I'm hooked by the premise but the sentence could be tightened -- it's quite passive in construction. We don't need the "hearing" as it's implied in the "wails". Ditto with the "enduring".
A possible revision:
Rose grew accustomed to the wails of the dead, but could not bear the screams of the dying.
It's intriguing...but something's not right. I think, maybe, it's too backstory-ish and/or summary-ish. It makes me expect that the rest of the paragraph, and maybe the next one or two, will be backstory, and...and...ugh. Don't really want to do that.
So if your first few paragraphs AREN'T backstory, then I'd cut this sentence. At least take the here-and-now part of it and cut the rest. Maybe...what's her reaction to the screams that she's hearing right now?
I can't say I'm hooked, but I keep reading. This would work better for me if you gave some setting first. But it's interesting enough to keep me moving on.
I'd definitely want to read on. Presumably as it's YA, the dying won't be TOO gruesome, she says hopefully...? :)
ReplyDeleteOh I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteDefinitley hooked!
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. Great first sentence!
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteGood opening sentence. I don't read YA but I'd pass it to my daughter.
ReplyDeleteI don't read YA either, but I was intrigued.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely read on. Strong words like wails, enduring, unbearable really worked to draw me in. I already feel for Rose. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteHooked!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely interested!
ReplyDeleteGreat opening. Its not my genre, but the sentence is very intriguing and hooked me right away.
ReplyDeleteYep, definitely hooked.
ReplyDeleteNice -- hooked me!
ReplyDeleteFabulous!
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. YA that's more than vamps and weres. Good job.
ReplyDeletePerfect setup!
ReplyDeleteVery original!
ReplyDeleteI like it--I'd read on. :)
ReplyDeleteGood start! Would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI like it!
ReplyDeleteHooked. Must have more.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked by the premise but the sentence could be tightened -- it's quite passive in construction. We don't need the "hearing" as it's implied in the "wails". Ditto with the "enduring".
ReplyDeleteA possible revision:
Rose grew accustomed to the wails of the dead, but could not bear the screams of the dying.
Good luck!
It's intriguing...but something's not right. I think, maybe, it's too backstory-ish and/or summary-ish. It makes me expect that the rest of the paragraph, and maybe the next one or two, will be backstory, and...and...ugh. Don't really want to do that.
ReplyDeleteSo if your first few paragraphs AREN'T backstory, then I'd cut this sentence. At least take the here-and-now part of it and cut the rest. Maybe...what's her reaction to the screams that she's hearing right now?
Hooked! It's unusual and unexpected, and there's a good hint of what the MC's voice is going to be. I'd definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely intrigued -- I would read on. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteI agree. That's a mighty powerful opening line. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteExcellent!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Writeaholic, but I'd tighten it even further:
ReplyDelete"Rose was accustomed to the wails of the dead, the screams of the dying were unbearable."
I'd keep reading.
I can't say I'm hooked, but I keep reading. This would work better for me if you gave some setting first. But it's interesting enough to keep me moving on.
ReplyDeleteFred