TITLE: DEATH BY STILETTOS
GENRE: Commercial Fiction
Angelica DeVille loved nothing more than to strut around town in her six inch stilletos, never realizing the very thing she loved best in the world (other than making the lives of those around her absolutely miserable) would literally be the death of her.
Probably not, but that has more to do with the main character sounding like she has no redeeming qualities. From the title we get she's going to take a dirt nap via the shoes, but really I'd want a hint of her getting her comeuppance before that.
ReplyDeleteAmethyst
I'd read more. The death-by-stilletos intrigues me, and since Angelica probably isn't the main character, I'm interested to see how it all plays out...
ReplyDeleteI don't think I'd read more, if only for the fact that I really don't care for the use of parenthesis, and if it starts with one in the first sentence I won't read on to find out how many more are thrown in.
ReplyDeleteSo, Angelica is the victim in a murder ... well, it's not a mystery, so I wonder how the story is going to go. I'm not sure I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI have a few thoughts -- first is this really commericial fiction? Stilettos indicates women's fiction or chick lit -- and that's not a bad thing but you need to know where your book belongs on the shelf.
ReplyDeleteSecond, this seems like a set up. Nothing has happened and the description of Angelica is wordy.
How about:
Angelica's stilletos would be the death of her.
At least that would be a play on words.
I'm not hooked.
I've recently seen the light on parentheses (they're bad), oops, I still haven't kicked the habit. Apparently, they indicate lazy writing.
ReplyDeletePlus, the info in parentheses is telling. Why not show us a snippet of her character as she walks down the street? Also, I find it hard to believe that anyone's greatest joy is walking down the street in stilettos - maybe they enjoy it, but is it really the thing she loved best?
I'm intrigued by the title, but I think you might need to be careful about having her last name be DeVille. The last name, the meanness, and the stilettos call to mind, 101 Dalmations villan, Cruella DeVille. And maybe that's what you're going for, but it feels like you're borrowing a character as opposed to creating a new one.
ReplyDeleteI'd probably keep reading though to see where it goes. Always up for something macabre. :-)
I would keep reading, but it would be a stronger sentence with the suggestions already given.
ReplyDeleteI'd read...I want to know how the stilettos are the death of her! :-)
ReplyDeleteI mostly like it.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked. I agree with vrleavitt (above); it sounds like you're borrowing too heavily from Cruella DeVille.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you are telling me the outcome of the story and then are going to tell me the story, rather than let it unfold. This reads more like back cover copy than the natural beginning of a story.
ReplyDeleteI'd read because I am curious, but I feel like I already know how things are going to turn out.
Also, I'd be more specific than "commercial fiction." That doesn't tell the agent a whole lot.
I would read on.
ReplyDeleteinteresting but I'm not hooked... I don't hate or like her enough to care.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid not--the POV/author's voice pretty much puts me off... and I wonder if her name is a parody. :P
ReplyDeleteI like the title though.
Good luck!
Nope, not interested. Mostly because of the Cruella Deville connotation that distracted me from the rest of the sentence.
ReplyDeleteSorry, doesn't grab me - doesn't feel like anything new and fresh.
ReplyDeleteYou made me laugh -- the idea of death by high heel makes me smile -- so I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteToo wordy (parenthetically speaking)...like the abrupt suggestion from Amy (Sue Nathan) above to strengthen it by shortening it (that's always a good thing (I think) (well, maybe that's just me))) (Am I short a ) in there? I lost count...)
ReplyDeleteGreat title though...
Is this about Miss Snark?
ReplyDeleteI'd hate myself, but I'd read on a bit further. I do love people who love to make others miserable and then die. But it would really have to be well written from there. Kinda like a "Lady Killer" voice is what I'd expect.
Fred