TITLE: Krelis
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Krelis sprinted away from the shoreline with Antigonus’ words echoing in his head.
I have something important to share with you, my young friends. Please meet in the gathering room after sunset.
Salty air burned the young wizard’s lungs as he raced toward the gloomy conservatory.
Maybe, I’ll make it on time.
He could only hope. One never wanted to be late for Master Antigonus’ assemblies. If only to avoid the chastising sure to be delivered by Celeste.
As Krelis ran, weaving between palm trees and jumping over patches of grass, the grey granite conservatory setting on top of the hill drew closer. The dark castle loomed ominous against the purples and reds that were cast as the sea swallowed the sun. The sky darkened behind him.
He forced his weary legs to move faster. Kicking up puffs of sand, he reached the base of the steep hill. Now came the hard part. He pumped his legs harder, climbing the incline, until he reached the portico of the conservatory just as the daylight disappeared.
Great! Not only am I late, but now I’ll have to listen to Celeste’s lecture.
He grabbed the silver knobs of the weathered, wooden doors and burst into his home of the last seven years. The foreboding, granite exterior surrendered to an interior flooded with warm blues and greens. Adorning the walls, beautiful landscapes of different locations around Known World and portraits of great wizards decorated the home.
You have a lot of neat description, but it's almost too much. I think you could edit this quite a lot and have him arrive sooner at his destination. One thing you may want to cut down on are some sentences with multiple adjectives. For instance: "Salty air burned the young wizard’s lungs as he raced toward the gloomy conservatory." Probably the "gloomy" could go. Also, the description of the sunset is nice, but just saying "the sky darkened behind him" might be enough. You could almost cut out the seventh paragraph completely.
ReplyDeleteAlso, is "setting on top of the hill" a typo? Should it be "sitting"?
Hope this helps! Good luck to you!
I was almost hooked, but I have the feeling you might be starting the story just a smidge too soon. The description is beautiful, but it bogs down the action a little bit, and I think, imho, you could start with him grabbing the knobs and opening the door, and still get the point across that he's late. And of course propell us into the story faster.
ReplyDeleteTo get to the action faster, nix some of the running description. Just get him up to the conservatory as fast as you can, so we can see what's awaiting him.
ReplyDeleteYour description is nice; maybe just move it off the first page? Obviously one of your strengths, though!
ReplyDeleteI'm not a big fantasy reader usually because the stories get bogged down in detail and fantasy world and not enough in character development and action. I get that vibe here, but maybe others more well versed in the genre can offer better insight.
ReplyDeleteI agree that some of the description is nice, but there is too much of it. I think you can this cut down a lot without losing anything crucial and get us through those doors faster.
ReplyDeleteI'd also cut/change that last paragraph - someone running late would not pause to think about what his home of the last seven years looks like. Work these details in later when they can fit more naturally into the story.
I agree with the above. While the description is nice, I'd rather have less and get to the action inside the building.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the posters above about cutting down on some of the description. The main thing for me here is that I don't feel hooked because I don't feel that the stakes are high for the MC. He's afraid of being late because he'll have to listen to a lecture. Something tells me that this is no ordinary lecture and that listening to it will be painful and tortuous (and not just boring), but I don't get a sense of this from the first page.
ReplyDeleteSome nice phrases and cadence to this, but I agree it is heavy on description and light on getting us inside the protagonist more than he is worried about being late, but not too worried.
ReplyDeleteThe main impressions I have, though, is that the voice sounds feminine to me, and young. He seems 12 at most to me, maybe younger. But the writing is nice, so revision could get this to the next level.
To put it bluntly, this doesn't work for me. It starts with action, but lacks real stakes, and I know nothing about the MC. In addition, I'm a little overwhelmed by the excessive adjectives -- you never seem to use one word to describe something when you could use two.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above posts. There's a lot of description and a lot of adjectives and I think, in a wizard story, you need to get to the hook of how this isn't like Harry Potter or other wizard books really fast to make the reader stay with you.
ReplyDeleteI won't reiterate what others have said,though I agree with them. One other thing: Antigonus told him to meet in the gathering room after sunset. That's rather vague, and I don't see how "after sunset" means "as soon as the sun sets."
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Like Sheila, I didn't think Krelis was as late as he seems to think he is. If someone told me "after sunset," and I was at the door just as the light disappeared, I would think I was early. I do wonder why he was at the shoreline if he had somewhere else to be, but I'm not quite hooked. Your writing is lovely and your descriptions are vivid.
ReplyDeleteAntigonus, Krells, Celeste <- when worldbuilding, make sure character names have similar sound, or come from the same culture. Unless they come from diverse cultures in the world you've built.
ReplyDeleteNames aside, I like this. Hooked.
Cool. I'm hooked. You manage to convey the urgency really well. I got swept in and felt my heart beating faster like I was running. Good job.
ReplyDeleteWhy would he jump over the grass in the sand? Wouldn't the grass be firmer and easier to run in?
:)
I wanted to be hooked, but the Harry Potter-ish-ness of this kept throwing me. “Seven years” and “dark castle” plus the MC being a wizard feel like this is going to be a fanfic, rather than an original novel. I might read on a bit further to see what the assembly is going to be about, but I’m not really hooked just yet.
ReplyDeleteAlso, could the sandy soil found for miles anywhere near a shoreline really support the weight of an entire castle? Without magic, I kinda doubt it.
I liked the descriptive passages but feel the story/plot needs tweaking. Krelis seemed to be too young for YA market, the avoiding lectures etc. Wondered why it starts with him at the shoreline and would cut the descriptions etc if not necessary to unfolding story -that way you have a para or two left at bottom to better situate reader in the theme of story.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with it.
This was very visual, yet just a bit too much. One thing I wondered about is...how often is the MC POV interjected? To see it nearly every other paragraph was a little distracting. If his thoughts are interrupting that frequently, maybe it could be done in 1st?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I'm not hooked either. I agree with most of the other posters: too much description, not enough story. Let's start a little bit later on.
ReplyDeleteI like where you're opening your story, but wasn't quite hooked.
ReplyDeleteI noticed a few instances of redundacies ("chastising sure to be delivered by Celeste" & "now I’ll have to listen to Celeste’s lecture"), and Krelis' exclamation "Great!" seemed too modern for everything else in the opening. Overall, I felt like this opening was a bit uneven.
It reads like the middle of something, not the beginning. And just the phrase young wizard makes me think Harry Potter. But it kept me reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little interested but the writing doesn't thrill me. Too much, some repetition (we heard twice that Celeste would give a lecture). Cut the first 250 to about 50 and get into the story, then I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments about redundancy. It needs a lot of pruning to pick up the pace. It seemed over written to me
ReplyDeletenit pick. It should be forbidding (threatening), not forboding (as in omen)
I would suggest starting with the paragraph 'he forced his weary legs...' That seems closer to where the story starts.
There were rather too many shades of HP here for me though.
There's some good stuff going on here, but there's some other stuff that tripped me up.
ReplyDelete"Maybe, I'll make it on time." - I'd remove the comma in there, and it's also hard to figure out at first that we're in the protagonist's head, especially on the (ahem) heels of the last bit in italics, which were words from Antigonus.
"If only to avoid the chastising sure to be delivered by Celeste." - I thought this was clunky and excessively formal.
"the purples and reds that were cast" - you can make this more active.
This sounds an awful lot like Harry Potter. Combine that with the typos and excessive description and the story just isn't appealing at all. Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDelete