The first sentence sounds too much like the narration of 'Pushing Daisies' which was quirky, fun, and a rollicking good time . . . not something I normally equate with science fiction or the implications of the title.
Nope, something doesn't make sense here. Perhaps it's that people can't remember the exact time (literally, months/days/hours) they became aware of themselves as children. I mean, usually children become aware of themselves and others, and then learn about time.
I'm willing to suspend disbelief and assume the narrator really is aware down to the hour, but "My first moment of awareness" doesn't thrill me. You might get more oomph if you rephrase that part. Turning it around, for instance: "I was three months, nine days and 18 hours old when (whatever happened). I know, because I remember it."
I'm really not sure. It makes me curious, but also distances me from the POV character... I'd be left debating about whether I'm curious enough to read on.
I like it! But it would require more in the follow up, because it's borderline infodump-y just how you set up the sentence. As long as we don't get a detailed life-history of the narrator right away (even if it might be interesting), and this ties into something that is happening in the present when the story begins, I'd read on. :)
I'm not picking up what the significance of this statement is. And could you find a way to phrase it without the "was"? It's too passive right now to make an impact.
I'm not hooked yet, but I'd read on to find out what kind of a genius it is. If it was a robot, then I'd expect it to be "I became self-aware" since the "I" is thrown in there. So, if the next sentence tells me it's a robot, I put it down because I feel it's misleading and the character hasn't been thought through enough. If it's a wunderkind, I'm reading on.
Yes, if only because somehow it reminds me of how much I like geniuses.
ReplyDeleteAmethyst
Maybe.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence sounds too much like the narration of 'Pushing Daisies' which was quirky, fun, and a rollicking good time . . . not something I normally equate with science fiction or the implications of the title.
Only somewhat. It does sound interesting, but it doesn't call to me. I don't have a specific reason why though, sorry!
ReplyDeleteWell, the sentence doesn't grab me, is even confusing to some degree, but combined with the title, I'd read a page or two.
ReplyDeleteDo you need the 'of life' if you already have 'the age of'? Interesting idea. I'd probably read on to find out what sort of being this is.
ReplyDeleteI like it. Reminds me of A Brave New World or something like it.
ReplyDeleteIf I liked SF, I'd probably read on.
ReplyDeleteNope, something doesn't make sense here. Perhaps it's that people can't remember the exact time (literally, months/days/hours) they became aware of themselves as children. I mean, usually children become aware of themselves and others, and then learn about time.
ReplyDeleteI'm willing to suspend disbelief and assume the narrator really is aware down to the hour, but "My first moment of awareness" doesn't thrill me. You might get more oomph if you rephrase that part. Turning it around, for instance: "I was three months, nine days and 18 hours old when (whatever happened). I know, because I remember it."
ReplyDeleteI would read on. The first sentence makes me wonder what is going to happen.
ReplyDeleteI'm really not sure. It makes me curious, but also distances me from the POV character... I'd be left debating about whether I'm curious enough to read on.
ReplyDeleteJamie, I agree with where you're going but would make it more along the lines of
ReplyDeleteI (blanked) for the first time when I was almost three months, nine days, and eighteen hours old.
Of course, I then want the next line to be 'it was all downhill from there...' but that's just me. :)
I'd keep reading, this is my genre...
I like it! But it would require more in the follow up, because it's borderline infodump-y just how you set up the sentence. As long as we don't get a detailed life-history of the narrator right away (even if it might be interesting), and this ties into something that is happening in the present when the story begins, I'd read on. :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
Confusing. Not hooked.
ReplyDeletemaybe. I'd want to see how the rest of the paragraph plays out, but you are on probation. Something about it just doesn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that #19 and #20 are so similar says they're both been done before. Not a hook for me.
ReplyDeleteSo?
ReplyDeleteI'm not picking up what the significance of this statement is. And could you find a way to phrase it without the "was"? It's too passive right now to make an impact.
I'm not hooked yet, but I'd read on to find out what kind of a genius it is. If it was a robot, then I'd expect it to be "I became self-aware" since the "I" is thrown in there. So, if the next sentence tells me it's a robot, I put it down because I feel it's misleading and the character hasn't been thought through enough. If it's a wunderkind, I'm reading on.
ReplyDeleteFred