on.

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  11. I'm hooked by the premise but the sentence could be tightened -- it's quite passive in construction. We don't need the "hearing" as it's implied in the "wails". Ditto with the "enduring".

    A possible revision:

    Rose grew accustomed to the wails of the dead, but could not bear the screams of the dying.

    Good luck!

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  12. It's intriguing...but something's not right. I think, maybe, it's too backstory-ish and/or summary-ish. It makes me expect that the rest of the paragraph, and maybe the next one or two, will be backstory, and...and...ugh. Don't really want to do that.

    So if your first few paragraphs AREN'T backstory, then I'd cut this sentence. At least take the here-and-now part of it and cut the rest. Maybe...what's her reaction to the screams that she's hearing right now?

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  13. Hooked! It's unusual and unexpected, and there's a good hint of what the MC's voice is going to be. I'd definitely read on!

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  14. Definitely intrigued -- I would read on. Nicely done.

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  15. I agree. That's a mighty powerful opening line. I would definitely read on.

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  16. I agree with Writeaholic, but I'd tighten it even further:

    "Rose was accustomed to the wails of the dead, the screams of the dying were unbearable."

    I'd keep reading.

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  17. I can't say I'm hooked, but I keep reading. This would work better for me if you gave some setting first. But it's interesting enough to keep me moving on.

    Fred

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