Well, I'd have to read some more. Funny, I can't say I really like this opening, but somehow it works cause it makes me want to read the next sentence.
It's fantasy, so I'm imagining a training session of some type. Might change that second 'concentrate' to 'focus' or something just to avoid the repetition...
Good title. Is this dialogue (internal or external?) If so, where are the quotation marks? If internal, at lease italics would give it a sense of that. Might also drop the first 'concentrate' all together and just start with 'feel the magic' though that might be a little cliche...
I like this genre, like the title, would keep reading for a while to see where it goes
This is another one where there's nothing wrong or right with the first "sentence." It simply isn't enough to get either turned off or interested...which means I'd gladly read more to see what's going on.
This didn't work for me as an opening line. I can feel the author writing, rather than the character. You could get around this by including a dialogue tag and action to break up the three fragments and introduce a character. This is just an example of how it could be done using any old name:
"Concentrate," Pat whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. "Feel the magic."
Ditto on what Janeal C. Falor said about the line not really having a spark to hook us in. The repetition of "concentrate" didn't really do much for me either. Sorry, but not hooked.
Hmpf, it smaks of "feel the force, Luke" but being fantasy, I guess I'd give it leeway. Still, I'm not gonna say it hooks me. But I'd read on to see what came next.
Well, I'd have to read some more. Funny, I can't say I really like this opening, but somehow it works cause it makes me want to read the next sentence.
ReplyDeleteNope. Doesn't do it for me. It doesn't feel lively. Instead, I feel like yawning as all the concentrating is going on- sorry!
ReplyDeleteGlad you didn't stick with the first sentence: Concentrate. LOL.
ReplyDeleteNot sure on this one. Would read till the end of the paragraph to decide.
It's fantasy, so I'm imagining a training session of some type. Might change that second 'concentrate' to 'focus' or something just to avoid the repetition...
ReplyDeleteGood title. Is this dialogue (internal or external?) If so, where are the quotation marks? If internal, at lease italics would give it a sense of that. Might also drop the first 'concentrate' all together and just start with 'feel the magic' though that might be a little cliche...
I like this genre, like the title, would keep reading for a while to see where it goes
This is another one where there's nothing wrong or right with the first "sentence." It simply isn't enough to get either turned off or interested...which means I'd gladly read more to see what's going on.
ReplyDeleteThat makes it a success, I guess!
I think this would work better in quotes set apart from the rest.
ReplyDeleteI like it. I'd read it.
I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on because I love this genre and this intriges me.
ReplyDeleteDoes it need quotes? I don't normally like books that start with dialogue, but in this instance it might add clarity.
Hey all, thanks so much for your comments. They do help, even with something as small as this.
ReplyDeleteBTW - for those wondering - It is internal, MC is thinking this.
Mm. Not sure--as is, it doesn't hook me, but I'd give it a few more sentences to get the set up and what's going on.
ReplyDelete~Merc
Okay, so ' feel the magic' seemed a touch cliche to me, but I live for this genre, and it seems good, so I'd definitely keep going.
ReplyDeleteThis didn't work for me as an opening line. I can feel the author writing, rather than the character. You could get around this by including a dialogue tag and action to break up the three fragments and introduce a character. This is just an example of how it could be done using any old name:
ReplyDelete"Concentrate," Pat whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. "Feel the magic."
Good luck!
Ditto on what Janeal C. Falor said about the line not really having a spark to hook us in. The repetition of "concentrate" didn't really do much for me either. Sorry, but not hooked.
ReplyDeleteSecond Writeaholic's comment on it feeling more like the author is writing and less like the character is feeling.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't "hear" the voice coming through, it didn't feel like there was any life or emotion behind the words.
Sorry, wouldn't read on.
Hmpf, it smaks of "feel the force, Luke" but being fantasy, I guess I'd give it leeway. Still, I'm not gonna say it hooks me. But I'd read on to see what came next.
ReplyDeleteFred