TITLE: Jacob Underwater
GENRE: YA dystopian
Like most people, I prefer that problems be solved with very little of my own direct participation, so it was with unconcealed annoyance that I responded to mother’s request to fetch Jacob from the bottom of the pool.
This one would get me if it were just a shade less wordy. I really like the dry, 'above-it' tone and I think it works very well for sudden, 'Wha? . . ." the reader feels at the end of the sentence (title notwithstanding).
ReplyDelete--Amethyst
This intrigued me, though it was a little wordy. I would definitley read more.
ReplyDeleteIt's kinda dry, and I agree wordy, but I'd probably read to the end of the paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind the wordiness if it turns out to be part of the character's voice - but it could be tightened a little. Is 'Like most people' necessary, for starters?
ReplyDeleteI'd keep going to see why Jacob's on the bottom of the pool, and why no one is concerned about this.
As with the comments before, I find this a little wordy, but the premise of Jacob being at the bottom of the pool is interesting enough for me to read on just to find out why the MC was the one sent in after him.
ReplyDeleteIt's wordy, imo. Flip it around maybe, starting with Jacob at the bottom of the pool and have that be the first line - plain and simple.
ReplyDeleteMother wanted me to fetch Jacob from the bottom of the pool.
And, another note, it's a generalization that "most people" do not want to directly participate in problem solving, I think you might alienate reader with this. If it's the protag's opinion, leave it for later when we know and like him or her.
This has a lot of author intrusion in it as well as telling vs. showing. I'd rather see the first sentence be a revelation of the protag's unconcealed annoyance at having to fetch Jacob.
ReplyDeleteYou've got me hooked, but the writing needs some work.
Yes, it's a tad wordy. But I'd keep reading because I like the voice and am hooked.
ReplyDeleteI also found it a bit wordy but the voice certainly comes through. And I love the dry wit. Try toning it down a little so the readers don't have to work so hard to find the humor.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it might be a bit too wordy, but it's close. I'd read on. I don't read YA, but I'm a sucker for dystopian fiction.
ReplyDeleteI'd split it into two sentences. I wouldn't read on only because I'm not into dystopian fiction.
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm not hooked. First off, the character makes a very snide comment about "most people," and that doesn't grab me. Plus, this is wordy.
ReplyDeleteSounds interesting. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote motivation - reaction - cause. The order is messed up and I had to reread the sentence.
ReplyDeleteAlso, remove "that" whenever possible.
mother's should be capitalized.
This feels like telling more than showing. Don't tell us "unconcealed annoyance." Show us.
Agree with Amethyst.
ReplyDeleteA little less wordy, the concept though is fascinating. I'm dying to know why he is at the bottom of the pool.
ReplyDeleteI really like the dry attitude, but this is a little too wordy. I had stopped paying attention by the end of the sentence and nearly missed "fetch Jacob from the bottom of the pool," which is an excellent hook and made me want to keep reading!
ReplyDeleteA touchy wordy, maybe, but I like the voice and I LOVED the last bit about getting Jacob from the bottom of the pool. That right there was the hook for me--raises so many questions--so I'd read on. :)
ReplyDelete~Merc
I'm torn. The title is strong, that last image is killer, the voice is there, but...it feels like a writer speaking, not a character. I would keep reading, but with reservations.
ReplyDeleteThis was hilarious. I'd certainly. keep going.
ReplyDeleteLoved the zing at the end
ReplyDeleteLoved the voice and the ennui.
sighhh
such an imposition. LOL
Ditto Beth and Jeanne...strong potential but too wordy and definitely lose 'like most people' especially at the very beginning of a book.
ReplyDeleteI see potential, but it felt long. Imho, you don't need the telling/author-intrusion that starts the sentence. Maybe something like "With unconcealed annoyance, I responded to Mother's request to fetch Jacob from the bottom of the pool."
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Huge thanks to everyone who left a comment, this was so helpful to me.
ReplyDeleteYou guys are so sharp. I learn more in these comments than just about anywhere.
Jacob will return! He just has to go fetch the alligators first.
Agree with several others. The voice is there, the idea is there. The sentence is just a little unwieldy still. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI also wish problems solved themselves, I'd keep reading, I hope Jacob is okay!
ReplyDeleteYeah, a bit too many words for my taste, but definitely interresting. I'd read more, but if it continued to be wordy, I'd probably put it down.
ReplyDelete"fetch Jacob from the bottom of the pool" gave me a laugh. I'd read more to see if it was something I'd enjoy.
ReplyDeleteI like it a lot. Found it clever, not wordy. Sounds like the protagonist spends a lot of time in his head.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I'd pass. Nothing wrong with the premise, and I love people who see others at the bottom of a pool and begrudginly provide assistance, but the prose is just a bit too flighty. "that problems be solved" should just be "solutions", don't use 4 words to convey what 1 does.
ReplyDeleteAlso, why "very little" participation? Why not "no" participation. "very little" conveys the sense that he likes to help, but only a little.
Also, why "direct participation"? What exactly is "indirect participation"?
Why not just go with "without my involvement"?
Sure, authors are entitled to style, but I like authors who get to the point in a sentence quickly and concisely.
Fred