TITLE: Jack and Jill and the Methuselah Parrot
GENRE:MG Urban Fantasy
Jack Green pushed open the pet store door, not intending to become a thief. It was the parrot’s fault.
The bell above the door jingled and Jack darted his eyes to the checkout counter. Digger stood there, talking to a customer. Bald, in his sixties, Digger looked like a piece of wrinkled leather fitted into an old black suit with a deep red shirt. He wore no tie. When the customer left, Digger rubbed one of his gold engraved rings—he had nine in all, only one pinky missing one—and stared at Jack with glittering eyes. His gaze sent a tingle of panic down Jack’s spine, so Jack lowered his head and hurried toward an aisle.
He’d have to make the visit short, before Digger kicked him out. He never had money. Digger knew that, because Jack wore beat-up sneakers, worn jeans, and a dumpy yellow windbreaker that was too big. And Jack never bought anything.
But today, when school had ended for summer, Jack felt something gnawing at the edge of his thoughts, something that made his lips tremble. Something dark and unwanted lurked beyond a wall in his mind, waiting to invade his thoughts, but he wouldn’t let it. He wasn’t sure what it was, or where it came from, but the effort to keep the darkness out, to keep the wall strong, always brought a cloud of sadness over his heart.
So instead of going home, Jack rode his bike to the Endless PetStore.
I love the first two lines, fantastic. The next couple of paragraphs are also very strong, but thngs slowed down a bit for me when we hit that second to last paragraph. However, I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph was great. What a parrot? How could it be a parrot's fault that he became a thief?
ReplyDeleteAfterwards, it did slow down, but I personally do not have a problem with backstory and descriptions of characters.
And my curiousity to find out about the parrot would keep me reading.
Love the opening, but like the others, it slowed down for me towards the end. I would definitley read on to see what happens, but I'd want it to pick up a bit. And great description of Digger by the way! I could totally picture him!
ReplyDeleteThis is very cute! Jack's sympathetic already. MG isn't my thing, but if it was, I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued...because of the parrot.
ReplyDeleteI am hooked except for the next to last paragraph. I think you get bogged down too much in the description, but then you don't tell us what it's about. It's a little too wordy for me.
ReplyDeleteBut I'd read on.
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ReplyDeleteLove the idea of robbing a pet store. Who DOES that??? I thought the writing was very good, BUT, your next to last paragraph seems very mature for a middle grade reader. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteI love that there is a parrot in the story.
Yes, I'd keep reading.
AK
Agree with the above. It was great. The next to the last para was a bit full, and the last sentence threw me completely. If you'd add - So he had ridden, so that I don't think he goes to another pet store. Hope that made sense.
ReplyDeleteI like your opening. I'm curious about the parrot.
ReplyDeleteI think that second to the last paragraph needs something to indicate that this was a thought he had as he was leaving the school, not right now, since that wasn't clear to me until I read your last sentence.
Same here. The next to last paragraph was overwritten when describing the darkness in his mind. I'm not sure I got the connection between that darkness invading his thoughts and going to a pet store. But I'd read on to see what happened.
ReplyDeleteDeinitely hooked by the unintended thief and the parrot's fault. Great description of Digger but I'm not sure you need to tell us what Jack's wearing. Seems like a lot of description real close together and it slowed it down for me. Not telling this in chronological order may be a little confusing for this age group plus the darkness Jack felt took up a lot of space and seemed more suited for YA. Still, I'm hooked and would read on -- you've filled me up with questions that I'd like answered! Good job.
ReplyDeleteGood opening lines, but then you lose me. I want to know more about Jack, not Digger, and not Digger's superficial impression of Jack. This feels like a cross between too simple for the age range, and too mature.
ReplyDeleteThe first lines are great, and I like the image you've made of Jack, but the voice doesn't stay IMO consistently Jack. Phrases like "his gaze," "He wore no tie," "dumpy," all feel less organic for this kid.
ReplyDeleteAnd the fourth paragraph didn't flow organically from the rest.
Having said all that, I like Jack and I'd probably read more about him if this were tightened up and flowed in more of a consistent voice. So, if you were in my crit group, I'd challenge you to get his voice more clearly in your head and then play with this. :}
Like those before me, I love the opening lines, but then I got bogged down afterward. You accomplish making us curious about Jack and the Parrot and then get away from it. Bring it back!
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteNot crazy about the Jack and Jill in the title for one thing. And I thought that the writing could be nudged around a little bit...
I'm intrigued. I liked the humor about everything being the parrot's fault, and I like that second to last paragraph where Jack is describing the pull to the pet store. I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteI loved your opening paragraph. This has a lot of potential.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Great opening. Maybe you could lose the next paragraph, or shorten it. But overall, I liked this and would read on.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if this is a bit 'high' for middle grade. For example: "Methuselah Parrot". Are kids going to be able to pronounce that? Are they going to be able to tell the librarian what book they are looking for? Spell it?
Some of the vocab and concepts seem a bit high too. "...Jack felt something gnawing at the edge of his thoughts, something that made his lips tremble. Something dark and unwanted lurked beyond a wall in his mind, waiting to invade his thoughts..."
Interesting premise. How does a parrot turn someone into a theif?
:)
The first two lines hooked me, but then I got a bit lost in all the description. I just want to get to the parrot!
ReplyDeleteOverwritten. Hate the title.
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked. It feels overwritten and if Jack is the mc, he seems to be, is there some reason we care about Digger? If there is, okay, but I'm guessing not. Cut out half of this and get to the story, then I might be hooked.
ReplyDeleteI was reading comments on a few and I saw the comment about middle graders perhaps not being able to pronounce "Methuselah Parrot."
ReplyDeleteAll week long my son has been talking about "Messerschmitts" (ww II german fighter plane). He'll be three in June. I think when kids are really interested in something they'll learn how to say it. Not to discredit any opinions but I've noticed with my kid, at least, he'll figure things out that are important (and neglect other, simpler things, of course.)
I thought this one was cute, love the pet store concept. Just thought that second to the last paragraph was getting a bit adult-ish. Good luck with your novel.
The idea behind the first paragraph is great--but the writing is clunky.
ReplyDelete"Jack Green didn't intend to become a thief when he pushed open the door to the pet store.
It was the parrot's fault."
Make sure your descriptions don't describe things that are literally ridiculous. The eyes on this page hit bullseyes (darting), have tazers (tingling), and wear bling (glittering)...it's indication of lazy writing.
I like the first two lines, but the rest is a little random. Maybe if you spent more time talking about Jack it would be more interesting. Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDelete