Yes! Definitely. I love the balance of 'sharp' and 'understated' in this humor. And of course now I wonder why Frank's dead and why/if his being so isn't quite as important as Alana getting to work early. Hee.
I'd definitely read on. I agree with the punctuation comments above and would recommend an em-dash. But I'm not convinced it's humor yet. Is something wrong with me? Good luck with this--it seems very intriguing.
First thought that popped in my head was Jasper Fforde's writing (the Thursday Next books). Not sure if you're aiming for that kind of book, but that's what came across. Which is a very good thing. I definitely would read more. Especially with this labeled as a fantasy.
Yes! Definitely. I love the balance of 'sharp' and 'understated' in this humor. And of course now I wonder why Frank's dead and why/if his being so isn't quite as important as Alana getting to work early. Hee.
ReplyDeleteAmethyst
Loved this! Definitley hooked.
ReplyDeleteYep, this ones a keeper! LOVE IT!
ReplyDeleteAside from the comma splice, this is great.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely keep reading but the comma threw me for a second.
ReplyDeleteLoved it!
ReplyDeleteWonderful!
ReplyDeleteGreat hook!
ReplyDeleteGreat! I'd definitely continue.
ReplyDeleteI like it.
ReplyDeleteI like it alot. I think you have two sentences here at the comma. And you need a comma between early and and.
ReplyDeleteI'd absolutely read more.
ReplyDeleteCompletely agree with macaronipants. Great hook, needs 2 sentences and a comma.
ReplyDeleteI love this, but the comma doesn't work. I'd use an em-dash.
ReplyDeleteThe comma doesn't work--how about this?
ReplyDeleteFabulous hook though.
Liked it!
ReplyDeleteHooked!!
ReplyDeleteVery nice. Very, very nice. :)
ReplyDeleteuse -- and I love it! :)
ReplyDeleteDitto on the love.
ReplyDeleteI like it, and would read on, but for some reason I think a semi-colon instead of a period would connect the two thoughts better. ;)
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely read on. I agree with the punctuation comments above and would recommend an em-dash. But I'm not convinced it's humor yet. Is something wrong with me? Good luck with this--it seems very intriguing.
ReplyDeleteGreat idea, but either use a dash or two sentences. I might even break it into two paragraphs for extra punch.
ReplyDeleteThe comma is awkward, but it's a great first line. Just needs some tweaking.
ReplyDeleteFirst thought that popped in my head was Jasper Fforde's writing (the Thursday Next books). Not sure if you're aiming for that kind of book, but that's what came across. Which is a very good thing. I definitely would read more. Especially with this labeled as a fantasy.
ReplyDeleteI think you're comma should be a semicolon, but otherwise I love it.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great hook but could be revised to avoid the comma splice.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Oooh yes please!
ReplyDeleteThis one zings!
Loved it ( and jealous as sin)
"Frank was at his desk when Alana arrived at work; she was an hour early, he was dead."
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
Out of the 50, this "sentence" hooked me the most.
ReplyDeleteWhat the? LOL I love it!
ReplyDeleteSo is Frank the important character or Alana?
ReplyDeleteNot being a mystery fan, I'd probably not read much further.
Yeah, put a semi-colon there, and I'm reading on. Good job.
ReplyDeleteFred