Combined with the title, I'd probably check out the cover blurb, but pretty much because I'd wonder what Mary Sue-ism had to do with Yellowstone. It might be better to make me wonder why Julia hated Yellowstone so much.
It's short and sweet, and I wonder why Julia hates Yellowstone. Though, huh, looking at the title, I also wonder what it has to do with self-insertion characters in fanfiction.
That might not be a concern in your target audience, though.
I'd read on. I'm not sure you need the last name, I always find that very formulaic. Someone can say her last name later on. Julia alone, much more personal.
Combined with the title, I'd probably check out the cover blurb, but pretty much because I'd wonder what Mary Sue-ism had to do with Yellowstone. It might be better to make me wonder why Julia hated Yellowstone so much.
ReplyDeleteAmethyst
It's short and sweet, and I wonder why Julia hates Yellowstone. Though, huh, looking at the title, I also wonder what it has to do with self-insertion characters in fanfiction.
ReplyDeleteThat might not be a concern in your target audience, though.
I'd read on. I'm not sure you need the last name, I always find that very formulaic. Someone can say her last name later on. Julia alone, much more personal.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on to see why, for sure. I mean, c'mon, it's Yellowstone!
ReplyDeleteI think this sentence sounds intriguing. I want to read on to find out why Julia loathes Yellowstone.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading, I love Yellowstone.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on, but I would be wary of the prose being too gimicky.
ReplyDeletenot hooked yet, it estranges me from the MC instead of drawing me in.
ReplyDeleteI'm not fond of the structure. I agree with Jenn above -- it distances me from the character.
ReplyDeleteErm, kinda on the fence here. I'm curious why she hates the park, but nothing else really grabs me. (Also, I admit, I don't read that genre much.)
ReplyDeleteSorry, doesn't do anything for me.
ReplyDeleteLose last name and I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteNo thanks. I'm just not feeling it.
ReplyDeleteI think I'd prefer it with a different structure: 'Julia loathed Yellowstone.'
ReplyDeleteNot sure you need her last name or Yellowstone's for that matter....
I agree with Peter. Change the structure to say something like, "There was no place on earth Julia loathed more than Yellowstone."
ReplyDeleteDoesn't exactly hook me, but I'd read on to see why she hates it, since I'd think most people would enjoy it.
ReplyDeleteFred