GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
I hate breaking up loving couples, especially first thing in the morning. It’s like waking up without coffee – painful. I study this new couple’s destiny slip, or D-slip as we call them. It’s definitely a Never slip. Mark and Jenna are destined never to be together. Too bad no one told them that before they met.
I always wear my black uniform when I start my day with a Never slip. Black lycra jumpsuit, black knee high boots, black trench coat and black silk gloves. A gesture of mourning for the dead relationship.
After I’m dressed I step into the hall and close the door behind me. My room is on the top floor of the Mansion, in the residential wing, which means I can’t avoid running into the other Cupids. Not that I don’t like them, I do, I just get tired of pretending Never slips don’t bother me.
I look up and see Griffin bounding towards me. I sigh and present him with my best fake smile.
“Hey, Griffin. How’s it going?”
“Great. I’m doing my first separation today.”
Griffin is an Intermediate Cupid, which means he deals with temporary break-ups and make-ups of mortal couples.
“A separation, nice. What’s your plan?” I ask.
Griffin’s face lights up.
“Well, I think the guy might like one of his co-workers more than his girlfriend, so I thought I’d just have him cheat on her.”
I shake my head. Common rookie mistake.
“Griffin, you’re only supposed to separate them temporarily."
I like this and I'd definitely read on. One thing that sort of bugged me was the D-slips and Never slips. What does a D-slip stand for? That took me out of the story a little bit.ReplyDelete
I am definitely interested. And the slips didn't really bother me.ReplyDelete
Very unique premise! I'd read on!ReplyDelete
Very cute premise! This is one I'd keep reading. Very cool!ReplyDelete
I liked this. It's not my genre but I'd still read on. Very well done.ReplyDelete
I would read on. The writing was very clear.ReplyDelete
What a laugh! Great job. Are you by any chance, a New Yorker reader? This just seems to have that flair. I loved it and would definitely read on with this light-hearted story. Thanks.ReplyDelete
I never read other's crits first, so can't wait to look at what others have to say about this.
Definitely hooked me. I love the idea of there being a whole industry of cupids that we are unaware of. Nice job!ReplyDelete
I'm intrigued. I'd definitely read on.ReplyDelete
Hooked! I want to know more!ReplyDelete
Definitely Hooked. I'd read more.ReplyDelete
A new show started last night on ABC called Cupid. You might find it interesting to see how they are handling an adult take on the premise. You can catch reruns on hulu dot com. Best of luck with this. It's a lot of fun.
This comment has been removed by the author.ReplyDelete
Hooked me. The concept is very original and the writing is solid.ReplyDelete
It's cute, I'd keep reading.ReplyDelete
I love that they are cupids! Hooked.ReplyDelete
Very cute-gives me that feel from the movie City of Angels. Interesting concept and would love to read more.ReplyDelete
I really liked the angle. And I love the first two lines.ReplyDelete
I did have problems with the tense and POV. For some reason "I study this new couple's..." jumped out at me. It was the 'I study' part. I don't know why it bugged me as I don't mind first person. I also don't mind present tense.
I'd keep reading.
Love this. I'm hooked!ReplyDelete
Not entirely sure if I'm hooked, but that is completely because of personal issues about a bunch of Cupids running around.ReplyDelete
Personal stuff aside, this is a great start. Love the opening paragraph<:
Yup--hooked! Interesting and unique, and a great character voice and set up. Even a bit of tension regarding this couple Heart's about to break up.ReplyDelete
I'd absolutely read on!
Thanks for sharing!
Ha! This is a cute idea. I'd keep reading.ReplyDelete
This is definitely unique. I'd keep reading. I loved the line, "Too bad no one told them that before they met." I've felt that way about querying. Too bad no one told me I'd get a rejection before I sent the query. ;)ReplyDelete
Cute and funny!ReplyDelete
I think this is a great idea. I'd read on, but I'd need for there to be a relationship I felt invested in or for Heart to get something going on for him/herself in order to stay interested in the long run...but that might be more about me since romance isn't my thing. At any rate, good work.ReplyDelete
Loved it. Where can I pick it up? ;)ReplyDelete
Not sure if I'm hooked yet, which with experience I read as not hooked. (If I'm unsure, that usually means a no.) This also doesn't feel all that original to me -- I feel like I've seen a lot of cupid stories lately.ReplyDelete
Love it, definitely would read on.ReplyDelete
It's the author here and I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your time and suggestions, etc. I really and truly appreciate it and wish everyone the best of luck!ReplyDelete
I love this. I think the paragraph about the black suit and the one following it are a little longer than they need to be and slow down the pace a bit, but definitely hooked by the rest.ReplyDelete
I thought this was great - I want to read the rest!ReplyDelete
I'm hooked! The paragraph with the dress description slowed me down a little too, but it was good to know that the Cupid wasn't a naked cherub.ReplyDelete
I loved the first line and you had me from then on.ReplyDelete
I liked her outfit - very apt I thought and her pangs of remorse at having to do this dirty job.
I also enjoyed the interplay between Heart and Griffin: the expert and the rookie and would definitely read on.
My favourite so far.
I liked this and thought the dialogue read well (which seems to be a difficult thing to do). I think it needs a little editing, it felt a little choppy to me but overall I would read more. Good luck!ReplyDelete
This is cute, but that's about it. I can't see it having enough substance for a whole book. Maybe if the cupids provide a back story and the real story is about a an actual couple I might be a little more intrigued. As it is, though, I'm not hooked.ReplyDelete