TITLE: Stream Pirate
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Every introduction was the same.
“Welcome to Radial Stream, Your Excellencies. I am King Tombolo Fan. May I present my daughter, Alluvial Fan.”
Translation:
“Thank you for taking time out of your precious schedule to come gold-digging in a kingdom you would never ordinarily set foot in. My, your son is fatter than the portrait you sent of him. I’m king here, so put any thoughts of pomposity out of your overly-powdered-wigged head. To make sure you don’t forget that my daughter will one day be in my position, she alone will call me Tom while the rest of you may refer to me only as King Tombolo.”
At least that’s what I heard my father say. Made the day more interesting.
Today’s introduction took place on the dock reserved for the royal family in Daol Port. The hustling and bustling of the busy capital provided a nice hum against the half-mumbled speech of intent from the Duke of Branderbee’s son. He was a very nervous-looking fellow, half a foot shorter than me and at least forty pounds heavier. Apparently he had heard the version of my father’s introduction that I had, because as he spoke his eyes never left his shoes and his cheeks grew redder. The world’s future lay on shoulders like these. How reassuring.
“Sir, I-I-thanks, thank you, thank you for the chance to meet with Your Highnesses. I have been looking up-forward, forward to this meeting with the princess, whom I have heard so much about.”
Ok, love this. Still love it. Will always love it.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
I'd read on. Love the immediate voice and humor of the first paragraphs. They make me want to know what will happen to Alluvial. As a side note, try to avoid cliches like 'hustling and bustling.' That particular phrase pulled me out of the writing.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the voice and the humor. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI would read on, if only to figure out if I was hooked or not. There wasn't much here to sink my teeth into and I feel as though the next 100 words would help me make up my mind.
ReplyDeleteI am curious as to why this nervous prince is being highlighted and why he is important. If he is going to be a main character, then I am hooked.
Curious, curious.
:)
I'm on the fence here. I do like the humor. I just can't seem to get the MC's age down--maybe it's the long sentences with big words (pomposity).
ReplyDeleteI would probably read on to find out more.
Love this! Totally hooked!
ReplyDeleteI really like this!
ReplyDeleteI remember this. I was hooked the first time. Still hooked. Want to read this!
ReplyDeleteI like it. What she hears her father say-- cute. Nice beginning, well done.
ReplyDeleteTranslation: your translation struck me as unique voice, far from the madding crowd. I enjoyed the King's sense of humor...as he toys with his visitors. Good luck.
ReplyDeletewhopops...at the end the dialogue stutter seemed a tad forced, maybe just the up-forward, forward (up)?!
I kinda remember this from a previous contest...
ReplyDeleteSorry, I'm not hooked. I think this is really a matter of it not being my type of thing.
Might need to bring the protagonist out a little more. Put her in the setting. ;]
I really liked the humor here. You have a clear voice.
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
I'm not sucked right in, but I'd read on to see if it would. The voice and humor are really working, and if it went in a fresh direction, I'd keep reading. But I'd be skeptical that it would be another reluctant princess book, and at the first sign of that, I'd be inclined to close it unless there was something else to keep me hooked.
ReplyDeleteI will also say I would like a sense of her age - she could be anywhere from 14-17 in my mind, so clarifying that in a hurry would help me picture it - ie, is she on the marrying market or is this a sometime in the future thing? But nice start.
Read it before. Still hooked.
ReplyDeleteI remember this from the 1000 words posting, and like the edits you've done. The humor is good and highlights Alluvial's voice very well.
ReplyDeleteI do think that second-to-last paragraph is a bit long, though, and could probably be trimmed down some.
But I would definitely read on!
Thanks for sharing!
Funny. Nice voice. Though the premise is a bit familiar, your MC (and her take on the goings-on) is interesting. If this was a genre I read, I'd read on to know where the pirates come in, what kind of world this is, and what else Alluvial has to say about it.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
Funny and good voice. I'd read on :)
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice in this and the humor, but tripped up on the name "Alluvial Fan" as I recognized that a a geological feature. I'm trying to decide if this is intentional and a reference to the fact that the prince is only interested in the territory/geography or whether it was just a coincidence. If intentional, will your YA reader get the joke? Other than that, I really like the excerpt and would read on even if only to figure out which it was.
ReplyDeleteSitting on the fence but like your writing overall.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the "I" character to take on a narrator role and explain things directly to reader. Got a bit stuck on MC name - Alluvial - kept thinking why name a kid after top soil deposits after floods?
"Radial Stream" world seemed to match her name and I wondered what year (powdered wigs)/galaxy we were in.
Overall, I think it has potential with a few small tweaks to situate the reader at the start.
Love it! I love the voice of this piece. Witty. Funny. All that...and a bag of chocolate covered cashews. Still a fan. Always a fan. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteLove it. Very funny.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing. I like the voice and the snide tone in the translation. I would note that the translation included is specific to that days, and so the sixth paragraph's "today" could get moved up to the third.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm definitely hooked.
I've read this before, and I think the writing is smoother here than what I remember. Good voice. Like the humor. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteThere were still a couple of spots that I stumbled over though.
Maybe cut 'overly' from 'overly-powdered-wigged head'.
And I'd cut the next line too since it slows the pace to have the 'translation' go on for so long. You can probably drop in the info on what the king should be called later.
**He was a very nervous-looking fellow, half a foot shorter than me and at least forty pounds heavier.**--You've already mentioned he's fat and the nervousness is obvious in the surrounding sentences. Work in his height somewhere else, and you can cut this sentence, too.
I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the name Alluvial Fan. It's called the Stream Pirates, so I'm guessing the name is intentional. I don't think it matters if the readers get the joke or not. Maybe when they're a bit older, sitting in geography class, they'll remember this story and say, 'Oh, so that's why she was called that.'
The only nit I have is that, at the start, I thought it was being told from the King's POV. Maybe clarify a little earlier that it's Alluvial thinking the translation?
I really liked the humour and the voice here.
ReplyDeleteThe names were excellent.
The very beginning line didn't quite work for me. It might be a POV thing.
I would definitely read on
I'm hooked. This made me chuckle and I want to read more. Great descriptions. I was a tiny bit put off by the overly-powdered-wigged head, but that was minor (it didn't flow and I'd prefer the characters not to be wearing wigs - it seems a bit outdated, but that's just me). Good luck - great start!
ReplyDeleteThis is fabulous and magnificent. I am dying to read more. Who is this author so I can pester them to beta read???
ReplyDeleteInteresting, I love the voice. I feel like I already have a pretty good sense of the characters just from this first little bit of the story, which to me is really important. Alluvial's translation made me laugh, and I can imagine the whole scene in my mind, including what the characters' facial expressions must look like! Well done, I would love to read more! Hooked!
ReplyDelete