Love the title, but am confused by the sentence. Since I don't know what the key is for (a door? a safebox? a roller skate?) I have no context for it, and then we're rooting around inside her bra, and I'm wondering what in the world she's unlocking THERE....
I'd read on, but I'd have a question mark over my head until I figured out where that key was.
I'm on the fence with this one. You have a misplaced modifier so it makes the sentence clunky. Try starting with her fishing confetti from her bra before using the key to open whatever she's opening.
I find the first sentence confusing. I can't imagine what turning a key has to do with fishing confetti out of her bra, but since they are linked in the same sentence, they must be linked closely in the story, right? It sounds more like two separate sentences meshed into one. Not sure if I'd read on.
I love the essence, but it can read as she's unlocking her bra to get the confetti out. I'm on the opposite side from most here, while I love the title, It runs on for me.
I agree with Terri...the way you have this now, Viv is turning the key with one hand and fishing confetti out of her bra with the other...talented teen there...
I was wondering if her bra needed a key, too. :P So I agree with swapping it around. LOVE the title and the basic idea of the first sentence, even if it's a bit clunky as is, so I'd read on.
Love the title, but am confused by the sentence. Since I don't know what the key is for (a door? a safebox? a roller skate?) I have no context for it, and then we're rooting around inside her bra, and I'm wondering what in the world she's unlocking THERE....
ReplyDeleteI'd read on, but I'd have a question mark over my head until I figured out where that key was.
Considering Genre and title along with first sentence, I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteGood job!
I really LOVE the title, but not the first sentence, but the title alone would keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteMust have been some night at the bar!!
ReplyDeleteGood title. Okay sentence. Still intrigued.
Great title! It might be better to put where exactly her key goes.
ReplyDeleteI'm on the fence with this one. You have a misplaced modifier so it makes the sentence clunky. Try starting with her fishing confetti from her bra before using the key to open whatever she's opening.
ReplyDeleteI like the first sentence. It tells me it's going to be a humorous read.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Terri about swapping the order. Otherwise, sounds like a fun read.
ReplyDeleteI find the first sentence confusing. I can't imagine what turning a key has to do with fishing confetti out of her bra, but since they are linked in the same sentence, they must be linked closely in the story, right? It sounds more like two separate sentences meshed into one. Not sure if I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThose teenagers! I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI like the sentence but not the title - what does a single mom have to do with teen dating?
ReplyDeleteIt made me giggle. I'd read on, especially combined with the title.
ReplyDeleteGood start, but I would separate the key out of it, or qualify what the key is doing, like is it opening the door? Definitely would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteHer bra has a key? If so, that is hilarious and I'd take a little more time with it. If not, clarify.
ReplyDeleteI love the essence, but it can read as she's unlocking her bra to get the confetti out. I'm on the opposite side from most here, while I love the title, It runs on for me.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence as is is a bit confusing, but the idea is great. I'd read on hoping the rest of the prose was better.
ReplyDeleteLOL. I liked the title and I like the first sentence. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteWhile I like the tone/voice, I'm confused because I'm not sure what these 2 things have in common...
ReplyDeleteI agree with Terri...the way you have this now, Viv is turning the key with one hand and fishing confetti out of her bra with the other...talented teen there...
ReplyDeleteLove the title... would read on
Love the title. The first sentence is interesting, but needs to be rearranged a little to make it clearer.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering if her bra needed a key, too. :P So I agree with swapping it around. LOVE the title and the basic idea of the first sentence, even if it's a bit clunky as is, so I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Merc
Weird enough to pique my interest. I'd keep going.
ReplyDeleteYeah I would swap the order too and use 'then' instead of 'and'
ReplyDeleteBut it caught my attention and made me smile.
Fabulous first sentence!
ReplyDeleteBUT...
The title would stop me in my tracks - I'd never pick it up.
Love the fishing for confetti. I'm reading on.
ReplyDeleteFred