Could be tightened a lot - an active verb would help, as the above commenter mentioned, as would trimming the details of the sounds, especially the last six words.
I'm not sure what the entire last phrase adds to this. I think I need something more to hook me - a sense of emotion - is he leaving? Returning? Is Mattie sad? Angry? Devastated? Give me a hint of what that sound of the pickup truck means.
Is her hubby just getting home or just leaving her? I like that mystery but felt 'under the weight of the vehicle' was completely unneeded and should be replaced by something more tangible.
I like the words "growl," "crunch," and "weight." The husband has in my mind an animalistic association now...like a big mean junk-yard dog. The tension is great and I'm hoping it is present through the rest of the scene.
I'd cut the "lay in bed" too as it lowers the tension.
Ehhh... nothing really here...and this isn't really a properly constructed sentence. The comma should be a dash, maybe, or take it out and put "and" in there.
Sorry, I'd pass. I assume the quotes are unintentional. But the first visual I get is of someone lying in bed, then on the road, so she's probably in a trailer, I assume. So I have to go and revise my visual. It might help if you gave the reader a visual of the trailer, then the bed. Also, it's a bit wordy. "truck, the crunch of gravel under the weight of the vehicle" could easily be "truck and the crunch of gravel under its weight."
I like women's fiction but this doesn't hook me. It needs to be more active, even if Mattie is in bed.
ReplyDeleteMattie listened to the growl of the pick-up truck...
Actually, I have a sense of impending doom from this. So, as long as the following sentances continue the drama I think it can work.
ReplyDeleteCould be tightened a lot - an active verb would help, as the above commenter mentioned, as would trimming the details of the sounds, especially the last six words.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry.
I'm not sure what the entire last phrase adds to this. I think I need something more to hook me - a sense of emotion - is he leaving? Returning? Is Mattie sad? Angry? Devastated? Give me a hint of what that sound of the pickup truck means.
ReplyDeleteSeems like it should occur later on in the story or paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI sense impending doom, too. I would shorten it, though. The growl is too on-the-nose. Plus, too many words can diffuse the impact.
ReplyDeleteI like the word "growl." It paints a foreboding picture.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on
I'm on the fence with this one. I do like the imagery you painted though.
ReplyDeleteIs her hubby just getting home or just leaving her? I like that mystery but felt 'under the weight of the vehicle' was completely unneeded and should be replaced by something more tangible.
ReplyDeleteI like the words "growl," "crunch," and "weight." The husband has in my mind an animalistic association now...like a big mean junk-yard dog. The tension is great and I'm hoping it is present through the rest of the scene.
ReplyDeleteI'd cut the "lay in bed" too as it lowers the tension.
(Word Verification: bedigra!)
Not my thing (I'm also confused about the quotes--this isn't dialogue, is it?) so I can't say it hooked me.
ReplyDeleteumm... okay. I'd keep going, but you haven't got me yet.
ReplyDeleteEhhh... nothing really here...and this isn't really a properly constructed sentence. The comma should be a dash, maybe, or take it out and put "and" in there.
ReplyDeleteI agree the comma is misplaced, but I liked the imagery.
ReplyDeleteI would have read on.
Sorry, doesn't grab me.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I'd pass. I assume the quotes are unintentional. But the first visual I get is of someone lying in bed, then on the road, so she's probably in a trailer, I assume. So I have to go and revise my visual. It might help if you gave the reader a visual of the trailer, then the bed. Also, it's a bit wordy. "truck, the crunch of gravel under the weight of the vehicle" could easily be "truck and the crunch of gravel under its weight."
ReplyDeleteFred