TITLE: A Big Fat Truth
GENRE: Women’s Fiction
I was ten before I stopped thinking my papi could set right the trouble in our lives only just hadn’t gotten around to doing it yet, before I stopped thinking our way of living was anything close to normal.
Before that time I would spend every evening sitting at his side while my mammi and my sisters watched their telenovela, while my brother went out looking for girls easy with their kisses. For that short bit after dinner, I would be his only child. We would sit on our porch after the sun had lost its strength and had to slip away and hide until the moon itself was too tired to hold up the sky. Our legs would hang over the edge where he still hadn’t put any steps so there was only one big jump into the dirt of our garden. We would sit close, without even a finger of air between us, as if we were one person even though with all my heart I knew he was the whole of the world while I was only his youngest child and that my usefulness was something too close to nothing. He had already told me I was too big for his lap, too big to be lifting for kisses, so I knew I had to make sure and be something special he would not chase away like he had all the others.
I'm definitely intrigued. My issue is that this seems like backstory - but I'd need more of course to find out. I think we're first introduced to the best info. in the line "For that short bit after dinner, I would be his only child." That is so telling! I think your first sentence is rather cumbersome, I had to read it twice. If this remains the beginning of your ms., I'd simplify the first sentence, and maybe reword it -- it is a bit awkward. For example "could set right the trouble" could probably be "fix." Says the same thing, much more direct.
ReplyDeleteI'm very curious what the Big Fat Truth is, I must say!
I'm intrigued and would read on to get a better sense of the story. Some of your descriptions are great, but it gets a littly clunky in places. And I thought this was middle-grade before I went back and looked at the genre, so i'd be interested to see how this changes into women's fiction.
ReplyDeleteSounds middle grade. The sentences are a bit long and hard to follow. I love: "We would sit close, without even a finger of air between us..." that's some seriously great description. I'm intrigued to find out why the others had been chased away.
ReplyDeleteThe relationships seem interesting and I want to know more, but some of the sentences are a bit clunky and hard to follow.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely ADORE the voice. I have to say though that the sentences are a bit long and clunky.
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming since this is women's fiction she's reflecting back on her childhood. I would definitely continue reading after a good run through with a red pencil. The last two sentences are the biggest offenders.
Good luck - AK
I was pulled right in. The long sentences didn't trouble me--this sounds like how some people talk. I already begin to have a vivid sense of the people, and can't help caring about them. The next-to-last sentence was the only one that struck me as perhaps overblown.
ReplyDeleteWell, I have no complaints at all. This reads like the kind of story I love, no mad dash into immediate action, just a slow trip into another place and time. That may not be a good thing for you, but I was sucked right in and hated to leave.
ReplyDeleteI agree a few of your sentences could be broken up, but if that's your writing style, it doesn't bother me as a reader.
I am so totally hooked on this one.
Though I wasn't hooked, I'd probably read on at least five more pages.
ReplyDeleteI thought the sun and moon sentence were overdone. I like long sentences too as long as there's an appropriate mix of shorter ones.
Hi, semi-hooked!
ReplyDeleteI have the habit of listening to the words before I read them...so please forgive my anal remarks. I think some commas would help. For instance...lives only...can be lives, only. Before each while some commas are some aren't there.
Other than that I found this young woman's way of thinnking original and honest. the best of luck with it.
The first sentence is long and cumbersome - some simplifying and/ or breaking it up would help I the confusion I, too, encountered.
ReplyDeleteI didn't mind the "telling": "For that short bit after dinner, I would be his only child." I liked the line, and felt all the emotions of being in a big family and suddenly not being a big family for just a few minutes.
You painted a great picture - hooked!
I liked the voice of your character. And I understand her voice is part of why your sentences are long like that. But I think you could do some trimming and shortening without losing her voice. A reader shouldn't have to read a sentence twice to understand, and I had to read several two or three times. Maybe break up that big second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was middle grade too. With some editing, I would read on.
I found the first sentence a bit bumpy. Part of that, I know is the way the mc talks. It is her voice. It is the dialect, nuances, etc. Although a bit bumpy, it takes me to a specific place and allows me to visualise a specific sort of person. Age included. Well done in that regard.
ReplyDeleteAs well, because the main character was talking about her childhood, the mc has slipped into the narrative voice and perspective of that age. I think that was really well done. We saw a lot of her life and what she values in that short bit.
While there wasn't a 'huge hook', I was hooked enough that I would keep reading to see what the author brings forth in the next pages.
:)
P.S. Really, really liked the title. It makes me want to know what the big fat truth is going to be. Plus, it has attitude. Go girl! Woo!
ReplyDeleteI think you've got a great voice going, and you've captured the feel for the character quite well. I am interested in what happens. However, some sentences (esp. the 1st) are rather long and clunky, and I have to read a lot to figure them out. I think you could edit some of them and still keep the feel that you've got going on.
ReplyDeleteCan't say I'm hooked. The opening paragraph is great, but the second (which is way too long, IMHO) is all backstory. In my experience, if you need to start off with backstory to make the present make sense, then I think that's your story's way of telling you it needs to start in a different place than where it currently does.
ReplyDeleteNice writing, nice voice. But I had to read the first sentence through three times and then dissect it to figure out what you were saying. I know it's partly the way this character speaks, but you have to make sure you're not sacrificing clarity. I thought much of the language in the long paragraph was beautiful. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI just love some of the phrasing in here! I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI like your voice and some of your phrasing is really nice. I like **looking for girls easy with their kisses**, **without even a finger of air between us**, **too big to be lifting for kisses**.
ReplyDeleteBut some of your sentences feel like run-ons and I think they would be more effective if you broke them up. The one that starts "We would sit close" in particular.
**had to make sure and be something special**--I would change it to 'had to make sure to be something special'. (And maybe break this sentence into two also.)
I was a little bit confused about whether the narrator. the first line looks like it's going to be an adult talking about her childhood, but then it gets gray in the second graph which is really long and i think should be broken up. But I liked the imagery used to describe her and her father's relationship :) good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the voice of this one. The different cultural setting is promising and I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI think this one is overwritten, and your long, meandering sentences don't work for me. The first paragraph is one example, "We would sit close..." is another.
ReplyDeleteThe characters are intriguing, and the story idea is nice, but I just don't love the writing.
I get the sense you're already in the middle of the story, and I'm missing some details, but I still like it.
ReplyDeleteIs this Womens fiction?
ReplyDeleteI didn't want to read, if this is a sample of major theme.
I'm not sure about language like brother looking for "girls easy with their kisses" seems a strange way for an under 10 to perceive it?
That yearning for her father kinda creeped me out-incest alert. Why is a grown woman still hardking back to her 'need' for physical affection/attention only from dad?
It's like the dad is trying to ween her off her inappropriate longings/behaviour.
If its meant for YA, I'd start with a scene which presents the MC in a different light and maybe weave in this background as she faces whatever struggle she's in.
All the best with it.
I found the first sentence put me off and the rest of it bogged me down..
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for your worthy comments!
ReplyDeleteIn response, here's my new and improved first sentence:
I was ten before I stopped thinking my papi could someday set right the trouble in our lives, before I stopped thinking our way of living was anything close to normal.
PS It's women's fiction. Says so on top.
Nothing happens. I'm bored already. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteThere were some lovely phrases here, but the sentences were just way too long for a comfortable read.
ReplyDeleteI had some trouble with the sentence structure, even though I thought the characters sounded interesting. Also, I thought it sounded more like mg than women's fiction, but that could change with more. Sorry, not hooked. Too wordy.
ReplyDeleteAs a daddy's girl I'm intrigued, but the overzealous writing really hurts the story line in my opinion. If it was more concise I would be more interested. Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDelete