TITLE: How to Save a Prince
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Maybe it was the calluses on my hands, or the worn work boots I wore beneath my silk uniform skirt, but before my first day of classes ended at the Teras Academy for Diplomacy and Political Studies everyone knew I was a charity case.
I'm a sucker for a) diplomacy and b) academies, so when you add in c) charity scholarship girl, I'm totally there. :)
ReplyDeleteI like the sentence but you might want to consider taking out the huge title of the academy. It threw me off and clutters up the pacing you had going.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence is too long, imo. I would suggest cutting it down to Before the first day of classes ended, everyone at the Teras Acadmeny knew I was a charity case.
ReplyDeleteIt's less of a mouthful and won't feel like you're trying too hard. Remember, less is more.
I agree with Terri. The sentence is awfully long IMHO.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on...
ReplyDeleteI'm interested! :-)
ReplyDeleteHOOKED. I love it. Would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteHooked. And love the title.
ReplyDeleteI like it Would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI want to read this. Politics, diplomacy, class collision and an MC who knows how to work...what more could you want?
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not, what tripped me up first was the 'silk uniform skirt'. I doubt the MC would be thinking about her uniform skirt being silk. Also, calling it simply the Academy would make it much easier to read.
ReplyDeleteWith a little tightening, I'd be hooked!
comma misplaced. Remove the one before or. You aren't connecting two complete sentences.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence is too wordy.
Not sure I'd continue
Ditto Terri...
ReplyDeleteHmm. It's a premise I think I'd enjoy, but that sentence seems pretty long and a bit cluttered. And I don't think the very first sentence needs the full name of the academy. First day of classes would be sufficient. I'd suggest tightening it up.
ReplyDeleteIt was a bit long and felt a bit wordy, but I did like the last bit about the charity case so would probably read on a bit. ;)
ReplyDeleteA silk uniform skirt? Really? Wool or cotton is more likely, but alright. And it must be a very long skirt if she's wearing work boots "beneath" it. This is beginning to look a little odd in my mind. That said, I like the "charity case" tag, so I'd read on....
ReplyDeleteIt was pretty good, though some places felt off. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest stumbling block I could see was "the worn work boots I wore beneath my silk uniform skirt." Something seemed weird and a touch unclear there. Something about the idea of beneath a skirt calls to mind, at least for me, an undergarment. Maybe something like, the worn work boots only partially concealed by the silk skirt of my uniform.
Like the premise, like the potential conflicts hinted at, like the voice -- yes, I would definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteI like the overall sentence...except it's too long. You start to get confused as to what the point of it actually is. I think that could be solved by taking out the name of the school and scooting it a few sentences down. (Of course, I haven't read the next few sentences, so what do I know?)
ReplyDeleteI do like the MC's voice in here--it feels very authentic for the setting and genre--ditto that the sentence goes on too long. Maybe replace the name of the institution with "school" just for that first sentence, then work it into another place in the story?
ReplyDeleteI liked the visual, the contrast of worn work boots and silk skirt. Agree with a lot of comments above about length. I hear the voice already and would keep going.
ReplyDeleteI think Red Queen is right - you don't need the full name of the academy, and just using "the Academy" would shorten the sentence just enough to make it perfect.
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes when we do a "first sentence" exercise/contest, we tend to try to get the entire essence of the book into the first line (I know I do...). If it's a strong start, readers will keep going even if they don't completely understand what's going on.
Long story short -- I'm hooked!
Sorry, I'd pass. The premise sounds fine, but it's wordy.
ReplyDelete"the callouses on my hands" could be "my calloused hands"
Cut "I wore"
Commas around "before my first day...Studies"
Cut "of classes" it's assumed since it's an academy
Fred